Confront or leave?

[famousforwrongreason]

Really childish, I’m in the process of planning split from my bf, he’s apparently lied to me loads and I keep believing his defences . I am never able to prove that he’s lied and we go over and over the same ground.
We haven’t split yet because I don’t know how/what to say that doesn’t result in hours of pointless arguing as has happened before.

This time a friend has innocuously sent me irrefutable proof that he’s lied, It’s not even a biggie but just a pointless one, he’s presumably done it to ‘protect’ us as it’s a lie based on contact with an ex, and a place they’d been. it’s pretty harmless on the face of it but we’d had a discussion about a place very recently and he said he had no knowledge of this place but my friend has sent me ‘proof’ that he has very recent knowledge of it.
All his lies seem to be rooted in not knowing how to tell me something or ‘i didn’t think it was important’ but it always turns out to be very important, mainly because of the omission in the first place and mainly because it’s linked to contact with exes of which he has several recent exes with whom he’s still in regular contact with.
It’s always about things that have happened and passed and then I get upset and then it’s minimised by him and I feel a fool and I have to let it go...
I have been thinking all weekend of ending things and this kind of gives me the perfect ‘out’ but also feels a bit childish and it isn’t the real reason I’m thinking of splitting but very much linked to it (lying and misleading...)

You don't need to prove anything to your partner and the only reason you need to end your relationship is that you want to end it. You don't owe him anything.

My XH lies all the time. It’s not so much the lie itself but the fact you can’t trust him. He clearly has no respect for you. Dump him - don’t engage in endless debates about why you are wrong, you don’t need to justify yourself

Tell him a completely different reason for splitting up ... one he can't argue with .... if you feel you need a reason to leave (which you don't) eg you have decided from now on to only date men over 6'4"

Hahahahaha! To 6’4”, I’m tiny! Yeah you’re all right, scurrying around for proof and ‘evidence’ feels a bit beneath me really . My friend means well and it was very fortuitous, a bit of a eureka! moment bit also feels a bit disingenuous and doesn’t sit comfortably with me. Essentially it’s me playing him at his game. I’m not a natural game player which is I guess what led me to post here for advice before actually acting on it!

How long have you been together?
Anything joint?
Do you live together?
If not then this is very easy - 1 text...
'I don't trust you. You are a liar. I don't love you. This is over!'
Then block, ignore and delete.
Job done!

you don't need to play the game. It's his game. He's good at it.

You can just end it because you don't trust him to tell you the truth.

Clearly he doesn't. This sounds like it's the straw that breaks the camels back.

You sound like you feel you have to give him a reason he'll agree to. Actually you don't.

Nothing joint, two years. Do time together, both independently solvent although he was starting to talk about marriage and amalgamation and I was hugely in lovely with him, absolutely bowled over and kept letting him rationalise the red flags but they’ve been nagging away and it’s really affected my life and health, more recently the red flags have been coming in thick and fast, it started off as very occasional one off and explainable moments of cuntery and then became slightly more frequent but in the last two weeks or so it’s escalated massively , all things I’d have run a mile from had I known about them two years ago!

He doesn't have to agree to split. Just tell him it no longer works for you and it's finished.

@sleepingpup yes that’s exactly it. I do feel like I have to give him a reason he’ll agree with otherwise he’ll end up minimising it and convincing me again that I’m wrong and misunderstood him. I’ve had a hell of a lot to contend with lately and I think I must be coming out the other side and finally seeing the behaviour with clarity instead of through my lens of vulnerability, loneliness , lust and needing an escape from real life.

I don't trust you, and no longer want to be with you. Take care. Buuut I'm autistic and some people have previously described me as terse.

Ha @hiddenmnetter at least there’s no misunderstandings with your approach

I don't trust you, and no longer want to be with you. Take care. Buuut I'm autistic and some people have previously described me as terse.

