I dont want to drift apart, i love him

[Driftershq]

Really confused with where my relationship is at, at the minute and It is hard to talk to boyfriend about it.

Been together 1.5 years, both late 20's and recently hit a rocky patch due to several reasons but a long story.

About 5/6 weeks ago we decided we needed a break from each other. It was really hard and I did nothing but cry. For 1 week we had no contact and I realizedhow much i missed him. 2nd week of the break we started to message more and at times began to feel like old times again with jokey messages and generalchit chat. After a 2 week break we met up, talked things through and said how we both love each other and we both want to make it work. We had both done things wrong in the relationshipbut agreed to put these behind us after talking it all through.

We said we would take things slow and see how it all pans out, i just didn't realise how slow thingswere going to be when i agreed to taking it slow. Since getting back together over the course of the last 3/4 weeks i have seen him 5 times and most of these have just been going roundfor tea after work as he is often busy at weekends. We did have a nice day day on a saturday though which was lovely and just like old times. We are getting on well and both making the effort, it shows just how good we are together when we make time for each other and are honest and open.

My main issue is that he has said we are 'taking things slow' which to him means no staying over at his place like i used to do. He can't stay at mine due to not living on my own.I use to stay around 3/4 nights a week at his before. It is hard going round after work or after hobbies for some food and a quick hour together then having to leave to go home at 9pm. Due to this and the taking thingsslow bit we haven't been intimate together for 6 weeks. It's not just the sex that I miss, but general cuddles, bear hugs, cheeky bum slaps, skin to skin contact, kisses other than a peck on the lips. He use to sit in his boxers and watch tv cuddled up to me because he gets too hot but instead now just sits and watches tv next to me fully clothed. I feel like becauseof this we are driftingapart and will end up as just really good friends in nothing changes soon. Its taking 1 step forward but 2 steps back.

We've agreed that we are still boyfriend/girlfriend, together as a couple, exclusive and are still counting the fact we've been together 18months. We agreed that we weren't starting from the beginning, casually dating or counting again from month one. It just makesme so confused! Even when we first started dating and had just met he asked me to stay over at his on date 3 (about 2/3 weeks in). Which back then I politely declined as i thought it was too soon, i'd only just met him. But now i'd do anything to fall asleep in his arms again or just have some physical intimacy.

I don't really know what i'm posting for, just needed to get it off my chest as i've tried talking to him about it and he doesn't agree. Will this make us drift apart? Surely its the closeness that makes you a couple. I don't want to be just great friends!

The bottom line is that if you are not happy with the little time he can offer you, you should count your loses and move on as the more you put into saving this relationship, the more determined he will get to keep you at arms’ length.

Besides, how is he supposed to get to know what he will be loosing if you are still pretty much at his beck and call as a friend?

Frankly, if taking things slowly means he only sees you when he is not busy out with his friends, I would send him packing, he is just bidding his time and enjoying your company while he finds someone else.

OP apologies, I missed your last message. It seems to me you really need to sort your relationship with yourself before trying to have one with someone else.

If you don’t love yourself, a relationship is a painful business as you question everything, doubt everything and need to be reassured all the time. This puts a terrible strain on the other person who needs to be making up constantly for your lack of self esteem.

Be nic to both of you, take a step back, try to sort your issues and try again when you can manage this relationship on a level ground.

Have you come across attachment theory? It talks about different needs we have from our partners depending on how we bonded as children, and for me at least was a real lightbulb moment in how I understood what was going on in my relationships.

I mention it because it sounds like he’s genuinely not giving you what you need right now, and instead of support you’re getting extra anxiety. Might be worth having a google and seeing if you recognise yourself and your situation

I have anxiety, low self esteem and constantly worry im not good enough.

But staying with him is not helping you with all your issues! In fact it is making them worse. You absolutely need to detach and focus on your own recovery.

It's good that you are in therapy. I would also suggest you read Women Who Love Too Much. It will open your eyes.

He doesnt want me staying over because it tended to be on a night in bed together that we fell out and had arguments the most. As thats the part of the day i would end up going on about my over thinking, emotions etc and ofteb after a full day together thinks just built up that niggled at us.

I have anxiety, low self esteem and constantly worry im not good enough. Theres a lot of other things going on in my life which contributes to this too. He knows i need reassurance amd i often worry. That has been the same since the beginning.

While none of that iS necessarily your fault, it must be very draining to live with. Now you’ve said that I’m even more sure than I was in the beginning that he wants out of this relationship but is trying to let you down gently and slowly because he’s frightened that you will have a complete meltdown over it and he can’t take the guilt or the stress. He’s trying to keep you at arms length and see you less and less to wean you off him and help you get gradually used to the idea that things have changed. The problem is that when someone is obsessed with clinging on at all costs, this can be counter-productive and makes them cling on even harder.

Do a really brave thing. End it yourself, calmly and cleanly. Explain that this current ‘thing’ is not enough for you, it’s not making you happy and if things can’t be how they were then it’s better to have a clean break.

I think you might find that he is only to happy to agree with you. Sorry.

I stopped reading after the ‘we decided we needed a break from each other’

You’re relationship isn’t working, either from one side or both. As much as you may love him you can’t force him to feel the way you do.

Why are you going to his all the time? You are anxiously attached to him and he’s not interested. It shouldn’t be this hard. Just stop going over. Stop for 2 weeks and see what he does in that time. Let him message you. See what effort he puts in.