Staying together for the children?

[Chikadee]

I know that everyone says you shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage for your children...but I would like to hear of people who have? My husband has a bit of a drink problem, we never hug or kiss and rarely have sex, he doesn't trust me so I can't go out with friends as often as I would like to (i crave adult conversation and friendship as it lacks at home) and I think he has a lack of respect for women passed down from his father...but he is a wonderful father, hard worker, and aims to please in bed when we do have sex. I think he has some issues which he has seen a counsellor in the past about but hasn't helped. I am just very conscious that we only get one change at life and I want to enjoy it....Can I do that and stay in this relationship?

I’m in the same position. It’s so lonely but I have no support system at all and no life outside the children. I have no idea how to even begin to live a life as a single mother and think that must be worse than just putting up with a loveless mediocre marriage. The chances of ever finding somebody else at my age are incredibly minuscule. It’s all just so depressing. I’m poking up with it until they’ve left home in another 10 years and then I can work it out from there.

I doubt whether you would call him a wonderful husband so why would you call him a wonderful father?. Women in poor relationships often write that or versions thereof when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

You write that you only get one chance at life and want to enjoy it - that will not happen if you stay with this man for what are really your own reasons. Why would you want to stay with someone like this at all?. Because its somehow "easier" for you to do so?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I would think your kids do not think he is a wonderful father and probably wonder of you as well why you are putting him before them. They likely see you as being constantly worried and otherwise preoccupied because of their dad.

Staying for the children is never a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Would you want this for them as adults, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children” comes into question.

It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Divorce is not failure but living in unhappiness is failure.

Staying for the children is one thing, putting up with an abusive relationship is another! So you can't go out with your friends but your H is allowed to do as he pleases?

probablysue

Living in such unhappiness is failure.

Do not do that to them or to your own self for that matter.

Waiting for the children to go off to college or university and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

There are also many examples on this and other sites from now adult children whose parents have done what you propose. These now adults have not thanked their parents for staying together and they have felt too that their parents should have separated far earlier. Its a terribly heavy burden to place upon children.

You could probably stay for the children if you had a good life just an unhappy marriage. But the control and isolation you experience = leave!!!

What percentage of your time do you feel happy? 50%? more? less?

This is what I used to ask myself. Then I would bargain with myself - if it gets to being unhappy 80% of the time, then I'll do something about it.

What a waste of time that was. I only wished I had cut and run (with the children) 2 years earlier. Once the decision was made, I never looked back.

You're right - you only get one life. Is this really how you want to live yours?

I have no idea how to even begin to live a life as a single mother and think that must be worse than just putting up with a loveless mediocre marriage.

I love being a single parent. Yes finances can be tricky but I make it work.
So many women in these terrible marriages are pretty much living like a single parent anyway, how much difference would it make if the man wasn’t in the house any more? If anything, it would probably make your life easier!

Children won't thank you for being forced to grow up in an abusive home with an alcoholic father so that they reach adulthood with significant trauma and problems that will affect them long term. They will want to know instead why you didn't think they were worth protecting.

You wouldn't be staying for them, you would be staying for yourself because you're too afraid to leave. Don't blame them for your decisions, especially when it will damage them to live in this environment.

Maybe look up the Freedom Programme and enrol yourself.

Ok, I have name changed for this, as I know the abuse women get who stay in failed marriages.

I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions. What does 'staying for the children' mean? What would their life look like if you left?
What would yours? They would, after all, still have a father in their life if you left?
Would your life be better or worse if you left?

I still live with the man I am married to but I regard him as my ex and have had relationships with other men when I am with him. In some ways he is an extremely difficult man to be married to, but we can get on well superficially and have a good laugh together.

I am not leaving him though as I would be extremely poor if I left. I am not prepared to take my children into the lack of opportunities it would give them both now and in the future. Nor am I prepared to live like that myself. I would be struggling to buy clothes and shoes and food and would not be able to afford to go out, I would not have friends or social connections, my job pays little and has little social contact. My mental health would collapse and this would make me a terrible mother. Al least now I can go out and do hobbies, have people I am friendly with and at least the chance of making proper friendships.
So I stay, its not great and nor is it the life I want, but it's better than the current alternative, for my kids and for me.

