Be hurt again or walk away?

[Susie1234567]

What would you do in this situation?

You love someone who is a good person but weak and flawed. He hurts you emotionally without meaning to. He cares deeply about you.

Would you let him keep accidentally hurting you or would you walk away from the man you love with all of your being?

I think there might be a flaw in your thinking. I am just not sure you can love someone you think is weak and flawed, or rather, if you loved someone you would be able to describe them as weak and flawed. It is really rude. If a man said to me "I love you but you are weak and flawed" I'd tell them to Foxtrot Oscar forever. Wouldn't you?

Anyway, other than that more info is needed, when you say "hurt" what has he done? Called you names? Been late a lot? Physically hurt you? It depends.

my opinion is, we all accidentally hurt the ones we love from time to time. (doesn't make it right) but you need to speak to him. communication is the key. you cant keep letting him hurt you, and you shouldlt take the hurt.. but speak to them first and see what they say.. you deserve to be happy, not living day by day wondering when the next time your going to be hurt.

I think it’s a sign of love to see someones weaknesses and flaws and love them anyway. He’s not perfect but neither am I.

The types of hurt are difficult to describe. He doesn’t physically hurt me. He isn’t rude to me or cruel to me. I think he just doesn’t know how much I love him and he does and says things that make me feel very lonely or jealous.

Yes I need to tell him that some of his actions hurt me but I don’t know how to word it without him thinking I’m criticising him or being a nightmare.

I would be shocked at myself for loving someone with all of my being when that person repeatedly hurts me.

I would stop making excuses for another adult. People might make a mistake once but after that you don't hurt someone unintentionally. At best you don't care if you hurt them.

A good person apart from being weak and flawed?! Yeah, I was going to make toast earlier I had this good slice of bread except for the damp bit and the mould.

Ever heard of codependency?

I would end the relationship and get myself some help. Maybe the Freedom Programme.

I've hurt people I love unintentionally. Never more than once though.
If you love you learn. It's quite simple.

Is this person with someone else, by any chance?

Why would he think you are being a nightmare?

If I draw attention to his shortcomings then he might think I’m just too high maintenance.

I agree with the post above about co dependency.

I think it’s a sign of love to see someones weaknesses and flaws and love them anyway. He’s not perfect but neither am I Yes you can see weaknesses and flaws but to say "you are weak and flawed" is a tad different from that! Can you not see the difference? If someone say to you "you are weak and flawed" you really wouldn't have a problem with that? I think that that is bizarre. The man I love has weaknesses and flaws but he isn't weak and flawed...

Gosh, what a way to think of it. Character flaws.

Reframe it. You have a problem with some things he does. You need to find out if these behaviours will persist. If he can't or won't change these little things then you are not compatible.

Too high maintenance usually just means not compatible.

Why so cryptic? What behaviour upsets you?

If I draw attention to his shortcomings then he might think I’m just too high maintenance What you can do is tell him how you feel. You can say you have been hurt and explain when and how. If he loves you he will say sorry and try to understand your point of view. You don't need to tell him his shortcomings - again put yourself in his shoes - would you like him to tell you your shortcomings, or tell you that you have hurt him when you have?

'He hurts (plural) you emotionally without meaning to' is the biggest bullshit lie we tell ourselves.

He.knows.
He just doesn't give a fuck.

PLEASE stop letting him tell you he cares/believing he does if his actions consistently show otherwise.

Also, I dont know about you but if I 'accedently' hurt someone and told me I had, I would feel mortified, appologise and never repeat the behaviour. Provided it was a fair reason why they felt hurt. Anything short of this is not.normal (eg: making out you are the one with the problem).

You should never have to explain why obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful. Grown adults KNOW. They have empathy. They get it. If he doesnt, or he acts like he doesnt get it then he is a manipulative cunt. Or severly emotionally stunted.

You may be dealing with a narcissist or similar.
Stop excusing shit treatment. Love yourself more.

but I don’t know how to word it without him thinking I’m criticising him or being a nightmare.

This is a reason to leave. He doesn't sound great.

As for things that make you feel lonely or jealous....Google 'narcissistic triangulation'.

Examples might be, comparing you to an ex or banging on about 'the one that got away love of their life's. Or telling you they want to live in america and how they are gonna move there one day. Basically anything that leaves you feeling like second best kr that you are not good enough/as good as something or someone or somewhere else. And yes, they know what they are doing. They want you to feel that way.

He sounds like a feckless idiot and you sound like a rescuer with poor self esteem.

