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Original poster

Boyfriend pulling away advice

41 replies

Sashwills17 · 10/03/2020 16:31

So me and my bf have been dating for about a month, he’s been really keen and seen each other a lot.
I suggested we do something and he was keen and then on the day he bailed on me saying he wanted space and that he was grumpy.
He is working nights and it was his only night off so I get it wasn’t annoyed just sad because I wanted to see him but I respect he wants space.
Anyway ever since he’s been a bit distant with me on text, not as chatty or his usual self. He seems ok in person as I have seen him in passing but he just seems to have pulled off a little bit.
Is this normal? And how should I handle it? He’s still messaging me and that just not as chatty.
Probably sounds stupid but I really don’t want to mess it up by being needy, but at the same time I kinda want some reassurance.
Any advice appreciated 😊

OP posts:
Musti · 10/03/2020 16:35

It's still early days of dating and you're getting to know each other. He may be pulling away or he may be more comfortable now and doesn't need to make as much effort. Match his effort and let him contact you.

cobwebfew · 10/03/2020 16:37

My DP can get really stressed and just generally grumpy because he's tired when he's been working a lot but at the beginning of our relationship he wouldn't have bailed on a night we were meant to be seeing each other regardless of how he felt on that day. I'd just give him his space for now but if he bails again then maybe he's just not as invested in a relationship as you are.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/03/2020 16:43

A month in, it should be all hearts and flowers, not backing off.
I would suggest he's speaking with others as well.
I'd back away.

JorisBonson · 10/03/2020 16:51

It's been a month. Calm down.

Original poster
Sashwills17 · 10/03/2020 16:58

I’m not exactly stressed just worried. I’m an over thinker which doesn’t help.
I’ve let him come to me and he has I’m just wondering if it’s normal. He hasn’t had a relationship for a while.

OP posts:
TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 10/03/2020 17:09

Is this normal

Yes, it is entirely normal to start seeing someone, then realise that you’re not all that into them, and back off.

However what I suspect you mean is ‘Is it normal for someone to behave like this even if they’re really into you?’ And the answer to that question is an unequivocal ‘no’.

12345kbm · 10/03/2020 17:53

Needy people are really unattractive. I have advice for you: mirror his behaviour. Don't contact him first, message as much as he is doing.

Start going out with your friends, join a gym, go to yoga, take a cookery class, do some training for work...anything to be less of a cling on.

He'll either appreciate the space and start to approach you or he'll maintain the distance and it's time to finish the relationship.

Universalwand · 10/03/2020 17:57

Personally I'd ignore the above about mirroring his behaviour. It's playing games and really childish.
Why would you want to waste your time second guessing this guy or feeling let down?
He's bailed on you and sounds miserable.
Get higher standards
He's not showing you much and if he's like this I guarantee its only gonna get worse

12345kbm · 10/03/2020 18:05

@Universalwand ain't you a peach.

Original poster
Sashwills17 · 10/03/2020 18:47

Doesn’t look good then does it 😞

OP posts:
Dozer · 10/03/2020 18:50

Not that into you. Unless he’s suggesting meeting up pretty soon (or has agreed and set a day/time if you’ve suggested it) wouldn’t invest more time in messaging.

cloudbusting42 · 10/03/2020 19:02

I'm with @Universalwand

Mimicking the behaviour of someone in order to manipulate them into responding the way you want is totally counterproductive. Been there. If anything, it makes you even more hyperaware of their silence. Too much turmoil for you when they probably don't even notice any change.

So talk to him. Say you feel like he's been less into yr relationship than at the very beginning. Watch closely for how he responds. Hearty, sincere reassurance and you're all good. Good luck.

ErickBroch · 10/03/2020 20:12

Aw I am sorry OP - I do think you are right and he is pulling away because he is losing interest. Nothing to do with the one incident about his only night off, but the fact his messaging and the way he's spoken to you has changed and he isn't trying to see you all the time Flowers I would definitely pull back yourself x

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 10/03/2020 22:27

It's not being manipulative to pull back yourself. It shows him you have your own life and are of high value so won't be waiting around for the crumbs he throws. If you pull back and he's interested he will step up and show interest. If he doesn't you know his feelings and are worth more. Do things you enjoy in the meantime

changemynamechangemynamewhen · 10/03/2020 22:29

@cloudbusting42 it's been a month. Someone saying they don't think their partner is as into their relationship as before at this stage will quite rightly have them running for the hills

FlaskMaster · 10/03/2020 22:34

At 1 month in you're supposed to be super excited by the thought of seeing your bf/gf and want to text them all the time, and also to show them your best side. If this is the best he can be arsed to show you - cancelling seeing you for no reason other than he'd prefer not to(!!), being cold/off/lazy with messages, not showing any interest - it will never get better. This is shit. I'd ditch him immediately.

MzHz · 10/03/2020 22:53

Month in?

Forget it!

NEXT!!

Mermaidwaves · 11/03/2020 01:51

It has only been a month but my experience has been as soon as they start messaging less and seem less interested it's the beginning of the end. I'm very sad and I've still got whattsap conversations from online dates and you can see exactly at what stage they've lost interest. I am aware how tragic that is Hmm . Trust your gut OP it's usually right.

Guineapigbridge · 11/03/2020 02:47

Rule 1. Messenging is boring and men can't be arsed with it. Talk on the phone or meet face to face, but endless messenging is a massive turn off.

Rule 2. Never chase a man into his cave. Let him come to you!

Rule 3. Have your own life. Confidently do things without him.

Follow those three rules and you'll have a better time with men.

puds11 · 11/03/2020 02:50

It’s been a month and it’s already a bit shit? Time to let go.

BitOfFun · 11/03/2020 03:31

A month in is barely a boyfriend. Keep your options open.

Opentooffers · 11/03/2020 05:35

Beware the lovebomber, fast in, fast out. You say you've seen each other a lot in 1 month, maybe you've been too available to each other. Take it easy in future and go at a steady pace.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/03/2020 05:44

It doesn't matter whether it's been a month or a year - if it's not moving in the way you want it to then something needs to change.

He may just not be into you anymore or he may just not want to rush things, which is fine - but if you're not happy then you're not happy.

Don't bother wasting your time on someone who's not making the effort you expect.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 11/03/2020 05:57

Oh I've had an ex like this. I did as above poster suggested and mirrored his behaviour ...it ended that told me everything . I tried talking to him about it first too. We were 5 months down the line...it still ended.
The pp is right you can tell exactly when they checked out. Going forward if I get this feeling, well I now know it's never wrong and I check out too. Saves all the angst.
You're only a month in , he should be gagging to see you. Sometimes things just dont work out and if his interest is waning after a month well this is one of these cases. Cut your losses and move on with your heart and self respect in tact. A simple this isn't working but I wish you luck text should suffice.
Have you heard of the gradual fade out? My guess is this the tactic he is using, I'd give him what he wants sooner rather than later and chalk it up to experience. It's a shitty thing to do on his part but 4 weeks in isn't a huge deal.

category12 · 11/03/2020 07:51

A month in? Just let it go.

It should be fun and exciting and make you feel good, not creating angst and confusion.