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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I dont want to drift apart, i love him

32 replies

Driftershq · 09/03/2020 15:26

Really confused with where my relationship is at, at the minute and It is hard to talk to boyfriend about it.

Been together 1.5 years, both late 20's and recently hit a rocky patch due to several reasons but a long story.

About 5/6 weeks ago we decided we needed a break from each other. It was really hard and I did nothing but cry. For 1 week we had no contact and I realizedhow much i missed him. 2nd week of the break we started to message more and at times began to feel like old times again with jokey messages and generalchit chat. After a 2 week break we met up, talked things through and said how we both love each other and we both want to make it work. We had both done things wrong in the relationshipbut agreed to put these behind us after talking it all through.

We said we would take things slow and see how it all pans out, i just didn't realise how slow thingswere going to be when i agreed to taking it slow. Since getting back together over the course of the last 3/4 weeks i have seen him 5 times and most of these have just been going roundfor tea after work as he is often busy at weekends. We did have a nice day day on a saturday though which was lovely and just like old times. We are getting on well and both making the effort, it shows just how good we are together when we make time for each other and are honest and open.

My main issue is that he has said we are 'taking things slow' which to him means no staying over at his place like i used to do. He can't stay at mine due to not living on my own.I use to stay around 3/4 nights a week at his before. It is hard going round after work or after hobbies for some food and a quick hour together then having to leave to go home at 9pm. Due to this and the taking thingsslow bit we haven't been intimate together for 6 weeks. It's not just the sex that I miss, but general cuddles, bear hugs, cheeky bum slaps, skin to skin contact, kisses other than a peck on the lips. He use to sit in his boxers and watch tv cuddled up to me because he gets too hot but instead now just sits and watches tv next to me fully clothed. I feel like becauseof this we are driftingapart and will end up as just really good friends in nothing changes soon. Its taking 1 step forward but 2 steps back.

We've agreed that we are still boyfriend/girlfriend, together as a couple, exclusive and are still counting the fact we've been together 18months. We agreed that we weren't starting from the beginning, casually dating or counting again from month one. It just makesme so confused! Even when we first started dating and had just met he asked me to stay over at his on date 3 (about 2/3 weeks in). Which back then I politely declined as i thought it was too soon, i'd only just met him. But now i'd do anything to fall asleep in his arms again or just have some physical intimacy.

I don't really know what i'm posting for, just needed to get it off my chest as i've tried talking to him about it and he doesn't agree. Will this make us drift apart? Surely its the closeness that makes you a couple. I don't want to be just great friends!

OP posts:
newmummalion · 09/03/2020 15:42

I think you need to have another chat with him to see if you both actually want the same thing. It sounds a bit like he's stringing you along, maybe cause he doesn't want to be the one to actually end things?

He is being quite unfair, saying that he still wants to be boyfriend/girlfriend, but he actions don't back up his words.

IPityThePontipines · 09/03/2020 15:47

It seems he's trying to break up with you, but is too gutless to say so. Get rid.

Lostlittlesoull · 09/03/2020 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatifitallgoesright · 09/03/2020 15:55

I agree, I think he's pulling away gradually to try and lessen the impact of splitting up and/or he wants you to be the one who does it so he hasn't got any of the guilt.

Ninkanink · 09/03/2020 15:58

Yeah or he’s got interest in another woman but doesn’t want to feel as if he’s actually cheating, so he’s trying to maintain some kind of limbo.

Personally I’d cut my losses if I were you - if he’s not 100% committed to your relationship then there’s hardly any point.

Ninkanink · 09/03/2020 16:00

Flowers I know this is really tough. But honestly, he’s telling you he’s not that bothered about being with you. That’s never a good place to be.

Aloe6 · 09/03/2020 16:03

Why can’t you still stay over? That along with the emotional coldness makes me think he’s already seeing other people. He’s keeping you hanging on until he finds what he sees to be a better offer. Save yourself the indignity and end it with him first.

Artandlove · 09/03/2020 16:03

You mentioned staying over 3 or 4 nights a week before - I think this is where the problem could be. That is a lot if you’ve not agreed to live together.

