Newly single, lonely and hating OLD

[Palmtree76]

I am newly single, broke up with my long term partner in December after 13 years together.

I have moved away and now live alone close to my office. I feel like I have taken 5000 steps back and am desperately lonely. I go to work and come home and try and fill evenings. I do the usual: gym, meeting friends when I can and other social stuff. But so many friends are married with kids- I’m 32 and feel abandoned.

I’ve tried OLD- bumble specifically. I feel like I find nobody I physically find attractive and anyone I do like who likes me back then never bothers to reply to my message. I don’t think my openers are ‘dry’ and I think I’m quite quick-witted but have only had one message back in 3 weeks.

Basically I need some success stories on OLD and some reassurance I won’t feel this way forever. Right now I feel very low and hate my life and what it’s become.

You lovely lot making me cry before work!

I deep down know I need to give myself some time to know who I am and what I want. I am grieving for what I had with my ex but I also felt I kind of did that when we were together as although it ending was a bolt out of the blue, I saw the writings on the wall.

I have a wonderful cat and have just brought a beautiful new house and have a great job so I have a lot to be thankful for. But deep down I feel like a failure for being the only friend on my group to be unmarried and without kids. It feels horrendous and I do wonder what I did wrong to end up here, single at 32 (nearly 33!) and living alone with my cat for company.

I think I do need to be alone but it’s so fucking hard. I came home Friday night after begging colleagues to go for a drink (I work in a super small office!) and walked home to nobody. I woke up and went for a run and had breakfast alone on Saturday. Then I wandered around the shops and called a few friends who were all busy. Ate alone and repeated on Sunday. I hate that.

@ShatnersWig I meant it's good practice even if they're not for you. Op is in her 30s. Ageing can happen pretty quickly at this stage. I was 31 when I dated again and I looked pretty good. I'm 34 now and married but I definitely think I've aged a bit so glad I'm not dating now! You can't afford to waste the pretty let alone your fertile years if you want marriage and children. Foolish to be hanging around stroking your cat and licking your wounds instead of getting out there. Such bad advice here

@Palmtree76Just to say we're in pretty much the same position - ex, who I'd been with since we were 16, cheated on me with a close friend and now I find myself more alone that I've ever felt or wanted to be. I'm TERRIFIED of dating again, but also terrified of being alone forever. Weekends are the worst - it's horrible to dread them. I'm also hating thinking about how I'm going to get rid of my holiday from work - it feels like a really weird position to be in. I know the right think to do is 'get good with myself' and being independent and single, and not to make relationships/dating a priority for a while - but it's so much easier said than done! The only practical advice I could offer is trying MeetUp groups as they're an easy way to fill up your time/potentially meet people - but they can be very dependent on where you live.

@skinnymarshmallow “ageing can happen quickly” FFS, I’ve just booked to have some Botox and am living on grapes. The heartbreak diet apparently missed my stop.....!!

I think it’s still very soon after the breakdown of your past relationship OP. Give yourself some time to heal and find out who you are now, I think when the time is right you’ll know. At the momentI suspect you are just trying to get back to the comfort and security you had before your relationship broke down.

I think luck and timing have a huge part to play in OLD, I’m also in agreement with the poster who suggested that if you are feeling lonely, your boundaries might not be as they usually are when you’re feeling really great about yourself. Also, if your heart is still a little bound up with someone else it can be hard to find anyone else attractive, this might be why you don’t feel you’re seeing many people that are ‘you’.

I also wanted to make a comment about Bumble and I’m glad to see some shared views here. I’ve long thought that the notion that it puts women in ‘control’ to be a load of claptrap. It puts pressure on women and agree that many on there are potentially just message ‘collecting’. OP, if you do feel OLD is right for you at the moment, try some other sites too.

I didn't find most people i saw on old attractive and if I did when we met there was no attraction. Same as in real life really.

I met someone in real life in the end. I we split i would do old again.

I think I do need to be alone but it’s so fucking hard. I came home Friday night after begging colleagues to go for a drink (I work in a super small office!) and walked home to nobody. I woke up and went for a run and had breakfast alone on Saturday. Then I wandered around the shops and called a few friends who were all busy. Ate alone and repeated on Sunday. I hate that.

You are - what - 32? I found myself where you're at at 60+, after 4 decades of marriage...

Rome wasn't built in a day. You spent the last 13 years in a relationship which was the focus of your life. You probably did not devote enough time to friendships, hobbies that did not involve your partner, or activities that brought you joy in their own right. This is what you need to focus on now. Not dating. Don't date out of desperation, because it will not bring you what you are longing for.

It will take time, but you will get there. I did, despite my advanced age. I'm out almost every night, I have a wide circle of friends, I volunteer, I listen to the music I like, I paint..... And if all else fails I cuddle up in my comfy bed with my gorgeous little cat and a glass of Sauvignon Bland. BLISS !!

I'm sure I'll date again some day. But now is not the time. In any case, I don't have time - I'm too busy doing things I couldn't do before. You'll get there too, if you give it time.

@FlowerArranger thank you for your lovely post. You have me a much needed virtual slap.

I’ve snoozed Bumble until further notice. AGAIN i messaged four guys and again got zero response. It’s doing nothing for my confidence even though I’m trying to appear breezy.

I’ve decided to spend the next four weeks focusing on me and see where I get to. I know I should give myself 6 months but I just don’t think I have it in me. I want to meet someone and laugh- even if it’s a date that goes nowhere, the idea of meeting someone new is appealing for my sanity.

Have also decided to take control of how I feel about having a family and get a fertility MOT. It’s adding another layer of “what if” to an already anxious situation, and I hope it makes me feel more in control.