Would you hate your Mother if she was like this with you?

[JuliaandJohn]

Rant alert

I hate my mother. My mother is probably the coldest person in the world. She is totally emotionless and cannot cuddle me - never has. She is also a horrible person. She talks about every member of her family behind their backs.
I have an older sister who is a total nutcase, but she can do no wrong. Shortly after I became pg with ds1 my sister went out and got herself pg by a man she didn't know (didn't like me bign pg and her not). I have two boys, my sister had a daughter. I have always done things right and in the right order. My sister on the other hand has spent her life making my mother's life hell. But still she can do no wrong.
Since having kids, my dislike for my mother has got stronger. She spends very little time with my kids (I practically have to beg and the last time she came was 6 months ago), she talks about me behind my back to relatives criticising my parenting skills, she openly dotes on her granddaughter, she doesn't say a word when my sister 'tells tales' to me about what my mother thinks of me (i.e. my sister has told me that my mother doesn't like me and thinks my dh doesn't do enough to help me with the kids).

The worst thing my mother has ever done to me is when we invited her to spend two weeks with us after the birth of her first grandchild (my son), she invited her brothers and their wives into my home to meet the new baby. I then heard her rubbishing me to her brothers in my own home - my home where I had INVITED her to spend a special time with us. I came down stairs to hear my uncle saying to her "Well Jean, if it really is that bad here, let's take you home now!". All because I asked to her to do the shopping (painful C Section meant it tricky for me to get out) oh and she filled the dishwasher a few times
She hated my breastfeeding my baby and said one evening when I was trying to get the hang of it and he was latched on for hours "You are starving the poor little boy. I can't bear to watch" She stormed out of the room.
She tells my sister that she thinks my toddler is appallingly behaved and that I should smack him. I have seen her smacking him when she thinks I am not looking (she know better).

Why do I hate her so much? How can I change things? You cannot talk to my mother. If I tell her how I'm feeling and how I want things to improve she gets up and leaves the room saying I'm being horrible to her...

Blimey. She sounds awful - huge sympathies. Don;' have much in the way of ideas though I'm afraid. Have you tried asking your sister to help if your Mum won't listen to you? I know you said she is jealous of you, but perhaps if you took the 'You have a much better relationship with Mum - I'd love it if you could help me have the same thing' line she might come on side? Maybe the only option is just to accept that is how she is, and leave well alone. It would be a shame to let it posison the rest of your life.

Julia, I could have written this myself, my mother is a monster. The only difference between your story and mine, is that I have no contact with her anymore. It was a hard thing to do but God, I'm much happier now - I never thought I would do it but I did and I am glad

Whilst I am not advocating this for you or for anyone - it does have the most horrendous backlash and complex issues to deal with - at least you know you are not alone

Masses of hugs to you, I hope you find a way to live with it because with these sort of women, I don't think there is a way to make the situation better, only a way to handle it as it is

J&J - sorry, but I don't think that there will EVER be anything you can do to change your mother. It is HER problem, and unfortunately you are suffering, but it is not something that you have any control over. The only thing you can change is YOUR reaction to the situation. The sooner you accept that, the happier you will be. That sounds harsh, but it is important for you to know this.

Do you think that your dh does enough to help you? If you do, why does it matter what your mum thinks? Why should she hate you b/f'ing your baby? Was it something that she was not able to do? If so, she is probably jealous of your closeness with your child. (Not saying that all non-b/f'ers feel that way BTW). It is not acceptable for her to smack your son, especially if you have made it a rule not to smack him yourselves.

Does she have any redeeming features that you would not want to lose? If not, perhaps you should consider whether you need her in your life.

just wanted to say that I really sympathise. My own mum is lovely but I also have a 'birth mum' who I found out about when I was 18. I spent years trying to get to know her and like her. I have finally given up because I have accepted she is actually a really horrible woman. I felt upset about that for a while but I read an interview with Tom Cruise (of all people) who had a bad relationship with his father and it made perfect sense to me. Maybe it will help you? He said that there are some people in life who enrich your life and bring out the best in you and there are others who bring nothing but chaos. He decided to have nothing to do with his father and I have to say I have been a lot happier cutting this woman out of my life. Easier said than done I know, maybe you should seriously limit the time you spend with her or have it out with her and tell her what you think. Say to her that unless she can come to your house and be 'normal' then she isn't welcome. Hope that helps. Keep your chin up x

Your uncle sounds like he might be worth talking to - is it worth a try?

Thank you for your messages.

