Would you hate your Mother if she was like this with you?

[JuliaandJohn]

Rant alert

I hate my mother. My mother is probably the coldest person in the world. She is totally emotionless and cannot cuddle me - never has. She is also a horrible person. She talks about every member of her family behind their backs.
I have an older sister who is a total nutcase, but she can do no wrong. Shortly after I became pg with ds1 my sister went out and got herself pg by a man she didn't know (didn't like me bign pg and her not). I have two boys, my sister had a daughter. I have always done things right and in the right order. My sister on the other hand has spent her life making my mother's life hell. But still she can do no wrong.
Since having kids, my dislike for my mother has got stronger. She spends very little time with my kids (I practically have to beg and the last time she came was 6 months ago), she talks about me behind my back to relatives criticising my parenting skills, she openly dotes on her granddaughter, she doesn't say a word when my sister 'tells tales' to me about what my mother thinks of me (i.e. my sister has told me that my mother doesn't like me and thinks my dh doesn't do enough to help me with the kids).

The worst thing my mother has ever done to me is when we invited her to spend two weeks with us after the birth of her first grandchild (my son), she invited her brothers and their wives into my home to meet the new baby. I then heard her rubbishing me to her brothers in my own home - my home where I had INVITED her to spend a special time with us. I came down stairs to hear my uncle saying to her "Well Jean, if it really is that bad here, let's take you home now!". All because I asked to her to do the shopping (painful C Section meant it tricky for me to get out) oh and she filled the dishwasher a few times
She hated my breastfeeding my baby and said one evening when I was trying to get the hang of it and he was latched on for hours "You are starving the poor little boy. I can't bear to watch" She stormed out of the room.
She tells my sister that she thinks my toddler is appallingly behaved and that I should smack him. I have seen her smacking him when she thinks I am not looking (she know better).

Why do I hate her so much? How can I change things? You cannot talk to my mother. If I tell her how I'm feeling and how I want things to improve she gets up and leaves the room saying I'm being horrible to her...

yoyo - it's a calculated risk I have to take. The way it's heading at the moment I am going to end up with neither of them anyway. This is because I currently hate my mother as she is either telling my sister horrible things about me (which my sister quite happily recounts to me) or my sister is lying and my mother (knowing my sister is lying) turns a blind eye to her lies. My mother doesn't seem to care that my sister is clearly trying to spoil my relationship with her. If we carry on with things the way they are I will end up hating them both and having a relationship with neither of them.
At least with my sister out of the equation I won't KNOW or HEAR her poison and 'lies' and I can focus on building a relationship with my mother.

it does sound as if you would be better off cutting ties with your sister. Can you do it without telling her? ie just not bother anymore and cut yourself off emotionally- it could have less repurcussions with your relationship with your mother.

J&J,

Would ask why you still would wish to have any sort of relationship with your Mother (I know she is your Mum after all but you do not owe her) when it is all too clear from your messages that she has treated you poorly throughout your life. You are in no way whatsoever to blame for what she and your sister are like as people.

I see no mention of your Dad - is he in your life?.

You may one day want to forgive but you do not forget.

Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward may help you make some sense of all this.

Not much time but just quickly wanted to say, you are not alone. I myself came to the conclusion that if my particular relation was a 'friend' I would have stopped associating myself with them. Can choose your friends can't choose your relations it is impossible to cut yourself off from any close relation who brings you such unwarranted misery but if you can distance yourself as much as possible it can help you to feel good about yourself and all you have that is good, more often. Lots of hugs to you as I said you are not alone as you can see from the responses.

Sorry forgot to add my answer would be YES most definately!

808 - my dad died young about 10 years ago. I helped my mother through his death and helped my mother through years of torment from my sister.
My sister would go missing for months at a time. My mother resorted to hiring private detectives to find her. My mother has gone to hell and back on account of my sister. My sister can do no wrong though. Since my sister has had her baby and she has done everything she can to wreck my relationship with my mum and my mum has let her.
I was thrown out of home at 17 because I had a relationship with someone separated and older than me. My mum showed no emotion on the night my father literally threw me out. I can't forgive her for that. She just sat staring at me with a horrible coldness in her eyes. I didn't see my parents for two years back then. My sister on the other hand has done many terrible things in her life to my parents and especially my mum, but still she can do no wrong in my mum's eyes.
I am tired of all this nastiness. It makes me doubt myself. It makes me irritable and short tempered with my children. I cry in front of them and they look confused.
I have made a success of my life - a dh and gorgeous children, a great career on hold. My sister has none of that. She's never worked. She's never had a real boyfriend. Sha had a one night stand to trick a man to get a baby (DNA tests result just come through). And yet my sister can still do no wrong. My sister is insanely jealous of me and my mum let's her get away with hurting me over and over again

Rant over (again)

If you don't mind me adding my 2p worth here goes.

