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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Staying together for the children?

43 replies

Chikadee · 11/03/2020 07:59

I know that everyone says you shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage for your children...but I would like to hear of people who have? My husband has a bit of a drink problem, we never hug or kiss and rarely have sex, he doesn't trust me so I can't go out with friends as often as I would like to (i crave adult conversation and friendship as it lacks at home) and I think he has a lack of respect for women passed down from his father...but he is a wonderful father, hard worker, and aims to please in bed when we do have sex. I think he has some issues which he has seen a counsellor in the past about but hasn't helped. I am just very conscious that we only get one change at life and I want to enjoy it....Can I do that and stay in this relationship?

OP posts:

wowsertrousers · 11/03/2020 13:37

no idea what happened with the @username fails there!

onaplanetthatsevolving · 11/03/2020 14:10

We owe them our truth
Actually I think we owe them their truth.

litterbird · 11/03/2020 14:26

Please dont stay for the children. My parents did and it has had a lasting effect on my relationships. I grew up in an emotionless, bickering household its tainted how I interact in close bonds now. Leave now. I was a single parent for years and it was a very rewarding time. I was in control and felt free and happy.

singleusename · 11/03/2020 14:29

This is someone else’s life. And I always feel deeply uncomfortable when I read people saying things along the lines of ‘you must leave or you’ll damage your kids’, based on next to no information. People saying this may of course be right, but, based on just a few lines of text, we’ve really got very little idea

I totally agree with this. I have two friends. One who is adamant that people must leave unhappy marriages as her mother was unhappy - her father does sound awful and was financially controlling - and she knows badly if affected her and her siblings. Another friend whose father was a serial adulterer but his wife stayed until the kids were grown. He had a very happy childhood. It really does depend on individual circumstances within the marriage and home life.

There are signs in this OP though that this marriage is a pretty bad situation for OP.. OP, as I said, I really think you need to sit down and work through what life would look like if you left. If you simply have an ideal that kids need to live in two parent household I would let go of that. I know plenty of happy adults who were ultimately unaffected, or even relieved, when their parents.

OP you ask 'can I have a happy life and stay in this relationship? The answer to that appears to be NO. To do that you would need to build up a separate life outside of the marriage which makes you happy, and your husband is not allowing you to. That in itself is abuse, and its effect is to stop you building up the life you need to be happy.

singleusename · 11/03/2020 14:31

That should have read ' or even relieved, when their parents split'

StylishMummy · 11/03/2020 14:32

I was the child of a couple who stayed together 'for the kids', I fucking hated it. Constant negative atmosphere, no laughter in the house and a generally miserable time. Please separate as you and your children will be happier in the long run

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 11/03/2020 14:35

I think it depends on how the two of you can behave together. My parents stayed together for "me" and essentially ruined my childhood. As an adult I was diagnosed with attachment issues as well as a few other mental health issues. According to the psychologist I saw most of them stemmed from childhood.

A bit of a drink problem... are you minimising? My dad used to pass out on the floor. I remember making him coffee whilst the military police frog marched him around the sitting room to sober him up so he could go and investigate an air crash. That was fun. As were the screaming rows he and my mum had whilst drunk.

None of us can tell you what to do but think about your interactions and how they could be perceived through a child's eyes. I thought relationships meant screaming fights, blood and far too much alcohol. I was lucky I met dh. Even then the answer isn't always leaving but only the two of you know if change is possible. What was your husband's childhood like? If his dad was sexist, is he repeating the pattern he learnt as a child? If so, you might be able to leverage that to get him into more therapy.

Original poster

Chikadee · 11/03/2020 19:33

Thanks for your replies. I have a lot to think about. The thing that makes me particularly sad is that my youngest has us sussed already. Suspiciously asking me things like "do you and daddy love eachother?" And "Why don't you kiss or cuddle"....I just don't know what to say. Of course I don't want my children to think this is normal but I don't want them to miss out on that family unit time, holidays together as a family ect. And I worry that there's something wrong with me and that I am the problem. Maybe I'm just miserable and not capable of happiness....I used to hate my own company but I don't feel that way anymore...I think I would be quite happy without a man now. My husband gets very jealous and doesn't trust me if I go out for drinks, as a result I have over time avoided it mostly. We dont tend to do things as a couple, rarely even sit and watch tv together even. I feel lonely a lot of the time . When I have troubles I don't feel there's anyone willing to listen, least of all my husband. I'm now trying to work hard to make new friends and have a life of my own to focus on.
I could afford to move out but would have to move outside of the town we live in, I think that would be a big upheaval for the children, I could keep them at the same school though.
I really appreciate everyone's comments x

