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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP ASAP - should I break up with him?

44 replies

Purrrplegirl · 12/03/2020 18:45

I would really appreciate any advice anyone could give me. I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years, we have no kids but have been actively TTC for 2 years. We just bought our first home together. For the past 2/2 and a half years our relationship hasn’t been great, he works long hours and plays PlayStation into the early hours and doesn’t help me at all around the house. I also work so to me it isn’t fair I have to do literally everything. He makes promises he can’t keep and lies about money (spends 1k plus on gaming equipment and lies about it). We argue constantly. I have a low sex drive but I try my best to make him happy, but as I say we have been trying to conceive so it’s become a chore to us now, there is no fun anymore. Should I break up with him? I have made him leave the house, asked his parents to chat to him but still nothing has changed. I feel trapped because of the mortgage, and guilty because he will have to find somewhere else to live and I would be keeping our dogs and would share custody so I would still see him. One part of me feels like I should be lucky because anyone else would go out drinking/ cheating but the other part of me says life is too short. I love him but we are not Inlove anymore. What should I do???

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 12/03/2020 18:47

Curious, why are you trapped because of the mortgage and why does he have to find somewhere else?

That aside, he does sound a bit (lot) shit.

allthedamnvampires · 12/03/2020 18:50

End it. Of course.

amber763 · 12/03/2020 18:50

How long have you been unhappy for? You should probably stop ttc until you decide what to do. Have you spoken to him about feeling this way? Flowers

amber763 · 12/03/2020 18:51

Sorry I just notice you said 2 years.

marchez · 12/03/2020 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentJohnson · 12/03/2020 18:52

One part of me feels like I should be lucky because anyone else would go out drinking/ cheating

WTAF! It’s time to call time.

Original poster
Purrrplegirl · 12/03/2020 18:53

I’ve told him (during our arguments many times) I made this house a home, I clean it and maintain it, I sorted all the renovations and that if we broke up I would be keeping it and living in it. I just feel like it’s not a simple breakup because of the mortgage. I feel guilty because he would probably have to private rent and find a deposit etc. I’m so torn, but all I know is I want more from life than this. I also feel like maybe I should just suck it up because no one else would want me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purrrplegirl · 12/03/2020 18:54

We have just been referred to fertility, but I have told him a baby won’t fix this. We have stopped trying. Because we have no kids I feel like this is my easy way out

OP posts:
amber763 · 12/03/2020 18:55

The mortgage isn't a reason to stay and neither is guilt. Its unfair on you both to stay if you aren't in love with him anymore. We aren't here for long, why spend your life being unhappy?

marchez · 12/03/2020 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiktoktik · 12/03/2020 18:55

If he's lazy and no help now he's not going to change just because you have kids - and I suspect it'll get worse. It's not the easy way out, it's a 'thank god kids are involved' situation.

tiktoktik · 12/03/2020 18:56

Kids are NOT involved....

Original poster
Purrrplegirl · 12/03/2020 18:59

@marchez both our names our on it. I just feel guilty he would have to find a deposit for a new place when I know he doesn’t have any savings or that type of money. I handle all our finances. We also have a holiday booked ( and paid) this year. I just feel so trapped, his niece calls me auntie, our families are close. We are engaged and have been for 2 years. But I have been unhappy for a long time.

OP posts:
user14366425683113 · 12/03/2020 19:03

One part of me feels like I should be lucky because anyone else would go out drinking/ cheating

I think you need higher standards. This made me flinch that you're in a shit situation and beating yourself up for not appreciating how "lucky" you are.

If a friend told you her partner was beating her would you tell her off for not appreciating how "lucky" she is that he's not raping her too? I doubt it.

Your self esteem is worn down but you deserve better.

user14366425683113 · 12/03/2020 19:04

Do you feel guilty for throwing your own future away?

Original poster
Purrrplegirl · 12/03/2020 19:06

I know, I am a very anxious person and I feel guilty about most things, for example my dear mum works 2 jobs and I feel guilty she has to do that (she wants to) but I just feel guilty and bad for her. I know I’m settling for less. That’s a good way to put it. Thank you

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 12/03/2020 19:13

Would you buy him out then? Who paid the deposit?

BendyLikeBeckham · 12/03/2020 19:25

you'd probably have to buy him out (and remortgage) because he has an interest in the property if you wanted to keep it.

But yes, end the relationship because you clearly aren't happy. And do it now before you have any kids.

Buyitinbamboo · 12/03/2020 19:39

Absolutely end it. Out of interest why have you been TTC if you were unhappy before you even started trying?

You aren't trapped by the mortgage but (assuming you both contributed to the deposit) you will have to buy him out, you won't be able to just kick him out and leave him with nothing.

Original poster
Purrrplegirl · 12/03/2020 20:31

The more I think about it I would be best selling the house. We took a loan for the deposit. Selling the house would pay all our debt and leave some to spare. I gave him so many chances to change, we just kept trying throughout, he knows I’m not happy and I don’t think he is either, I think we both thought a child would solve things. I know that it won’t and it has been over for a long time. I just need to stop feeling guilty when I have stayed and tried longer than most would. Ps. I wouldn’t be able to buy him out, I couldn’t afford it. The fairest way would be to sell and both find new places

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/03/2020 20:37

I agree - sell the house, divide any assets and run as fast as you can find somewhere to live without him. He's dragging you down.

YouJustDoYou · 12/03/2020 20:40

Dear God, don't have this man's baby. You would be a lone parent, with him sitting around playing games all night, and you doing all the skivvy work let alone raising a baby alone.

OneFootintheRave · 12/03/2020 20:46

Jaysus! Why would you stay? Why do you feel so sorry for him? Take control of your life woman. Sure you will have an uncomfortable few months but then you have the rest of your life in front of you. You have done one house up and you can do it again and better. It sounds like he wants out too and doesn't have the guts to say so.

Sell the house and move on. And do not share custody of the dogs or you will never move on. One each or one of you takes both.

LJenn · 12/03/2020 20:50

Get out now. If he gave a shit he'd make an effort for you. This is a glimpse in to your future and you've been given a chance to change it. Do it for yourself. He sounds like a waister (sorry OP)

MummaofFurGirls · 12/03/2020 20:53

I have been here....
You sat TTC 2/2years your troubles started 2 years ago, you both go into a place of like a robot/chore mode and when it doesn't happen you slowly give up on life in general (not knowing that it is fulling happening).
It is not a nice place, but you guys really need to seek a external councilor. Infertility is a horrible life plan that can destroy lives if not traveled the correct path for yourselves.
If you really want to your relationship to work I do suggest to seek advise and plans from the professionals.

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