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Original poster

Confused by hoovering guy

39 replies

BlackDeath · 09/03/2020 23:46

So this isn’t about a vacuum cleaner!

I have had great advice on here before about a guy who I fell for a couple of years ago. We never dated as we were both with other people. I went NC with him at the end of last year but didn’t tell him so and didn’t block him or anything. He didn’t contact me either in that time.

In the few months since then I have felt calmer because he hasn’t been able to cause new, fresh hurts. But today he got in touch, apologising for not being in touch sooner, wanting to know all my news.

What do I do? Honestly, I have thought about him every day since I saw him last year. I have strong feelings for him. We have never discussed our feelings for each other.

Part of me thinks, why can’t he just leave me alone? If he’s not interested then let me go. He hoovers me back each time.

I also think he has displayed a lot of narcissist tendencies.

I don’t know what to do. What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackDeath · 10/03/2020 10:43

Because it was obvious and he also discussed it with mutual friends.

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 10/03/2020 10:47

God, it all sounds very teenage... Why would he discuss it with friends but not with you? You’re both adults.

MarjoryMinor · 10/03/2020 10:50

Why don't you just talk about it to him then? Ask him what the hell he is playing at? You have nothing to lose as you already feel shit and may get closure. Otherwise just block him.

RUSU92 · 10/03/2020 10:56

Is it really NC if he never messages you... Then when he does you feel this way?

I agree with this to some extent.

But also have done the same as you in the past OP due to your reasoning: "If I had blocked him I would have been wondering the whole time if he had tried to contact me or not. At least this way I know."

I think you need to acknowledge the message, but only in your mind, I'm glad to hear from him, but he's waited for months without hearing from me to finally remember who I am, while I've thought about him every day. This is not the basis for a happy relationship".

I'm not sure if there's a 'dignified and not-rude' way to reply to his message without opening up a load more correspondence, which you really don't want/need.

If you say "please don't contact me again" he'll love the drama it provokes and play the victim, badgering to know what he could possibly have done to make you feel that way.

If you're even remotely friendly he'll realise he still has you on the hook and keep playing with you.

Maybe a "new phone, who dis?" message Grin

Honestly, the best way to deal with it is to ignore and then block. I know you say its not your style, but your style has kept this guy on your mind every day for months, even when you know he's got narc traits and brings drama into your life, before ignoring you for months on end.

Cut this one loose, and move on with your life. You need to know that every time you pick up your phone and check for messages, he's not going to be able to just pop up unexpectedly and rock your sense of calm again.

wowsertrousers · 10/03/2020 11:50

@Thisismytimetoshine - that's a bit unfair. OP said they were both with other people at the time. If they'd discussed their feelings for each other while in other relationships, I think most would say that would have been inappropriate / emotional affair territory.

OP, I hear what you're saying about wanting to tell him not to contact you again rather than just blocking. Outside of the context of creepy people on OLD, blocking without warning seems a bit teenagery to me, and i'm not sure it's the best way to get closure in such circumstances anyway. You'd probably spend ages wondering what he was thinking about having been blocked or wondering if he'd even noticed, etc. Perhaps you could send him a brief explanatory message firmly drawing a line under it, give him a chance to respond, and THEN block and move on with your life.

merryhouse · 10/03/2020 12:02

@wowsertrousers and discussing it with mutual friends is entirely appropriate? come on...

Two choices, @BlackDeath. Either never reply - and block! - and run the risk of having to explain if you meet by chance; or send a brief message "I stepped back from our friendship because the physical attraction between us was complicating things for me. This has been working well so I'd like it to continue. Thanks for understanding. Have a nice life!"

wowsertrousers · 10/03/2020 12:20

@merryhouse - me saying most would agree it would've been inappropriate to discuss their feelings with one another while both in relationships doesn't equate to me saying it was 'entirely appropriate' to discuss with mutual friends. I like your suggested message though - bright and breezy, and the 'thanks for understanding' makes clear it's not up for discussion - decision firmly made. @BlackDeath, if it was me, i'd go with something similar.

FlowerArranger · 10/03/2020 13:10

You are overthinking this, OP!!

Why are you giving this guy so much headspace?

Either block or don't reply.

Windmillwhirl · 10/03/2020 13:16

I don't this is hoovering at all. You sent the last message and he never replied. All this time later he gets back to you with a very basic text. I think you want him to want you and holding out before you reply, in your mind is giving him a taste of his own medicine.

You didn't block him because you have been waiting for this text.

It's quite clear you are going to reply and then wait and see if he replies to you and so on and so forth.

Thisismytimetoshine · 10/03/2020 13:31

Yes, I’d agree.
He’s just asked how you’ve been, op. For all he knows you’re still attached, and for all you know, so is he...
What sort of hurt did he cause you in the past if there was never anything between you?

BillyN0Mates · 10/03/2020 13:41

I'd just reply with a very closed breezy message leaving no room for further questions.

I'm someone who can never leave a message unread though!

Musti · 10/03/2020 14:08

This sounds very weird. If there was a lot more to it and you still like him then why dint you reply with your news (ie that you're single) and ask him for his news. If he replies he's still in a relationship then you can go NC again otherwise there may be a chance at you two getting together?

MissSmiley · 10/03/2020 16:33

I agree with Musti, talk to him and find out if he's single, if he does have feelings for you and he's not seeing anyone what's to stop you meeting? I would be more bothered if he'd kept in touch while he was in a relationship, he might still be thinking about you and want to see where things might go

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/03/2020 16:52

It always amazes me how ppl are willing to make all sorts of assumptions based on their own prejudices, I have seen ppl hear slating the OM, but no one has any idea what he is thinking or what he though was going on. That includes the OP. Mutual friends may not know the full situation and to be honest they could be just winding you up also.
I think firstly you need to decided, whether you still want your present partner or not ( assuming you are still with him). It seems that if you are hankering after someone else who you think of every day than you need to end this relationship and find someone you don't view as second best.
Secondly, I would then tell this man how you are feel. There is no way to be 100% sure what he knows or how he feels unless you speak honestly and openly with him. It will make you vulnerable but at the end of the day atleast you will be sure.
You can then decide on how to proceed. If he is currently with someone than he will need to end that relationship first and come back to you and see if you are still available.
If after this you don't get a situation you are happy with, that I would then block

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