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Original poster

Confused by hoovering guy

39 replies

BlackDeath · 09/03/2020 23:46

So this isn’t about a vacuum cleaner!

I have had great advice on here before about a guy who I fell for a couple of years ago. We never dated as we were both with other people. I went NC with him at the end of last year but didn’t tell him so and didn’t block him or anything. He didn’t contact me either in that time.

In the few months since then I have felt calmer because he hasn’t been able to cause new, fresh hurts. But today he got in touch, apologising for not being in touch sooner, wanting to know all my news.

What do I do? Honestly, I have thought about him every day since I saw him last year. I have strong feelings for him. We have never discussed our feelings for each other.

Part of me thinks, why can’t he just leave me alone? If he’s not interested then let me go. He hoovers me back each time.

I also think he has displayed a lot of narcissist tendencies.

I don’t know what to do. What would you do?

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 09/03/2020 23:47

Is he still with someone else ?

If so, leave it. You dont need that wound reopened.

gamerchick · 09/03/2020 23:48

Ignore him.

Windmillwhirl · 09/03/2020 23:50

Well he has left you alone for a long time till today. It's up to you if you let him back into your life. You aren't under a mystical spell. Decide if this person is good for you and if the answer is no, which it appears it is, delete and block him and get on with your life.

milksoffagain · 10/03/2020 00:06

You're considering a relationship with someone you went NC with? You might feel stronger now but for how long? Madness! You know he's not good for you. Re-read your own OP, noticing the words 'hoover' and 'narcissistic tendencies'. The answers are all there. Block him on everything and run for the hills. What on earth are you thinking?

Thisismytimetoshine · 10/03/2020 00:13

Just ignore him. Why would you do anything else at this point?

Pandamoore · 10/03/2020 00:21

Delete and block him on everything. Dont reply. He thinks it's ok to vanish for ages and then reappear like you guys are old friends that just lost touch somehow. Textbook narcissist. If you reply he thinks 'good, she's a pushover. I've got her now'. And he will either vanish again with his ego boosted or worse, hang about and make you a target for further abuse and manipulation.

You cannot hope for the narcissist to give you closure and set you free. You are a toy to them and even if they get bored with you and cast you aside sometimes, they never fully throw you away or want to let others play with you.

He isn't a nice person.
You need to make your own closure. And never let him back into your life. Set boundaries for yourself.

NoMoreDickheads · 10/03/2020 09:04

Block on everything-

You know inside that whatever might happen with him isn't good, and he has caused and will cause you pain.

Menora · 10/03/2020 09:29

Be honest about why you didn’t block him
You want to hear from him
And you are allowing him access to you - you know exactly what you need to do really

Musti · 10/03/2020 09:34

I don't understand. You never had anything with him so he is just a friend/acquaintance?

Windmillwhirl · 10/03/2020 09:36

I think part of you is enjoying the drama and thinking maybe he wants you after all. If that is the case, you've bigger issues to work on than just blocking him.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 10/03/2020 09:47

Block.

Har23 · 10/03/2020 09:50

Ignore him. Your only re-introducing all that hurt and and annoyance he brought before. Think about how good you felt without him in your life. Move on, ignore and block. Xx

Original poster
BlackDeath · 10/03/2020 09:56

I felt better without the drama of him in my life. I felt like my life was improving without him. I was getting emotionally stronger. I feel angry that he’s popped back up in my life.

Yes, we were just friends but it was a lot more complicated than that. There were feelings on both sides that were never vocalised or acted upon.

I’m not going to reply yet.

OP posts:
Lsquiggles · 10/03/2020 10:06

Just block him so he can't randomly come back into your life and hinder your progress. Is it really NC if he never messages you... Then when he does you feel this way?

HaddawayAndShite · 10/03/2020 10:12

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just block him? Unless you want him to “hoover you back up” there seems to be little reason.

You say you felt better without him in your life, why would you want that hurt and confusion again?

TulipsTwoLips · 10/03/2020 10:19

Sounds like you may need to block him if he is going to keep doing this.

Original poster
BlackDeath · 10/03/2020 10:22

I have never blocked anyone in my life. It’s not my style. I would hate to be blocked myself and I don’t think it’s a nice way to treat other people.

But... I need to protect myself too. I can choose to ignore his message. If I had blocked him I would have been wondering the whole time if he had tried to contact me or not. At least this way I know.

We also work in the same field so are likely to bump into each other again.

I want to handle this in a dignified way that doesn’t cause me hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackDeath · 10/03/2020 10:23

I think he’s just bored and fancies a bit of excitement back in his life.

OP posts:
MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 10/03/2020 10:25

If you think replying to him is going to cause you hurt then that says it all.
Take a little satisfaction from the fact he has reached out again if you must, but just leave it. Time has passed, you are feeling better with NC, don't take a giant leap back in your life.
Onwards!

CornflakeBreath · 10/03/2020 10:28

Your problem is you still have feelings for him so no matter what great advice people give you on here, until you move on and let go of his hold on you, you will repeat the same pattern of “you reply, he replies, you reply, he stops and vanishes, you moon over him for a year, he pops back up again, and you reply”.

The good thing to do would be stop giving a fuck if he’s going to send a message or not, get him blocked, and stop wasting the few years we get on a man who uses you for an ego boost.

FlowerArranger · 10/03/2020 10:34

Come on.

You know what to do.

Original poster
BlackDeath · 10/03/2020 10:34

You make a lot of sense cornflake.

I’m annoyed because - he effectively never replied to my last text and months passed. So I didn’t feel responsible for the NC. I was healing from this dysfunctional friendship. But now he has contacted me, if I don’t reply it will be me who has ended the friendship and I don’t want that responsibility. Subtle difference but it has angered and upset me.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 10/03/2020 10:34

If you've never blocked anyone, then now's the time to start. It's not a matter of treating people in a way that's 'not very nice,' it's for your health and wellbeing.

You don't nee to know whether he's messaged or not. The only reason you want to know that is because you're still into him.

To not be into him you need to block. Then you wouldn't have the unpleasant feeling that comes with him not messaging, or the risk of hurt from getting involved with him again.

Original poster
BlackDeath · 10/03/2020 10:38

I would rather ask him not to contact me again than block him. If I asked him not to contact me then he never would. But he would wonder what on earth was going on!

OP posts:
MarjoryMinor · 10/03/2020 10:41

How do you know that there were feelings on both sides if they were never talked about or acted on? Sounds more like limerance.