Abusive marriages - how common?

[Moneymachine]

I left a marriage like this. Lundy Bancroft book was a god send in that process. I sometimes wonder how many people around me - on school runs, friends etc - need help but no one can see that they do.. I held it so close to my chest at the time. Still do to some extent. Life just seems full of those perfect marriages and supporting husbands - at least when I look around!

I remember frightening statistics from domestic violence reports. I am just amazed it is so well covered by victims/perpetrators and society in general!

anotherday - sometimes people don't want to listen to you telling about your abuse because it makes them have to face up to the fact that their relationships likely have coercive or abusive elements. They can turn a blind eye or deaf ear to their partner calling them a fat slag or throwing plates, but if you admit that you are leaving your marriage for similar reasons, then, in their heads, maybe it makes them feel that the problems with theirs aren't the 'little blips' they try to pretend they are.

It’s that no one knows what happens behind closed doors thing; my abusive ex was so charismatic and outwardly appeared to treat me so well that no one had a clue what he could be like.

The statistics make me look at other women and think it must be happening to you and sometimes I get little glimmers of it but it’s often the last person you imagine

@user149 exactly, mine is the same, he's from a country where everyone assumes they are friendly and laid back. Outwardly he's everyones friend, buying drinks (often not for me, and then says I said I didnt want one!!), I'm from a country that has a reputation for being a bit firey, so I think they might think its me not him!! He definitely plays on that a lot too. He constantly tells me I'm angry, arguing, shouting and other things when I'm not at all, its really confusing, and really hard to deal with because then you try and protest and your voice tone might change, but not raised, and then he just accuses me even more. Such a mind f

The kids childminder told me she thought i had post natal depression when I told her, she said that's what it looked like from the outside!

A friend recently left an abusive relationship; I think our instincts told us there was something wrong, but we hadn't guessed what. Trying to support her now, but if she'd reached out earlier I would have been glad to help her through it. I think after a long abusive relationship people perhaps feel ashamed to tell people (1) because they believe what their abuser has told them and (2) if they've seen the light, they still carry shame that they allowed it to happen. So PP who is still in a relationship, do reach out.

However, you see on here when someone is having an awful experience, they confide in a friend and the friend downplays it. If that happens, it's usually a sign the friend too is in an abusive relationship and either doesn't realise it, or doesn't want to face it, and engaging with you would make them face it.

I also agree that the more they portray the perfect family on social media, the more they are often compensating either for an unhappy marriage, or its abusive. FB friends who do those glowing posts always make me a little suspicious, especially if there is any kind of power imbalance already, like the high earning guy who married his secretary, now a sahm, and who has been known to refer to her as a "baby making machine", but they are obnoxiously lovey dovey on SM. It makes me shiver.

I think people prefer to “minimise” rather than “flame” the situation, in case it makes things emotionally more volatile or worse. Also some people don’t like to go into that kind of very personal stuff. Ultimately you have to make your own decisions in life, if it comes from yourself it’s more real too, at least that has been my experience. Friends can give wrong advice and muddy the waters. Unless they are very wise indeed, which few are. A good psychotherapist can help if really stuck, again my experience.

anotherday again what you are going through is very similar to what I went through. My ex was life and soul of the party so when it did all go tits up people who thought they knew him were shocked at what I told them he'd done. I wish I hadn't been so loyal to him throughout our relationship and had reached out more.

Mine also did the transference thing - told me I was angry, controlling, gaslighting - all the things he was doing to me. I wonder if you'd be better not to try and protest at what yours is saying, just get your ducks in a row and plan your future. Do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your children.

@GoldenFlaps yes, I know, I having been trying not to less and less. Its so hard when he does it front of children because I worry they're thinking Im angry when I'm not, its so confusing for them. How did you get out? I'm planning but its so complicated and there really isn't as much help as people say there is. It seems to be court or nothing or run but that's only possible if you've got your own money as far as I can work out. Seems a strange way to treat women (mostly) who are being abused.

@anotherday yes that seem to be the case - if you don’t have money it makes it so hard to leave - what is your housing situation, is it a joint property? Think about your strategy to leave/new place or same place and what you need for it to happen

As others have said I think it's more prevalent than one would think and also people don't realise it's happening to them. It took me a good few years to realise what was happening and I felt stupid and ashamed, and thought no one would believe me. But it turned out they did believe me - and quite a few had already guessed.

yes i feel ashamed too, i was shaking when i spoke to the school, and telling friends, and god knows why, I always say first of all "Its not physical but...." so immediately down-playing it.... I had no idea what I was even experiencing until the GP pointed it out, and I'm pretty old. So shame in terms of not calling it, and feeling really stupid. A solicitor even asked me why i hadn't left sooner and I found myself justifying it by going "I'm not an idiot but..." [eyes roll]

I bet there are a lot more than you'd think!

another you are saying so many things that have been the same for me. I felt such a fool for a long time, not having realised quite how abusive he was being.

I got out because he went to live with the OW so it was relatively easy for me. Women's Aid were a great help. My first solicitor suggested them and I didn't think I needed them but it turned out I did. Have you been in touch with them?

@GoldenFlaps im with a local DV support agency, not been great but thats all there is in our area. Seems they're very used to the high octane physical violence situations much more than my situation, trying to push me into a refuge far away, and trying to push me into the court process, not discussing other options or ways forward. Then telling me that emotional abuse is difficult to prove so i might not be successful. Makes me want to jump off a bridge tbh

Please please don't do that. We are here for you. I can understand you must feel incredibly frustrated. My WA support worker said the sneaky, easily deniable (in his eyes) emotional abuse was almost worse than physical violence. Mine did that as well but not as much as the EA.

I wish I could do something to help you