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Original poster

Big old u turn on the question of marriage...

41 replies

B5670 · 11/03/2020 15:53

Been living together for two years and have had enough conversations around the topic of marriage for me to think that was where we were heading.

Having a conversation this week he
Says I am happy as we are and marriages never last....

Thoughts please...

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 11/03/2020 15:55

It would be the end for me. Do you own a house together or have kids?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/03/2020 16:00

He’s wrong because obviously they do. Married couples with children are also more likely to stay together than unmarried parents.

But if he feels that way at least you know. Is it a deal breaker for you? Would be for me.

Sorry Flowers

Littleshortcake · 11/03/2020 16:01

Deal breaker and very cruel of him. Cut your losses.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/03/2020 16:02

Well it's heading towards 50% of marriages not lasting but that means more than 50% do last!!!
So his statement is completely untrue.
I think this depends on what you want.
Do you want kids?
Will you be expected to be a SAHM?
Marriage will protect you so don't have any kids until you are married.
If you want kids and he doesn't want marriage or kids, then get out now.

Moving goalposts is a horrible thing to do to someone you are supposed to love!

Original poster
B5670 · 11/03/2020 16:05

We both have kids from previous relationships. Not planning any more. We are older folk both with good jobs.
I have just come through a nasty divorce.

It is the change that worries me more than anything else.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/03/2020 16:10

In that case, I'm with him.
I'm divorced and have absolutely no plans on ever marrying again.
Seems pointless to me if you don't want kids or anything.
You can protect your own assets and stay financially independent.
Is there any reason you want to get married again?

Annasgirl · 11/03/2020 16:13

HI OP, I just read an interview with Sheryl Sandberg this morning in the Sunday Times magazine. She said women need to be upfront and discuss marriage with a partner if that is what the woman wants - make it clear, no waiting for him to ask etc.

I think if you want marriage then this is a red line issue. I would not continue a serious relationship with someone who did not share my views on marriage - i.e. I would not move in with him. However, if I was older and had older DC, I would happily keep a casual dating thing for friendship but I would cut all financial ties.

ShellsAndSunrises · 11/03/2020 16:13

*I have just come through a nasty divorce.

It is the change that worries me more than anything else.*

I can see why he’s not keen to jump in, then, especially as it doesn’t seem that it disadvantages either of you not to be married.

Do you just want reassurance that his feelings for you are the same and it’s just marriage that he’s changed his mind about; or do you want to get married again?

PerfidiousAlbion · 11/03/2020 16:19

Have you been venting a little too much about your divorce lately, especially as it was finalised? It seems more than a coincidence that ge should change his mind just as you’re suddenly free to marry again.

When was the last time you discussed getting married and he seemed happy about the prospect? Are you engaged?

Strawberryshortcake28 · 11/03/2020 16:22

Could he be planning a proposal and trying to throw you off so it's a surprise?

Original poster
B5670 · 11/03/2020 16:28

Divorce was in nov last year. Had a couple of lighthearted chats about marriage since then.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 11/03/2020 16:34

Well, they last longer than cohabitations do! It's an excuse. It sounds like he isn't thinking of you as a long term prospect. Sorry.

otterhound · 11/03/2020 16:39

I am with him too. I will not be having any more children and do not want to be legally financially entwined with someone else.

Perfectly happy to by a house with equal equity etc etc but I wont get married again

PerfidiousAlbion · 11/03/2020 16:40

What was said by him in the light-hearted chats?

NeverKnewThat · 11/03/2020 16:48

A couple of lighthearted chats about marriage doesn't sound like it was a decision either way, ergo he isn't going back on anything.

If this is a deal breaker for you then you perhaps should have said so in the early dating days ?

Its a shame he doesn't want to get married when you do.

PondLover · 11/03/2020 16:53

Well, why do you want to get married again with a 'nasty divorce' i your very recent past? And why didn't you make your feelings clear earlier? The 'I thought that was where we were heading' thing makes you sound somewhat passive in it all? If this is very much what you want, make that clear.

HollowTalk · 11/03/2020 16:55

Do you keep your finances separate at the moment?

Reginabambina · 11/03/2020 16:57

If you aren’t having kids does it matter?

Dozer · 11/03/2020 17:00

Do you currently have any shared assets/debts?

What would likely be the financial implications of marriage for each of you?

Perhaps he’s identified some financial drawbacks for him and/or his DC.

Dozer · 11/03/2020 17:01

Or perhaps he lied before about being up for marriage?

Original poster
B5670 · 11/03/2020 17:03

No financial links at all.. we live in my house and he contributes

OP posts:
Troels · 11/03/2020 17:05

So he's got his feet under the table now and doesn't need to marry you to get to live in your house. Charming

Enough4me · 11/03/2020 17:07

I don't plan to marry again until my DC are older and even then probably not. The difference is that I was honest about this with my partner from the start and have not changed over the two years. He is not concerned as just wants to be together.

Ask him in an upfront and curious way, "so when you said you had changed your mind about marriage, what made you change your mind?"

lynsey91 · 11/03/2020 17:07

Of course lots of marriages last and are happy.

I know lots of couples that have married for a long time and happy and all first marriages.

Me and DH 40 years, both siblings married 35 and 38 years. Three cousins all married at least 30 years. Parents married 68 years. Aunts and uncles all married at least 60 years. Quite a few friends all married at least 30 years.

HollowTalk · 11/03/2020 17:10

On the one hand you should consider the implications of marrying him if it's your house. You'd have to protect that somehow. On the other I'm not sure I'd let someone live with me if they didn't want to marry me.