Abusive marriages - how common?

[Moneymachine]

I left a marriage like this. Lundy Bancroft book was a god send in that process. I sometimes wonder how many people around me - on school runs, friends etc - need help but no one can see that they do.. I held it so close to my chest at the time. Still do to some extent. Life just seems full of those perfect marriages and supporting husbands - at least when I look around!

I remember frightening statistics from domestic violence reports. I am just amazed it is so well covered by victims/perpetrators and society in general!

I think there may be a lot people who are experiencing emotional abuse, but not even aware of it. Sometimes it can be quite subtle and because it brings down your self-esteem, you may even doubt that's happening as you question your own thoughts. I think there needs to be more education on recognizing the signs. Personally, I experienced emotional abuse from a parent during my childhood, so when this occurred in a relationship, I just thought this was "normal". It wasn't until I went to see a counselor about the confidence issues I was experiencing as a part of it, that I realised I was even being abused.

OP, well done for escaping your marriage. Wishing you happiness outside of it!

Important to also remember that men can be abused emotionally and physically by female partners too.

I was in a similar place to you @TenToTheDozen- I assumed some behaviours were “normal” and just character faults.
I just wish I could help others around me more with the knowledge I have now

@Moneymachine Totally agree that you can feel helpless to prevent other people experiencing the same thing! My ex has a new partner who I have a weak link to via a friend of a friend and they've told me that they've seen my ex putting them down in public too. So the abuse continues and nothing has been learnt by the abuser. Once an abuser, always an abuser? Wish I could tell their new partner to leave, but like you say, we are helpless.

Out of 5 friends who are married (and these are friends who I see regularly)...3 are in extremely abusive relationships....ones who's husband attempted suicide at the weekend to gain control back when she finally had the guts to tell him the marriage was over. She is now back to the love bombing bit of the abuse cycle as he is now under medication. The other marriage he physically went for my friend with a knife 2 weeks ago, not the first time, he is now at the apologetic stage and love bombing, the third lady I know has had to call the police for a non molestation order 2 months ago and the final one is the wife is abusing the husband emotionally. From the outside and on social media ALL these couples post happy, lovely photos of themselves together, declarations of love and support. Its shocking what is going on behind close doors. I do have many wonderful marriages that friends have that I see too, so its good to get balance. What I have concluded though is the ones in abusive marriages post the most happy clappy pictures on social media. Interesting stuff. I am also doing all I can to support my friends in these marriages even though they return constantly to the abuser.

I suspect that will need to come with education of new generations.. so sad for so many women out there. I was in relationship for 15years and it was so hard to see for what it was, when you have a mixture of good and bad times

Sorry, forgot the 5th one which is the silent gas lighting going on in the marriage by a horrible abusive husband and she is believing all he says....this one is horrible to watch as the physically abusive ones.

@litterbird Such an interesting observation about social media. I've noticed exactly the same thing!

I always wondered that about social media. I think a lot of women and men hold on to this hope of happy times and for them posting those moments make them believe it is possible, and not as bad maybe?

@Moneymachine Yes, maybe that's why. I also think the abuser can use it as a form of lovebombing to try and make up for their shitty behaviour.

Very common unfortunately. Talk to any police officer/council/domestic violence charity and its something they have to deal with alarmingly regularly. Its astonishing the numbers of predominantly women who are injured/ killed each week due to abusive partners, if the death stats were similar for something like a reaction to a standard vaccine or medicine watch the government jump into action! The effect on children of these relationships is unbelievably damaging too.

The social media aspect is very accurate, it portrays quite often a fake life anyway but many men/ women are suffering abuse but their online presence looks idyllic.
My ex was an abuser, and although I have no desire to view their presence online and dont, I do unfortunately occasionally hear from acquaintances trying to be well meaning of some ridiculously embarrassing unfortunately remarks from my ex, and life with his new partner allegedly portrayed visually as extremely privileged, interesting that the focus is materialistic not emotional. Sadly I suspect behind the facade she is probably enduring the same as I did.
We have a neighbour who is openly offensive and abusive in various ways, often in front of their very young children, which is being dealt with appropriately, but again if you believed their social media profile you would think he was father of the year. Quite frightening how things can be manipulated, hence the difficulty of abused partners in getting help as abusers so often are adept at being quite charming and playing the victim. They are often total narcissists, and the normal rules of behaviour do not apply to them as their thought processes and sense of morality are so abnormal.

I am in an emotionally abusive relationship but not married. Its incredibly hard to get out of it, i wish in a way we were married and then I could file for divorce. What Im finding with media reports in general on domestic abuse is that they almost always focus on the physical violence and in my case there is none. Sure he has punched walls, bannisters and thrown water at me, but he hasn't held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me....but I feel as scared and frightened as if he has, but I can't put a finger on why. Its the silence, its the not quite knowing, its the ever changing goal posts, its the hot and cold, its the constant undermining..I was told last week by a solicitor that if I went to court for a non-molestation order i was unlikely to get it as I hadn't ever called the police or had a black eye. The myths perpetuate, and i think this is one of the biggest, the silent control is arguably more sinister and frightening which I think why it takes so long to identify it in your relationship and then find any help....how do you quantify silent threat?

Quite a few.

I know a few marriages that have ended over the past few years because of it.

And a other that definitely should. The atmosphere in the house is toxic and I've recently had to end my friendship with them because I was getting dragged into it on one side - the husband was trying to use his friendship with me to upset his wife and I'm having no part of that!

Important to also remember that men can be abused emotionally and physically by female partners too.