Yes my dh does help. He has a very stressful job so I do more around the house/more with the children (and work part time). But that's our business.
She hated me b/f because she never did it. She finds it unbearably embarassingand disgusting.
She seems to take some pleasure in rubbishing me. I get the feeling she revels in seeing me on the back foot.

I have just rung my dh in tears because it's driving me mad. I can't get away from the injustice of it. What have I done to deserve to be treated by my own mother like this?

Message withdrawn

I'm so sorry, how awful. Just a thought, if it's difficult speaking to her face to face, have you tried putting pen to paper telling her how you feel?

I have an acquaintance (wife of dh's best friend) who has had a terrible time with her mother. She spent years trying to make her mother happy, only to have it all thrown back in her face in a spectacularly nasty way, on many an occasion. She sadly came to the conclusion, with the support of her dh (then dp) that she would have to lose her mother from her life. I bumped into her in Tesco the other day, and she is still upset by this situation three years down the line.

We all want our mothers to love us unconditionally. Believe me when I say that I have been there, and had the counselling too. My relationship with my mother is not a mother/daughter one, but is so much better than it used to be. I know that she genuinely cares for me, and have learnt not to expect more than that from her. I was concerned about how she would be with ds, but I am gladdened every time I see her trying to be natural and loving towards him. It does not come naturally, believe me!

I have never had a close relationship with my mother. Like you I remember her showing no affection towards me at all. She is cold and generally looks for something negative to say to me. Even on my wedding day she didn't say I looked lovely nor did she wish me luck! I was very academic (unlike her) and she couldn't understand why I would want to study when I could have been gallivanting about town dressed to the nines. Things improved between us when I had my first child but only because she adored her and was very affectionate with her. She continued to be cold with me and made so many disparaging remarks about BF and the way I wanted to do things with my baby. I was so glad she lived a few hours away. Our relationship hit rock bottom after my second was born - she was supposed to be staying to help out but on my second day out of hospital had a huge argument culminating in her walking out screaming at all of us and my father having to drive to get her (he had to find her first). I ended up back in hospital after that episode and it took months before I could talk to her. Since then I have come to realise that I will never have a good relationship with her - we are just too different. For whatever reason she values nothing I do and I know it will never change. If it weren't for the fact that my children adore her and I get on well with my father, I doubt I would be in contact with her.

Like you she is extremely close to my sister and always compares me unfavourably with her. She really can do no wrong and yet my sister has so little time for them both. My sister has one child and has just decided that she intends to continue with her career and have no more children. This is the right thing to do according to my mother.

Just 2 days ago she told me I had wasted my life having 3 children, that I had let myself go and that I've always been old to her. Isn't that so horrible? I thought I'd come to terms with all of this but I am now sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I just hope I have loving relationships with all my children as I'd hate them to feel as I do.

My mother never talks about her relationship with her mother. Let's face it- my mother doesn't know how to feel, let alone talk. I remember her trying to take advice from dh and I on something. "Tell me again, she said. I need to know how to feel about this situation". That sums it up. She is completely unfeeling.
I don't think she had a good relationship with her mother. I think her mother was a cold woman too.
It has got to the point where speaking, or just thinking about my Mother causes me problems. I am starting to look inwards and believe that I am the one with the problem. I am starting to doubt myself.
Perhaps it is indeed time to move on and away, for my sake and for the sake of my children.
Nothing she has done since my children were born has made me think she wants to (or indeed can) change.

Sorry you're sad yoyo

I think one of the things about having children is that it does force you to think about your relationship with your parents, partly because you don't want to repeat that with your children. The only thing I would say to you is that children repeat family relationships which are familiar to them, even if they don't like them. So if you don't want the vicious circle to continue, try not to let your mother have too much influence over your life and try not to let your children see how negative the relationship is, unless you intend to sever it. Easier said than done, I know, it's easy to make a decision in principle not to let some negative influence have any effect on you, quite another to really feel that she's having no effect on you!

J&J - My mother doesn't know how to feel either. She seems to enjoy very little and goes through her days with a "right, that's done" attitude. She did have an awful and difficult childhood and now cares for her mother but out of a sense of duty rather than love. I wonder if I'll find myself in that position one day. God it doesn't bear thinking about.

I would never be able to tell her how I feel as she wouldn't be able to comprehend it. It would be a waste of time. We only deal with the superficial stuff really and perhaps that's for the best.

I don't know what impression my children have of our relationship and Meanbean's comment unnerves me slightly. I will try to be more aware of what I say and how I say it as, strangely, I do want them to have a relationship. I would intervene immediately if I detected any of the negativity that I receive.