But your situation seems different. Your relationship isn't giving you the opportunities that staying in my marriage is giving to me. Yours does sound abusive. You should seriously think about leaving. Make a detailed plan and compare it to life now.

Universal credit is very good for single parents who are the main carer. I would recommend looking into how much you would get. How much would you need to buy him out of the house, or how much would you get if you left and he had to buy you out. Where do you want to live? What are the rents and house prices like? How would you split childcare.

Its very daunting but the further into making a practical plan you get, the less scary it becomes.

I didnt want my children to grow up with a miserable mother because their lazy and selfish father made my life unhappy and so much harder than it should have been. I left just under a year ago and didnt get my own place until just before Christmas but it was 100% worth it and my relationship with the children is far better. And we arent poor.

I'd say as a first step check out benefits entitlements and get real life support. Please dont accept living half a life (or even less!) and never seeing your friends.

Probably sue.
How could it be worse as a single parent ?
I do not think so.
Sorry not all single parents are worse off some are better for it.

My difficulty is time but much better than living under a black cloud of misery
I am not sure what age has to do with moving on? it's all in your attitude and personality not your age so much.
OP
If having a sexless controlling partner I'd be leaving if it meant I had no outside life..
Sorry but no relationship is worthy of saving for income or the children
I can understand the afraid of change, I can not understand your accepting someone else can treat you like this.
Can I ask how does this become the Norm? In your life that someone can control you
How does this happen or be enabled?
I think no matter how much you try children feel and sense and know your relationship is toxic.
To stay you need to get on with socialising any parent needs a good supportive friend? What does he do to prevent your friendships?
He's not a wonderful father if he is subjecting his children's mother to being controlled.
The wheel of control-- Google it.

@probablysue how ridiculous. I absolutely love being a single parent. I'm probably happier than you are by the sounds of your post.

OP if your partner really is a good father then he will also be a good co parent if you split up. Mine is.

People who stay "for the children" are martyrs to be honest. In this day and age having divorced parents is very common. I'm one myself and I coped fine. I can tell you I would not have thanked my parents if they'd stayed together unhappily for my sake.

A close friend put up with a miserable marriage for the sake of her three sons. She was certain they needed their father.

When she finally decided she could endure it no longer and had to tell the boys she was astonished when all three wrapped their arms around her and said words to the effect of "What took you so long?"

She and her Ex are both happier now and the boys have a much better relationship with their dad too.

As a child who grew up in a home where my mother stayed for us, I can honestly day please dont.

It's sad but in secretly hoped my parents would split up when i was young. They eventually did when i was 20 and my mother was much happier for it.

The atmosphere at home was awful, the arguments were scary and upsetting for everyone. We knew they weren't happy.

You wont be doing your children any favours.

Staying for the children involves a huge amount of deception.
You are deceiving your children that their parents are in a happy and successful relationship.
You are deceiving family and friends
You are deceiving yourself.
That isn't healthy. Often its pointless too as others will recognise that your happy relationship is anything but.
Better to be honest if you can even if means staying together but explaining to everyone its an arrangement. I'd guess most relationships can't take this though and it might be best to separate.

I've read so many posts on here where the OPs parents stayed for the children then split as soon as the youngest was an adult. They all felt betrayed and like their childhoods were a lie. Reading that plus the fact that children grow up and find themselves in the type of relationship that was modelled to them, is what gave me the courage to end my marriage.

I'm much happier now and have no problem being a single parent. Financially with wages, maintainence and UC, I'm doing ok with. Ex has regular contact and DCs seem to have adapted very quickly, particularly my youngest.

@AttilaTheMeerkat do we really need blanket statements such as 'living in unhappiness is failure'...? things don't tend to be quite so black and white in real life. your post assumes all manner of things about the OP and the state of her relationship, based on very little information. also unkind and unfair to suggest that anyone staying in an unhappy marriage for the kids is actually just using those kids as an excuse to avoid the challenges of life as a single parent. while obviously that will apply to some, equally clear is the fact that plenty of people choose to sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their children and are just doing what they believe to be best for them. being told they're a 'failure' is deeply unhelpful.

