Newly single, lonely and hating OLD

[Palmtree76]

I am newly single, broke up with my long term partner in December after 13 years together.

I have moved away and now live alone close to my office. I feel like I have taken 5000 steps back and am desperately lonely. I go to work and come home and try and fill evenings. I do the usual: gym, meeting friends when I can and other social stuff. But so many friends are married with kids- I’m 32 and feel abandoned.

I’ve tried OLD- bumble specifically. I feel like I find nobody I physically find attractive and anyone I do like who likes me back then never bothers to reply to my message. I don’t think my openers are ‘dry’ and I think I’m quite quick-witted but have only had one message back in 3 weeks.

Basically I need some success stories on OLD and some reassurance I won’t feel this way forever. Right now I feel very low and hate my life and what it’s become.

I think friends of friends is the way to go
So make it known you're lonely , ask for your friends to just mention you're single to their partners and do they know anyone nice to introduce you to even if it's just as friends
Old is soul destroying, like having a full time job keeping up with all the messaging, ghosting and messing around ime

Its early days OP.

You're newly single and you've only really tried bumble? You're limiting the playing field here massively!!

OLD can be brilliant. THREE of my friends met their partners (one husband now) through online dating, theres lots of kids now too and everyone is bumbling along nicely . My sister in law met her bf of 3 years when she was 39 , no kids, so fed up. Now shes settled, has a 6 month old and all this happened in just a couple of years. Shed written herself off for God's sake!!!

It takes time I'm told. And patience. And using more than one site!!

Relax. .dont over analyse this. Dont worry too much about the OLD horror stories. For every bad, theres a good. Have faith and keep smiling

What mamato3lads said! I know of several OLD success stories so don't write it off.

Is it possible the way you're feeling is coming through in your messages and the way you approach new matches? Why not just enjoy single life for a bit, spend time with friends, do things you enjoy and see how things go? If you're happier in yourself and enjoying life that'll shine through when you speak to people.

Sifting through all the undesirables and unsuitables online can be completely soul destroying so don't let life pass you by and get on with making the most of it meantime! You never know who might cross your path just when you least expect it!

Oh palmtree you poor thing. You’ve been with someone since you were only just an adult and it must be shit to feel single and lovely. Why not give yourself a break? Take six months to find yourself again, you surely can’t be with someone for 13 years from such a young age without forgetting a bit of your real self. There’s no rush, at 32 you're still young enough to find the right person when you’re ready. Give yourself a bit of time to feel like you again and enjoy the positives of singledom for a little while!

Lounge is right; the very last thing you need now is some sort of rebound relationship. Give yourself six months to get over it all before you look for a new partner.

OLD is shit.

Try a paid for site, less men on there but they are serious. If you just want fun then tinder is perfect but you need a thick skin. Took me 4 months to find my dp, I quite liked swiping and dating but I'm very happy now

okie I hated OLD but I found the free sites better. Reverse situation though as I'm a guy. I only got messed around by women on the paid sites.

I split with my partner of 10 years about 9 months ago, so I can empathise with how rubbish you will be feeling. However, even now I don’t feel ready to meet someone new - yes I feel lonely at times but I know if I did online dating it would be for all the wrong reasons. My ex also did quite a good job of messing with my head and making me feel such hurt and sadness that I have had trouble moving on. It is however now getting to the point where I am a bit worried I am stuck in a rut and will never feel like meeting someone, so there is probably a balance somewhere! I have tried my best to take time for myself and do the things I want to do. I have actually quite liked not having to run around and cook dinner etc for someone else. However, I am going to admit I have a dog and he has been a total lifesaver! I am 8 years older than you. Basically don’t rush it unless you feel ready to move on, but also take time to grieve what you lost and find out who you are and try and be comfortable in your own company X

I met my bf on old. He was only the second person I went on a date with. I don’t find people attractive from pictures I’ve realised 🤷🏼‍♀️. I go for the ones I don’t find unattractive who have interesting information. Then in real life you may find an attraction and chemistry