Take great pleasure in the fact you will never be the same with your children, and im sure this will make you far happier than she has ever been.

My sympathy, J&J. I too have a mother who has always judged me and seems remote. I still feel jealous when I see dh with his big warm family. The knock on effect for me is that I find it very hard to make friends and think that people will actually like me. I now accept that she's just like that - the duty rather than enjoyment sounds familiar too, yoyo. I used to worry that it held me back academically - I wasn't allowed to do the degree I wanted where I wanted etc. Sounds really pathetic now. She still introduces me to her friends as "my daughter the violinist" although the violin's been in the loft for at least 15years. I think she prefers my cousin because she's much more sensible.

It must be awful for you to feel criticized - at least I don't get that. My response to her is now very straightforward but not warm. I don't want to fall out with her but accept we'll never get on (given her coldness, ironically I think she thinks we have a perfect mother daughter relationship!!).

J&J - out of interest does she live near you? I have found the travelling distance to be very useful - we have lived here for 2 years and she has never visited us. Sometimes this annoys me in that I think she can't be bothered and yet expects us to with 3 children in tow. At least I get to choose when I see her though. I also call screen.

Message withdrawn

Does occur to me that your mother may be suffering from some condition. What you describe - her being totally unfeeling rings a bell and I can't quite remember - asbergers syndrome? Like a mild form of autism (apologies if I'm wrong about this) but sure that with this you do find it very hard to have empathy for other people. Know this doesn't explain her relationship with your sister, but maybe she has 'learned' some behaviour traits over the years.
Only wondering if it helped you to understand why your mother is like this, might help you to decide whether to carry on forgiving her, or maybe just give in.
Wonder if you can get counselling to help you understand your mother, or if she would need to attend (which frankly sounds unlikely and too painful)
Really hope that you can resolve this, with or without her, as you clearly don't need her making you feel so bad about yourself.

Message withdrawn

JuliaandJohn,

My guess is your Mum had a very hard time as a child but this is no justification for her behaviours.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this talks about such difficult relationships. It may help you to move forward from where you are now.

jamiesam - your message has me thinking!! She is equally cold to my sister.

She is totally unfeeling, has no idea how to 'feel' appropriately, pulls away roughly if I go to give her a cuddle, never shows empathy and is cold, cold, cold. This 'facade' has never, ever cracked. She has never, ever shown me any warmth.

Could she have a condition?????? I never thought of that. She's my mother after all!

juliaandjohn, i think you don't need to have this person in your life, whether she is your mother or not. begging her to come & see you just reinforces her behaviour which i do not think you have the power to change. only she can do that and it sounds like she doesn't want to do that because she leaves the room when you address it in an adult way. how dare she smack your little boy
not all parents are as loving as you sound, this is not your fault and you do not have to keep on struggling to make things better. she's made her bed...etc

I don't know that coldness is part of being an Aspie. Certainly Aspies can reject hugs- but usually for sensory rather than emotional reasons. They may find it hard to see someone else's point of view and can be very direct, even rude at time (but because they're being direct) but I wouldn't really describe any of the Aspies I know as being cold.

How was your mother's early childhood (not that I would know about mine!!!)

I do think your mother sounds pretty poisonous Are some of the problems between your sister and yourself caused by you both trying to get warmth out of her? Could your sister ever be an ally?

no jimjams, my sister could never be an ally. I have tried and in fact came to the conclusion last night (dh away so chance to sit and think about this) that the only way forward is to shut my sister out of my life. Only that way can my relationship with my mother improve.

Yes you are right - I think maybe my sister and I have 'fought' for what little emotional handouts my mother has to offer. My sister has mental problems (she says largely because of the way my mother has been to her all her life) and has been in and out of mental hospital since her early twenties - she is now 38. Suicide attempts. She has been sectioned many times. Now she has a daughter and seems determined to use her daughter to 'take my mother away' from me and my kids. And it has worked. She is spreading the poison so that she can spoil what little relationship I have with my mother. She is telling me that my mother does not like my son as he is badly behaved. She is telling me that my mother thinks my dh does not do enough for me and the kids. She told me on Sunday night that my mother doesn't even like me. Enough is enough.

That is why I have decided to cut my sister out of my life - I need to salvage some sort of relationship with my mother.

I suspect my mother had a bad relationship with her own mother.

Won't your mother resent you even more if you cut your sister out of your life (given that she favours her over you)? You might end up having no relationship with either of them.