@Chikadee, if you decide to stay in the marriage, maybe explore whether or not your husband would consider any further counselling, with a different therapist. is he aware of how you feel ? does he feel similarly about your marriage or does he seem to think all is good?

You did not read my post properly and have misinterpreted my writings. I stated that divorce is not in itself failure but living in such unhappiness is.

As a child of parents who stayed together for the kids my advice is don't do it. It WILL have an effect on your children. I have very few happy memories as a child and spent much of my time trying to avoid my parents once I was secondary school. I rarely bought friends home as I didnt know what the atmosphere would be like and I stayed away as much as I could. As a result I dont have the best relationship with my parents and it had definitely had an impact on my own relationships as an adult. It may not affect them so much when they are little but it definitely will once they reach about 7 and understand what's going on especially in the somewhat abusive situation you describe

@Attila, I read your post and have now read your clarification properly. your clarification doesn't in any way change my understanding of the original post. I totally agree that 'divorce isn't in itself a failure'. but I also totally disagree that 'living in such unhappiness is a failure'. it's a blanket statement that is unhelpful. like i said, we have very few details about the OP's marriage or that of @probablysue.

I addressed ProbablySue's post directly to her and I stand by it. I note too that others have written to this poster in a not too dissimilar vein.
Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

We are failing our children by living in such unhappiness for what are really our own reasons. When marriages are angry, conflicted, or terribly mediocre, parents often default to staying together for the purported sake of the children. Whose sake is that really for?. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words.

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

My initial post of 8.11 was in reply to the one written by Chikadee.

Staying in such an unhappy marriage "for the sake of the children" is the worst thing you could do imo. Your children will not thank you for it. What are you teaching your children about relationships if you stay? That it's better to be with someone and miserable than single and happy?

A friends FIL & MIL stayed together till he was 18 as not to break up the family. He has awful trust issues and is quite cold emotionally as he never saw any love in his home life. His mother went out every night to see her 'boyfriend' and the father didn't have an issue with it. Sadly the boyfriend passed away a couple of years after the family split and I always feel that it's so sad that they had to live like that for so long it affected him and the mother could have had many happy years with her new partner.

They are all still friends but there is an air of sadness about all of them which pervades everything.

As a parent though I'd say the most important thing you can do for your child is show them a model of a loving, caring relationship based on respect for them to model future relationships around. I never had that and made a huge mistake marrying XH as I thought what he gave me was a normal relationship when it was just the same as my parents dysfunction relationship.

I stayed in an unhappy marriage until the kids were adults for a variety of reasons, given my time again I wouldn't. It didn't do anyone any favours, least of all the kids.

@Attila, I completely agree that what you describe in your last post is sometimes, and probably even often, the case. My point was that the binary tone of your previous posts, both to the OP and @probablysue suggested that ALL those who decide to stay in an unhappy marriage fit that same description.

The fact that others have posted in a similar vein is neither here nor there. On threads like these, people (understandably) draw on their own personal experiences, and no doubt you and I are no exception to this. but the OP's marriage is not the same as that of other posters' parents. same goes for @probablysue. their circumstances are unique to them. and we don't know enough about them to be able to say ‘in MY case i was happier when my parents separated so it will be the same in YOUR case too'.

This is someone else’s life. And I always feel deeply uncomfortable when I read people saying things along the lines of ‘you must leave or you’ll damage your kids’, based on next to no information. People saying this may of course be right, but, based on just a few lines of text, we’ve really got very little idea - the OP’s husband not trusting her and the lack of affection don’t sound great at all, but we don’t know whether there’s constant yelling and/ or tension, or whether they feel unfulfilled in a less in your face kind of way. we don’t know their financial situations (would separation involve moving away, perhaps from existing support networks? would the kids need to be uprooted from their schools? would they struggle to afford the essentials for the kids?) we don’t know whether the kids involved have any additional emotional needs - such kids are obviously likely to find parental separation much harder to deal with than others.

Leaving may make the OP and @probablysue happier, and it may be better for their kids in the long run. Absolutely. But it’s equally possible that, with a chunk of hard work and counselling etc from both parties, perhaps a happier, more fulfilling marriage could actually be secured. At risk of sounding like a broken record, we simply don’t have enough knowledge of the individual circumstances involved here to be able to say 'living in such unhappiness is failure'.