I wouldn't use bumble. Full of lazy men that want to be chased. Get yourself on everything else including paid for ones. Pay for some professional photos and write a short happy profile. Don't bother messaging first. Give the ones that message you 4 messages to ask for your number or suggest a drink. Don't chat endlessly. Stop replying if they don't suggest meeting quickly. Go on lots of dates. It's just a numbers game that you will win eventually

Bumble is full of men wanting the ego boost of having a woman message them. They don’t reply and have no intention of ever leaving their mum’s basement. Get thee to Tinder - even the men on paid sites also dip their toes into Tinder. If nothing else you will get some surprises (weird ones) and encounter diversity in all its forms! And there is a strong chance you’ll meet someone special.

13 years, split less than 3 .months and dating again. No no no it's too soon. Dont be so eager to give up your freedom. If your just looking for hook ups fin, as long as your honest about that. But if you're looking for something more you cant just replace one relationship with another. Breaking up is hard, its shit and it hurts like hell. It's also something we have to go through to get out the other side. It's a necessary process OLD isn't great at the best of times it's not going to make you feel any better now.
Even if you did get involved with someone half decent , which is unlikely whilst this vulnerable, the chances of you having the mental/emotional capacity to sustain a healthy relationship whilst grieving for the last one is unlikely. That potentially means hurting someone else and that's not fair. This is the exact reason why OLD is so hard. It's full of people who dont want to do the work on themselves and get involved too soon.
Listen I get that things are shitt right now. So work on that. Make your life as near dammit to perfect. Give yourself time to be sad for what has happened and the kindness needed to move onto a happier place. Then when you meet someone there will be something to work with and if it goes wrong again it wont matter, your life will be how you want it with or without a man.
Spend time making your new home yours. Explore your new life until you love it. I'm betting you'll learn so much about yourself and what actually makes you happy along the way. Keep yourself as busy as you can but accept there will be down and bad days. That's ok it's all part of the process.

Wow you lot are amazing, some wonderful advice there...

You are right, I’m probably not ready for a relationship yet. But my ex and I were so close and I liked having “my person” when I needed them. I feel lonely because I don’t really speak to anyone apart from at work during the day and I’d love to be able to chat to someone about our days and plans for weekend and mundane shit like that. That’s where I really feel lonely.

I’ve tried to keep busy but I’m someone who’s not good on my own. But I know this is a process I need to go through, even though it’s breaking my heart.

I also feel like I’ve not got time to waste. I want kids and I want to get married and I don’t know if I have 6 months to just focus on myself. I’m panicking because 6 months ago I didn’t see this coming so it’s all new.

Tinder seemed like hookup central and I don’t just want sex. I want to meet someone on my wavelength who I fancy and makes me laugh. I’ll dip my toe into other sores maybe in a few months but for now I’ve snoozed Bumble. I can’t deal with the ladmin involved 😂 AND I didn’t realise just how true it was about having a woman approach a man, makes SENSE NOW!

@hopingforbettertimes god I wish I had a dog to keep me company. I hope you feel stronger to venture into OLD soon, I’m sorry you’ve had such a shit time

It's FAR too soon for dating ! I used to go to Meet Up nights ( social) out and come home crying as it wasn't what I wanted to be doing .

Get yourself a cat and do look at Meet Up in your area for non dating options.

I was on my own for 3 years and am now very happily married to my H. Met on POF. You need to take your time - you have plenty of it .

I think you are still mourning the relationship you had and as such OLD is too soon for you. As the staffed penguin has said, try meet up nights, join a few clubs and broaden your interests. Get a PT job in a pub at night if you can find the time a couple of nights a week. This was a great way of not feeling lonely for me and I ended up with a whole new set of friends and social life off the back of it.

I would avoid OLD for at least 6 months after the break up of a relationship, possibly even longer. It is a minefield and you need a very thick skin. You still have lots of time to meet someone and have children. Don’t rush into it. Your next choice of man could end up being a very bad one if you rush things and you could be back to square one in a year or so.