Given that no one suggested they couldn't be, I'm not sure why that needed to be mentioned. No one mentioned the sex of the perpetrator/victim. A d women are allowed to discuss things without always including men.

How many conversations that men have about crappy wives, girlfriends include an acknowledgement that men can be shits too, do you think?

A very close friend married a man she'd been warned away from. People told her that he was abusive and had had some very damaging relationships in the past, plus he was MUCH older than her.

She married him anyway - busy doing the 'he's changed, he'd never treat me like that, it was all his mad exes' etc etc, as he was love bombing her like crazy. So, when the abusive inevitably started, she felt she couldn't tell anyone as she was afraid that everyone would say 'TOLD YOU SO!'

So she endured abuse for a very long time for fear of everyone thinking/telling her how stupid she'd been. She knew, of course, by that time, that she'd been sucked in, but was afraid that nobody would support her in leaving him because they'd all warned her off in the first place.

another day.....please dont assume from your solicitors comments you can't be protected. Write down everything you are enduring and do contact the police, its important that your situation is logged.
There are many charities that can help you, womens aid will be able to give you advice.
Emotional and verbal abuse is horrendous and its unlikely to change. The police have specialist domestic violence units who will be able to help you.

anotherdayanothername I was in a not dissimilar situation. There had been some violence and undeniable abuse but most of it was so subtle he thought it was easily denied. I knew he was doing it though. Well some of it, now that I'm out and have had support from Women's Aid, I can see just how much more was going on that I couldn't see whilst I was in the FOG.

I just wish I could help others around me more with the knowledge I have now
Same. Although my relationship ended the way they so often do so the OW will be on the receiving end now. I'm damned if I want to help her. She was the cause of so much of the abuse - he wanted to be with her so he felt justified in being even more abusive to me. Although that in itself isn't her fault but she chose to chase after a married man - fuck her.

I'm pretty sure though that if it was put to him he was abusive he wouldn't even admit it to himself. As Quasimodo said narcissists are wired differently.

I started a thread a while back about how often I have started notice things that make me wonder whether actually the relationship is not all right. Those red flags that as an outside make you think, "hang on, that doesn't sound right." And those are just the relationships where something does touch your antennae.

I think it's a lot. I think there's more DV than we realise. But I also suspect a LOT more financial and emotional abuse, bullying etc than we have any idea of. Which is really incredibly sad. I can think of at least a few people where I question the health of their relato=inshpis and those are just the ones where I've spotted things.

I'm attending the Freedom Programme and they quote that 3 out of 4 people (lets not 'name' the sexes) are NOT abusers... but that leaves 25% of people who ARE.

I was lovebombed by my ex. His stories of pyscho ex were so believable now the same has happened to me. Once serious I paid for most things while he told me what a great person he was and continued to manipulate. In the end I just had enough and we split. Life is so much happier

Oh I forgot to add, I have a friend who is in an incredibly toxic relationship - all emotional abuse and control but a) they've been together since school (35yrs) so she knows no different; b) admits that she wouldn't know who she was without him; and c) she truly believes he is just looking out for her and cares about her amd that's why he does it.

Everyone else can see the truth...

Not allowed to have male friends or socialise in a group with men if he is not present

Always dropped off and picked up from "girls' nights out" at times specified by him not her (even when other women have offered lifts).

She drives but is only 'allowed' to drive to/from work and her parents' house - otherwise he drives.

She gets accused of flirting with/being interested in men if she talks to them - so she generally doesn't.

So much other stuff too.

I'm attending the Freedom Programme and they quote that 3 out of 4 people (lets not 'name' the sexes) are NOT abusers... but that leaves 25% of people who ARE.

My personal opinion is that not everyone who is an abuser intends to be or realises they are. It's a strategy they have developed to minimise risk to themselves and ease their own insecurities/a anxiety. But it's wrong to control another persons behaviour/movements/life to make yourself feel better. That's each of our own responsibilities.

I wonder how many of those 3/4 people fall into that category?

I'm not an abuser but I certainly behaved in ways that could be interpreted as such when I was younger and before I realised what was motivating me. Not proud to admit it but it is what it is.

@anotherdayanothername20 - you can do it! I agree, it is probably still a bit of a grey area despite coercive control law in place. I kept a diary of emotional/verbal abuse when still in the relationship - but once I said I was leaving, unfortunately physical intimidation followed..
I totally get how frightened you can feel - it messes with your head so much - what they say and how they say it.
I hope you find the strength to leave.. Woman’s aid / local support - get them on board

I’m I’m an abusive relationship (I think) Sometimes think everything is fine. Can’t take to anyone but wonder how many others are in the same boat. If only we talked about it more. I probably have friends in the same position and we could support one another rather than all suffering in silence.

@NeedSomeSupport i was only brave enough to reach out to one friend. She got me through it and I would be forever grateful.

@NeedSomeSupport I've had such a strange reaction from the majority of friends I've told. Its almost as if they don't want to believe it. I imagined that people would check in more, see if I'm ok but most of them have just been silent, even though they seem to understand it was going on. One said she was scared to contact me. Another has got really angry because I was planning to leave and stay at her house for a bit but it doesn't work timing-wise and is too soon for me to sort things out, so she's now stopped talking to me at all! I finally spoke to school and the teacher said I would be very surprised at how many other mums there were in a similar position. I have no idea why it is so taboo. I'm not like that, if I knew a friend in the same position I would be touching base much more, and letting them know I was there for them whenever they needed to talk, whatever their decision was. I'd say the only person who has been genuinely kind and reached out is a man, the husband of someone who I used to be close to (another story), just genuine down-to-earth listening and kindness.