HELP ASAP - should I break up with him?

[Purrrplegirl]

I would really appreciate any advice anyone could give me. I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years, we have no kids but have been actively TTC for 2 years. We just bought our first home together. For the past 2/2 and a half years our relationship hasn’t been great, he works long hours and plays PlayStation into the early hours and doesn’t help me at all around the house. I also work so to me it isn’t fair I have to do literally everything. He makes promises he can’t keep and lies about money (spends 1k plus on gaming equipment and lies about it). We argue constantly. I have a low sex drive but I try my best to make him happy, but as I say we have been trying to conceive so it’s become a chore to us now, there is no fun anymore. Should I break up with him? I have made him leave the house, asked his parents to chat to him but still nothing has changed. I feel trapped because of the mortgage, and guilty because he will have to find somewhere else to live and I would be keeping our dogs and would share custody so I would still see him. One part of me feels like I should be lucky because anyone else would go out drinking/ cheating but the other part of me says life is too short. I love him but we are not Inlove anymore. What should I do???

not (sat) say

You have every right to feel unhappy and you can leave.

Have you learnt to ignore your feelings? Do you believe you don't deserve to be happy?

Don't waste more of your life. Be brave, you can leave. Everyone struggles with the thought of separating but it will be the start of you valuing yourself.

Thank you very much for your blunt but eye opening responses - he is a waister, I always compensated for this by saying he works so many hours and doesn’t drink or cheat. But I’m not going to settle for less. Seeing your opinions has really helped me. @MummaofFurGirls it has got to the point now that he has pushed me so far away, even if he did get his act together it wouldn’t be enough and I think counselling would be a waste of time. :/ but I will say our struggles to conceive even though a baby wouldn’t have been right, have driven us so far apart.

@Techway I have been feeling so guilty about what would happen to him I have ignored my own feelings and my own heart. I know this is going to be so uncomfortable for a while but it needs to happen. Thank you xo

He won't change, this is who he is. He doesn't WANT to change or he would have done it by now. My ex promised to change each time I ended things and it NEVER lasted because they cannot maintain it. I bet his mum used to do everything for him.
Thank god you didn't conceive a baby because then you would have 2 children to look after.
Just because he doesn't cheat or drink does not mean he's a good partner. You deserve so much more.
You are not trapped by the mortgage. I felt like that. Me and my ex had just bought a new build when I ended things. No equity in the house and little chance of selling. It took a year and a half to sell it but I did it and I've never been happier.

@MummaofFurGirls I don’t think you can Attribute this to infertility. Him lazing around and spending all hours on his PlayStation. We are nearly 3 years into TTC and yes sex has become a bit lacklustre and a chore but outside of sex we are closer than ever. We’ve worked hard to stay positive and maintain our relationship. Sounds like the Op DP hasn’t bothered at all.

Have you actually HAD THE conversation with him? And asked him out straight if he even cares anymore or wants stay together? I know it's awful to be that blunt but you might get your answer.

You're not trapped. If you have a child together, you will be considerably more trapped.

2 things stood out to me. You do your best to make him happy, and you feel guilty about how you would make him feel. Are these sentiments reciprocated? Because you can't float the relationship boat alone.

@Aspoonfullofjam I didn't mean for it to come out like that at all. Some men find something to grasp onto to take there mind of what is going on as some men find it hard to accept that they can't get a woman pregnant.

We were TTC 14 years, 10 IVF rounds, 3 angels babies not it is just me and hubby (16 years married) and our 2 fur babies but we are as strong as we have ever been.

I was not trying to make excuses for this ladies partner just trying to suggest that some men do tend to put there focus on other things i.e. playstation time other that focus on the actual relationship as it is hard, hard to see his partner always hurting.

now it is just me and my darling hubby

For the past 2/2 and a half years our relationship hasn’t been great, he works long hours and plays PlayStation into the early hours and doesn’t help me at all around the house. I also work so to me it isn’t fair I have to do literally everything.

Then you say

but have been actively TTC for 2 years.

Why? Just why? Can you not see the utter madness of these two statements? Why would you think that bringing a child into this shitty situation would be a good idea? 🙄

@anotherdisaster glad to hear you got away and are much happier now! @LJenn yes I have, he says he loves me and doesn’t want it to end and he will change- I’ve heard it all before, but he accepts we both aren’t happy. @MummaofFurGirls I can see your logic, but he has been a gamer from I met him, but he got comfortable and now it’s overload. @AlexaAmbidextra ok so I didn’t want to overload the post with info, I did say we have been unhappy for a long time, but a lot of it was happy too and I tried so hard to make it work, unless you are me you wouldn’t understand. NOW I know nobody in their right mind would bring a child into this, perhaps that’s why it never happened.

Definitely get out now, children will nor improve relationships, sadly i was in your position at some point and it took me a lot of carriage to break up (child was also involved), plus i had to buy HIM out - but it was the best decision i ever made. And about "none will want you" - total nonsense. There are plenty of men out there, and there are also dating sites - just saying....

The marriage clearly isn't working for you and I think ending it is the only option. However if both names are on the mortgage and he contributes half the bills, it will be a 50/50 split of the property.

@Purrrplegirl, if you are someone who puts other first and struggles to care for themselves then you will always be a target for these types of people.

They are also weak and selfish so you will never be able to rely on them in YOUR time of need.

Before you get into another relationship look into co dependency and if you are an empath.

Children add a whole other dimension to any relationship and even the strongest of relationships struggle in the beginning, babies and toddlers in particular are exhausting and relentless. The last thing you need in this relationship is a child, sorry to be harsh but you’re already unhappy and a child would only worsen things. You clearly resent him and that’s totally understandable.

I would leave personally, you shouldn’t waste even more years of your life miserable.

Someone not cheating isn't something that should be on a list of positive attributes, it should be a given - not extra points! That's like saying you should stay because you know he'd never hit you... it should be expected not a bonus!

It will never be easier to leave than now. There are already some tricky bits like the house sale but you would have to do that whenever you split up, so surely it's better to do that now than in future?

Don't waste your life being unhappy.

Please, please look up sunk cost fallacy and then come back and tell us if it rings true. I think it's very applicable here.

@Techway I just read up on co dependency and being an empath - I’m actually shocked at how much I can relate to it all. @Isthistrueor I know kids won’t solve anything, I do have a lot of resent for him because of the lies and laziness. @ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself I know that was just my way of rationalising the situation, thinking I should count myself lucky, but I know it is a shit situation and I’m settling for less. I looked it up, yeah it really does ring true. He’s saying we can go on a break live apart and he will change, and that I might not be in love with him but he’s very much in love with me. I’m so conflicted, I want to be in love with him but he has pushed me so far away.

@Purrrplegirl, if you can learn about yourself from this relationship it will have been a good investment.

Often early in relationships you will have been set a "test", perhaps an act that required you to be unselfish or putting his needs ahead of yours. Maybe he even commented how kind or unselfish you were. You may have assumed that any unselfish behaviour on your behalf would be reciprocated but he will have seen it as a red light to pile more onto your plate.

Usually when you wake up to the imbalance you are exhausted and if you vent your frustration you're accused of being dramatic or crazy.

If you learn to say No early on it help weed out those who might take advantage of your kind nature.