Be hurt again or walk away?

[Susie1234567]

What would you do in this situation?

You love someone who is a good person but weak and flawed. He hurts you emotionally without meaning to. He cares deeply about you.

Would you let him keep accidentally hurting you or would you walk away from the man you love with all of your being?

@Susie1234567

Instead of agonising about whether you should let this guy keep on hurting you (WTF??!), please read a book which will not only answer your questions about this weak and flawed tosser (who does not care deeply about you at all...), but will also help you acquire the self-esteem you are evidently lacking:

WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH, by Dr Robin Norwood.

If you have told him that his behaviour, words or whatever is hurting you, there is no excuse for him to continue doing it because it is no longer by accident. Some people really don't know their own strength.

The chances are he will tell you that you are being over sensitive and need to grow another skin in which case he is a bully and LTB the best course of action.

This relationship sounds bad for you.

Seconding the recommendation for Women Who Love Too Much.

he does and says things that make me feel very lonely or jealous

Do you think he loves you, OP? What does he do or say when you tell him that the things he does upset you? Does he apologise? Try to put it right? Or brush you off and carry on regardless?

Thanks everyone. I had a talk with him today. I told him that a few things he had done had hurt me. I presented it a way that didn’t blame him and I was calm. He took it on board and, although he seemed like he was going to react badly at one point, I think he understood and took it on board. He’s a very proud man and almost apologised. I’m glad that I told him how I feel as I find that kind of thing very difficult. By the end of the conversation we were laughing and joking.

Thanks for all of your thoughts.

Do you think he loves you, OP?
I’m not sure. I hope so. He struggles with the concept of love.

What does he do or say when you tell him that the things he does upset you?
I hate confrontation so rarely raise issues.

Does he apologise?
He has done in the past.

He’s very proud, doesn’t ever like to be wrong. But he has a tenderness too.

He only almost apologised?

Of course he was laughing and joking by the end, he knew he was off the hook. He knew you'd forgiven him, Why do you stick with someone who 'struggles with the concept of love'? That sounds like a giant get out clause for him....

He came close to apologising. He accepted and acknowledged that he shouldn’t have done X. I said is that an apology? He said in a jokingly that I could interpret it how I liked. I said I wanted to interpret it as an apology.

Later in the conversation I also got him to admit that he should have done Y. These are huge leaps forward for a man who struggles with admitting he’s done something wrong.

The love thing is weird. We have only been together for a couple of years. Before we got together he said he’d never been in love but he confessed he had said it many times but didn’t mean it. I said I never wanted him to tell me he loves me because I wouldn’t believe him and he hasn’t.

So I am believing him when he says he hasn’t loved anyone and I think maybe he just doesn’t have the capacity for it. Or maybe he’s scared of it. He had a very dysfunctional relationship with his parents.

But I feel love from him.

I gave him a lot of food for thought. He’s a very reflective person so he’ll be mulling it all over, I’m sure.

Doesnt have the capacity for love? You know you are describing a sociopath right?

'You can interpret it how you like'. What an arrogant bastard.

OP wtf are you playing at? You seem to be accepting these things as normal. They are not 'character flaws', they are big gaping character holes...holes where the real human being should be.

Lol

OP you need professional help. I hope you get it. This man is a total idiot and you desperately need to give that head of yours a wobble! Lordy.

He’s going to utterly destroy you, you know this right?

Get out. Get the fuck out and stay the fuck out

I am believing him when he says he hasn’t loved anyone and I think maybe he just doesn’t have the capacity for it

Surely you don't want to be with someone who doesn't have a capacity for love? Your comment reminds me of a recent thread about emotionally unavailable men. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3842511-Who-s-with-an-emotionally-unavailable-man

I had a bloke who claimed he didn't know if he'd ever been in love. He was a narcissist. Your comments that he can't 100% admit when he's done something hurtful/wrong is also not a good sign.

*Or maybe he’s scared of it. He had a very dysfunctional relationship with his parents^

It seems to me you make a lot of excuses for him being crap.

--
This relationship is painful for you. Yep, just walk away. xxx

Read up on psychopaths.

Isn't it strange how we can write off unappealing behaviour when it's someone we think we love. I'm just coming out of the same situation for the last four years. Ask yourself does he or would he behave in the same way with his friends or family. I'm sure the answer would be no.

You say you love him with all your being.

But he doesn't feel the same about you. By your own admission - he can't. So why do you think so little of yourself that you feel you should pour all your love into someone who can't return it? And who, by the sound of it, doesn't even treat you well in recompense for not being able to love you?

You are martyring yourself to a lost cause.