I think the best thing you can do to affect your Mother and Sister's behaviour is by being as you are - that is happy with a loving spouse and children. Your Mother obviously has her issues but you have gone as far as you can trying to understand them.

My Grandmother was like your Mother. Cold as ice. She treated my Mum like dirt when my Dad and Mum got together and it never really got better. She ignored me and doted on my cousins despite their many marraiges/ divorces/ money problems due to careless spending.

My Mum however taught me a valuable lesson. When my Grandmother was dieing my Mum visited her and treated her kindly despite my objections to this. By example my Mum showed that she was the better person because she was still with my Dad and happy. A vindictive old lady died in deep regret for the years of abuse she had doled out.

Don't hate - live!

Thank you teadrinker. I am moving on. I have spent too long worrying about this. dh say I should spend less time worrying about things that really are out of my control.

I will see my mother for my children's sake. She is their only grandparent. As for my sister. Well, life is to short to bother with nasty people like that, even if they are family.

I found that it was like a huge weight lifted from mmy shoulders when i finally cut ties with my mother. We didnt speak for about 5 years. Although i often thought about her i didnt particularly miss her as she made it so hard to have a normal relationship with her.she missed significant events in my life, my wedding, 2 miscarriages, my pregnancy and subsequent birth of my boy, but then things changed after he arrived. My sisters started to comment on how she had changed, her behaviour had calmed considerably when my sisters had thier babies and they said that she would like to know my child.Instead of reporting that she had attacked my younger sister (which she did regularly if she didnt agree with something she had said), they were telling me that she had bought them this and that and had looked after their children with love and attention.My husband felt it important for her to at least meet my boy,so he took him to her. A few weeks later we met up at my sisters house,she was civil so we took it from there.She is different,i am still very very wary of her. She knows that i have no problem cutting her off and if necissary will do it again. We have never spoken of the rift, i see her only once a month or so, which is enough. Her bitterness and nastiness seems to have melted away with the birth of her grandbabies. If she had been more like that with us as children and growing up, im sure her life would have been enriched. It absolutely terrifies me, the thought of my bieng any thing like her in any way. That sounds strange doesnt it as people always assume that your mother is like theirs...normal.It affected me so much, that fear, that i made the decision when younger to never have children. I went to parenting classes put on by our health visitors for 10 weeks. I didnt need them, im nothing like her,im making sure of that. SO..you are not alone, i completely understand and although things are ok at the mo, im waiting for them not to be.....

i cant help but say why do you keep contact with these horrible people? becuase they have title of mother or family? sorry but you have to be good to me and mine to get love and respect from me - family or no family. hence why out of a family consisting of me, my mum, my uncle and my nan ( literally allt he family in the world i had before i was married) i now only speak to my nan.

i have severed ties in the full knowledge i will never speak to my mother again ( and she hasn't many years left in her) but how much hate, spite, guilt do i have to take of people who have the most evil of thoughts - becuae they hold the title of mother or uncle?

those titles get you nothing absolutley NOTHING in my book. love and kindness, thoughtfulness those are the things that matter - not your blood ties with me - but your good heart.

custardo - agree. I suppose the single reason that I fight for a relationship with my mother is the fact that my sons do not have any grandparents apart from her.
dh and I have lots of friends - pseudo aunties and uncles for our lads. We have had more help and support off our friends than any of our family. Our families (dh and mine) are such a mess with nastiness and bitterness running through on both sides.
I do not want my kids to learn that this is what families are about.
I am going to build a new family, starting with my dh and sons and work from there. If my mother can be pleasant to me (and with my sister out of the equation) then maybe, just maybe she can become part of my 'new' family. If not, then she will play no part in it