Love is cheap op. Anyone can love anyone. All it takes is proximity and time, that's literally it.

The fact that you love a guy, isn't a sign that you should be in a relationship with him. You're simply attached to him. And that isnt even that special, attachment is common and natural for us social animals.

Heroin addicts love heroin. Doesnt mean they should keep taking it. You are in contact with someone who hurts you... doesn't mean you should stay in contact with that person.

Obviously you should walk away?? The longer you hang around a feckless fucknut like this guy, the less chance you have of meeting someone decent and in possession of basic relationship skills.

The fact that you can’t even talk to him without fear of it being used against you, demonstrates just how unhealthy this is.

Love doesn’t conquer all, especially incompatibility.

Move on already,

The two things don't fit > he cares deeply about [me] and If I draw attention to his shortcomings then he might think I’m just too high maintenance.

If you can't bring up your feelings or tell him when he hurts you, for fear of him shutting you down or dumping you, then he cares more deeply for his ego (or power in the relationship) than he does for you.

Love isn't pain and struggle, it should be fairly simple between you.

The lack of detail means no one can really give you any advice. But as others have said it doesn’t sound like a functional relationship.

To say he doesn’t understand how much you love him is incredibly unusual. It could mean he lacks empathy and understanding of the concept of love and therefore doesn’t love you. Or, you are excepting too much from love. Either way, not healthy.

That he does things and says things that make you jealous. Again one of two things. He is being blatantly unfaithful or you have deep rooted trust issues. Neither healthy.

As others have said, recognising someone’s faults is one thing. We all have them. It’s another to describe them as flawed and weak. That’s a very worrying way to describe someone, very derogatory. And again like others, he should run from anyone viewing him that way.

OP, someone who hurts you again and again, who is a grown up, who is NT, who manages to avoid hurting, say, his bosses, his mother, his mates, is perfectly aware that he is hurting you.

If he does it more than once, he is doing it on purpose. Someone who hurts you on purpose cannot love you. They just can't.

And even if you don't tell them that they are hurting you (and why not? You're in a relationships), they aren't stupid, or blind. They bloody KNOW. AND THEY KEEP DOING IT

I have learned this the hard way. It's an unavoidable truth. They don't love you. You need to love yourself and walk.

I suggest you do go and learn about co-dependency. Because I'd also suggest that it's not possible to love someone (properly love) if they keep hurting you.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who hurt me time and time again . If I hurt someone I love we would communicate like adults do , and I would try my hardest not to do it again. I certainly wouldn’t say or do anything that would make him feel lonely or jealous . I would expect the exact same from him .
What gives away the fact he sounds like a bit of a plank , is the fact you feel like you have to search for the right words so he doesn’t feel overly criticized, or that expressing your opinions makes you high maintenance.
That said I wouldn’t appreciate being called weak and flawed . If someone called me that I think I’d be off . Maybe you guys just aren’t well suited

can you give us one example of something he has done to make you feel like this?

The upshot of all this - whether he intends to upset you or not - is that this IS upsetting you, this relationship ISN'T good for you and it isn't making you happy.

You very probably think you love him when you love the idea of him, and he's not living up to it because he is not the man in your head.

and doesn't want to be.

the best course of action IS to end it, you will heal and recover and you will learn what does make you happy and you will learn that your own happiness is within your power, and those that don't contribute to your happiness are not the ones to hitch your wagon to.

If he was repeatedly physically hurting you 'without meaning to' (how do you know??? Because he says so??? He's a liar), would you stay?

Your first responsibility is to your self. To protect you. To keep you safe.

It doesn't matter if it is intentional or not- if he is hurting you, he is unsafe to be around.

Value yourself enough to get to emotional safety. Even that is a very low bar for a relationship, so the fact you are questioning allowing yourself that is really worrying.

This is extremely odd.

He hurts you repeatedly but it sounds like you have never told him this or addressed it as you are scared that he'll take t personally and/or punish you in some way (by leaving?) if you do? So really, either you have some serious problems with how to manage and build relationships or he is actually very manipulative and has got you terrified to do or so anything to upset the apple cart.

Either way, yo have a problem.

You're also being very vague which again, makes me think one of two things (or possibly a combination of them) is happening: 1. you are over sensitive and the things that you think are hurtful normal people would think are just fine o rb) his behaviour is absolutely reprehensible but you've talked yourself into believing that it's because he loves you and/or he has "flaws".

If you truly love someone you wouldn’t hurt them. If you did by accident you’d learn from it.

He doesn’t love you if he keeps hurting you.