Yesterday I asked to use my boyfriend's laptop - we have been together for about 10 months and things have been fantastic. He treats me really well and is very loving. We don't live together but were planning it in the next few months.
He was really cagey about me using his laptop and I just got a feeling. I asked him if there was something on there he didn't want me to see, he insisted there wasn't. It escalated into a bit of a row, I suggested I should go home as I felt he wasn't being honest. I went downstairs and he deleted his browsing history.
When I came back upstairs I was very calm and explained that I needed honesty. He was quiet for about five minutes and was getting visibly upset, saying he'd never told anyone, he was so ashamed, he started crying. After a while he told me that he's had a problem in the past with live cam sites, he spent quite a bit of money and a few years ago went to counselling about it. He stopped using them but began again, to a lesser extent, a couple of years ago. He's been using them while we've been together. I asked him to show me and he grudgingly logged in. It was pretty much what you'd expect, he showed me his inbox and he didn't reply to PMs, he said he would just chat as he used it.
He said that he would talk to them about all sorts, of course I know it was sexual but he wouldn't come out and say that. I tried to stay calm as he was visibly very upset but I explained that to me this is crossing a huge line and I consider it cheating. He seemed genuinely shocked that I saw it that way.
Here's where I'm up to. I'm furious, sad, I never expected him to let me down like this. I also recognise that he told me in the end, he didn't need to as he'd deleted the history (he said he did this in a panic). He tells me he didn't think about what he was doing, it's a habit, he feels like an absolute twat etc. He tells me he is calling the counsellor today to get booked in.
What do I do? I can't talk to anyone about this and I'm so confused. A huge part of me feels like I know he's a good guy, he's been an absolute moron, he sees that, I want to just move on. Another part of me (coming from a history of abuse and real full on cheating) is screaming "run" because my history tells me that bad things always happen. I'm trying not to react to that voice.
I guess I just need some consensus and sense talk around this - right now I'm full of emotion and so so confused. I wanted to live with this man, he's someone I saw a real future with.