OP posts:

wowsertrousers · 11/03/2020 20:44

I really feel for you OP. things do sound miserable, and it must be really tough hearing your kids say things like that. you sound very measured though and have said you'd be happy to be on your own. if you do decide to leave, the fact that you could keep your children at the same school would be a massive advantage - that continuity would go a long way to minimise the impact on them, I suspect. far easier on them than if it was a double whammy of moving out of town AND moving to a new school. whatever you decide to do, lots and lots of luck with it

okiedokieme · 11/03/2020 20:54

Don't! I did and ended up single in middle age. I have met someone else but I cannot help thinking I could have been 10 years younger and happy, even had the chance for another child. Dp did exactly the same - ok perhaps we wouldn't have met but I still wistfully think about the life we could have had 10 years younger

Qwerty543 · 12/03/2020 08:06

Having those family holidays etc will NOT make up for the fact your children will be aware it's all fake because you and their dad don't actually love each other. It will give them a very distorted view of how a healthy relationship should look.

I bet you won't find 1 poster who says their parents stayed together for them and thought it was a good and positive thing.

Greenkit · 12/03/2020 08:59

I was together for 29yrs, married 23yrs, stayed for the kids. We were together a good 15yrs too long.

I am now happier than I have ever been

onaplanetthatsevolving · 12/03/2020 10:40

the fact your children will be aware it's all fake because you and their dad don't actually love each other. It will give them a very distorted view of how a healthy relationship should look. I bet you won't find 1 poster who says their parents stayed together for them and thought it was a good and positive thing
Apparently most children do want their parents to stay together, even if they know their parents don't love each other. Assuming the parents get on ok, and civilised, and aren't screaming and shouting. Not loving someone isn't the same thing as not being able to get on ok. If that is your situation and you think that you can make it work ok, and it is better to stay together for other reasons, then you can teach about healthy relationships and about love. As they get older you can talk about what a marriage could be, without denigrating your own.

Not what you are doing, but how you do it. So it depends.

It isn't ideal for the parents - other than they may feel it is the right thing for the dc so that makes them ok about it - but isn't for a life time either.

maa1992 · 12/03/2020 10:52

I wouldn't spend time in a relationship just to feel miserable and untrusted. I'd get out, you could probably give the kids a better life if they see you happy

PeppermintPasty · 12/03/2020 10:56

Please please don’t think being a single parent is worse than the awful situation you are describing now.

I am seven years out of an abusive loveless relationship and every day I could kiss the ground that I’m single and happy and not walking on eggshells any more.

Yes, it’s a mountain to climb, especially with children (mine were 3 and 6 at the time), I viewed it as a slog to climb up that mountain with them on my back. Slowly and carefully I climbed up, I often slowed down, sometimes stopped completely. It took me about two years to finally get rid of my awful ex.

I finally got to the top of that mountain, let me tell you-the rush of adrenaline, the freedom, the ability for us all to relax at last in our home, the kindness and support of friends, it was a momentous day when I realised what we three had achieved.

My only regret was that I hadn’t believed I could do it sooner.

Nobody is ‘just miserable’, you deserve better. Your children deserve better.

Qwerty543 · 12/03/2020 16:12

"Apparently most children do want their parents to stay together"

Of course children would say that. But they have no idea of the actual damage it would do to them and their MH and how they think a successful relationship works.

When my DP first started staying over, DD asked if he was sleeping on the sofa. She assumed that was totally normal because it's the only place she ever knew her dad to sleep.

ChristmasFluff · 12/03/2020 19:35

My Dad stated with my mum. We wished he hadn't.

He did his best to be happy and to make us happy. We were all screwed up and he finally felt able to make it plain how he felt about my Mum as he was dying.

So, do you think that on your deathbed you will be glad you stayed?

Spinningwheels · 12/03/2020 19:45

@singleusename does your husband know the true nature of your marriage as it ia now?
I would be in a similar situation if I left my DH as my life is currently, but haven't started mapping out a life separate to him like you have whilst we are still living together. We pretty much loathe each other romantically, but DH still regards me as his and I think would be devastated if he discovered I'd had an affair.
Have you had a conversation with your DH at any point about how you see your marriage? Does he know you regard him as your ex?

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