FlowerArranger · 09/03/2020 16:04

He is stringing you along because he doesn't want to be the mean guy who breaks up with you. Stop going round to his place. I bet he will not make any effort to meet up with you elsewhere. Sorry Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 09/03/2020 16:09

He's trying to get you to end it so he won't be the bad guy. I also think he is seeing/thinking about seeing other women, if not shagging other women already. I know it's hard, but you need to take the blinders off. This relationship has run it's course..

keepingbees · 09/03/2020 16:10

It doesn't really make sense. He wants you as an exclusive girlfriend but doesn't want you staying over or being intimate. You both want to carry on where you left off, but also take it slow and act like you're newly together.
Sorry but alarm bells would be ringing.

GinAndNightnurse · 09/03/2020 16:39

Honestly, it sounds to me as though he’s lost interest in you sexually and doesn’t see the relationship lasting but he’s too worried about hurting you or you reacting badly to just end it properly. I think He’s dragging it out until you give up and end it yourself.

It seems odd that he’s suddenly always busy at weekends. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has met someone else.

Driftershq · 09/03/2020 17:06

@Lostlittlesoull in the same boat together then. Sending 💐 to you too!

He has always been busy on weekends anyway woth time consuming hobbies so always felt second best to his precious cricket and football. He doesnt want me staying over because it tended to be on a night in bed together that we fell out and had arguments the most. As thats the part of the day i would end up going on about my over thinking, emotions etc and ofteb after a full day together thinks just built up that niggled at us.
I hope he does still find me attractive, ive got no cofidence in my looks as it is but work hard to maintain my weight/lose weight. It is him thats put weight on since the start of the relationship.
Maybe it is time to call it a day, i just think of my life without him and im so miserable. When were together we're great, i just wish things could go back to that first year in the homeymoon period!!

OP posts:
Dozer · 09/03/2020 17:08

Not that into you.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/03/2020 17:12

"...i just wish things could go back to that first year in the homeymoon period!!

That ship has sailed. Stop wasting your youth on him.

LettyFisher · 09/03/2020 17:23

I agree - walk away - he's pulled right away from you, and you're clinging on to him. This isn't working for you and you deserve more.

It'll be easier on you than this slow death that he's putting you through.

AgentJohnson · 09/03/2020 17:38

So you had a long and meaningful chat but he’s kept things vague and you’ve neglected to be clear about your expectations.

I understand why you went on a break but apart from ‘I luuurve him’, it’s not clear why you’ve got back together. Familiarity can’t be the overwhelming reason for getting back together.

You are either content with the accepting the limited space he’s willing to afford you in his life or, you have more self respect for won’t.

PawPawNoodle · 09/03/2020 17:43

He doesnt want me staying over because it tended to be on a night in bed together that we fell out and had arguments the most. As thats the part of the day i would end up going on about my over thinking, emotions etc and ofteb after a full day together thinks just built up that niggled at us

I don't really blame him not wanting you to stay over if come bedtime you would argue with him or otherwise mentally offload onto him. What have you done to work on this and have you told him what you've done from your end to make the situation better?

Asmuchuseas · 09/03/2020 17:48

It sounds like you need to sit down and talk to him. He does sounds like he's being distant and not wanting to try to make things go back as they were. Explain what you've said here to him and see what he replies.

HollowTalk · 09/03/2020 17:53

Stop thinking about what he wants as he's giving you mixed messages and you'll drive yourself nuts.

Think about what you want: it certainly isn't this.

Driftershq · 09/03/2020 17:58

@PolPotNoodle yes i am seeing a therapost for all my mh and issues. I have anxiety, low self esteem and constantly worry im not good enough. Theres a lot of other things going on in my life which contributes to this too. He knows i need reassurance amd i often worry. That has been the same since the beginning.

Like i say i am getting help and seeing a councillor about it all. He knows this too.

OP posts:
Lostlittlesoull · 09/03/2020 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Qwerty543 · 09/03/2020 18:20

It's only been 18 months. This should still be the honeymoon period. It sounds like you have a fair few MH issues that he may be struggling with when this is supposed to be a great part of a relationship.

PawPawNoodle · 09/03/2020 23:14

@Driftershq good, I'm glad you're getting help with this. It might be worth seeing whether he would like to be more involved with your recovery, a lot of the time when you're in the situation you're in a partner doesn't understand how to be most useful. It's also unfair to expect a partner to constantly reassure you as this is something that you need to learn to do yourself (I know this is easier said than done, I've been there).

If he isn't willing then sadly it means he isn't equipped to support you and you aren't right for each other.

skinnymarshmallow · 09/03/2020 23:18

He's no longer interested. Walk away

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