I think this is perfect. There's nothing like regretting a vitriolic goodbye message then getting into a back and forth because then they just call you mental and hysterical.

I'd just add something at the end so you have a record that you've asked for no contact and he is aware it really is over... so I'd say:

"I don't trust you, so i no longer want to be with you. I won't be discussing this further at all as I've made my decision, know it is the right thing and need you to respect it. Please do not message me again. It is easier for us to have a clean break so I'm going to block your number to ensure we can both move on. Take care."

in my experience even when you have a very good reason eg. cheating, abuse etc that some people will still never accept it and will seek to find other reasons or deny that your reason is valid so sometimes it’s best just to end it; provide the true explanation once and after that not engage in any further conversation about it. I left my ex due to abusive behaviour and even years later he’s convinced I’d met someone new which I hadn’t and I wasted a lot of time trying to convince him that I hadn’t and the real reasons I’d left. I wish I’d just told him once and then essentially kept my own peace by not engaging after that

Convincing you that you are wrong and minimising what he has done is gas lighting you OP.

It is a classic situation.

This is about believing in yourself and what you know inside.

And that it doesn't need his approval.

I've been through something similar OP and I know how hard it is.

Keep trying to see it from the outside looking in. Not from where you are - on the inside.

agree with others.

you don't need a reason that he's happy with (there probably isn't one).

you don't even need a reason at all.

but you have a good one - there are regular difficulties in your relationship, and they're caused by his behaviour.

that's more than enough.

Thank you guys. It’s not the first time we’ve split because of my doubts but it’s always come down to me being the one with the problem, funny enough he even talks about gaslighting when minimising the stuff, saying ‘I don’t want to say x, y and z because that sounds like I’m gaslighting you’ , hiding in plain sight maybe?
I feel bad if I do it by message, I have done both message and face to face with him in the past, neither were particularly fun but I’ve kept him at arms length a bit lately, I think seeing him will probably make it harder as I’m stil very much attracted to him and miss him, mainly just for his physical presence now but also for the intimacy and closeness, which he has kind of killed by revealing too much whilst simultaneously hiding vital stuff too!

Thanks for the flowers @sleepingpup

explainable moments of cuntery - the long awaited new album by Pink Floyd

ThisSistine message is pretty much perfect. Don't give him an opportunity to try to talk you round or convince you you're "over-reacting".

He's a lying twat and has a very different relationship with "truth" than you do.

explainable moments of cuntery - the long awaited new album by Pink Floyd
Haha! Love it! Thank you!
I am soooooo nervous! It’s absolutely ridiculous, part of me still wants to show him the evidence but i know it’s futile and will probably add to the list of mad things I’ve done and said as it’s not really evidence of anything worse than out and out lying but about something quite unimportant.
He says he has to lie/ withhold stuff because of my being mental . I say I wouldn’t be ‘mental’ eg suspicious and mistrusting if he didn’t keep lying, misleading, withholding and omitting.
It also would be less of a headfuck if every single one of these incidents wasn’t related to sex / exes / fuckbuddies ‘Encounters’ etc

Urgh. Bolding fail. I should have copyrighted the pink floyd album, it’ll be everywhere this time next week and I won’t make a penny.

I didn’t bother confronting with the lie, just ended it. He had a go at Persuading me otherwise but I am resolute this time. Adios amigo

well done you. 😁⭐️🙌

Onwards and upwards now ! @famousforwrongreason

Awww thank you @sleepingpup I keep getting a bit emotional but I’m also happy and proud but also very sad and probably sad about the myth of our relationship!
I keep thinking we’ll he wanted to be with me all the time, was much more into seeing me than I was him, at first it was equal but after each sight I pulled back, imperceptibly at first but then more and more which I think made him a bit panicky and maybe careless, I don’t know but a big part of me is relieved too.
And knackered. Wiped out and slightly rambling.
I just can’t believe it’s finally over, it’s been so intense and absorbing! Will take a while to process methinks.