I second the point that it's too early tho I know why you feel the need to do this as I was the same . But you should concentrate on yourself for a while and ditch the OLD. It just made a bad situation worse for me and just gave some knobbers who I didn't know the opportunity to kick me while I was down

@TheStuffedPenguin I already tick the box for sad, single cat lady!

I also feel like I’ve not got time to waste. I want kids and I want to get married and I don’t know if I have 6 months to just focus on myself. I’m panicking because 6 months ago I didn’t see this coming so it’s all new.

But surely you can see that you not knowing if you have 6 months to just focus on yourself is a clear indication that you are not ready for a relationship?

You have been with the same person all your adult life. Of course you must first grieve this loss. But also you must find out who you really are because, having joined up with your previous partner at such an early and impressionable age, you may not have grown to be who you really are.

So not wasting 6 [just SIX...] months would be false economy. Not only would you appear desperate (and thus risk being messed about by unscrupulous men), but you might end up with totally the wrong person. You absolutely HAVE to make this investment in yourself. Only if you can be content and happy with yourself will you be ready for a proper partnership with someone else.

And I second the advice regarding Meetup and getting a cat. I would also suggest volunteering for an organisation whose mission aligns with your beliefs and motivations.

I met my DP on OLD. He was my third relationship from the same site and I was about to give up.
I split with my husband of 13yrs about 4yrs ago. I can now see that I jumped into OLD as I was lonely like you describe, but I should have waited as all that happened is I accepted less than I deserved. I was treated like crap by the first two relationships after my divorce. I had other shorter flings but again, it felt like I was being used.

When I met my DP I put up a brief profile, then changed my mind and tried to take it down half an hour later. By this point he'd contacted me and sounded lovely, so I froze my profile instead of deleting it so that I could chat with him. I wasn't feeling up to it so I put off a first date for several weeks and he was more than happy to wait and just keep chatting. I think a major part of OLD success is luck and timing - that half hour up on the site was all it took to meet someone perfect for me. He was only on there that day because his colleagues were nagging at him for being permanently single. I also made a mistake in my haste to set up the profile - I forgot to increase the age to between 30 and 39 (my usual setting as I was 33). My DP was 28 so wouldn't have been able to see my profile if I'd done it properly.

We've been together a couple of years now and had our first child a fortnight ago. He's the most understanding and sweet person I've ever met and although we're incredibly similar, the slight differences between us make things work better.

Good luck to you, OP. But make sure you're ready to date properly and DO NOT accept less than you deserve because you don't think you'll find a better match than your ex. Do not settle because you think you don't have time to wait for the right person.

It's not too soon. Most people take ages to meet someone decent on OLD. In the meantime why not go out on a few drinks and dinner dates? It's good practice! I had a lovely time dating when I split up from my first husband, getting dressed up, going to lots of new restaurants and bars that I never normally would and met lots of perfectly nice men. Not a spark with all of them but perfectly pleasant company for an evening out. But yourself a nice first date outfit and get out there and start enjoying yourself!

You are right, I’m probably not ready for a relationship yet. But my ex and I were so close and I liked having “my person” when I needed them

And I think this is why you aren't quite ready for dating again yet. You want to recreate that closeness because you, naturally, miss it, but you won't get that dating. At least until you meet the right person, and even then there will be weeks (months!) of cautiously getting to know one another. I'd be afraid that you'd be throwing yourself whole heartedly into another relationship which might not be the right one, in order to get back to the state you are used to as fast as possible.

Honestly, single life is fab. Maybe get out, join some classes, learn to do something you've always wanted (creative writing, horse riding, pottery). Offer to give talks at your local library on any areas of special knowledge you have. Talk to people. And learn to live alone. That way you will be best place to make a good decision about which man you subsequently decide to give the benefit of your attentions to!

skinny I don't think it's on to go on dates just for practice if the men are genuinely looking for a relationship and you're not ready (and the OP clearly isn't). It's potentially wasting their time (and money).