Future MIL & upcoming wedding -- Advice?

[Sushiroller]

We are getting married and FIL is terminally ill. We very much want him to attend so are looking at saturdays across a TWO month period this year
Everyone has been asked to tell us dates they cant do.

MIL has been stressing out/upsetting my fiance in verious ways recently (eg shouting/telling off poorly fil) but the latest is by asking us to move our wedding dates to suit BIL...?!

It alllll blew up tonight and i am so upset i cant sleep.
She wants us to push it out to next year (Fil is V unlikely to be with us then ). First her argument was flight cost (we offered to pay), then it was a 3 day trip was "hard and unfair on bil" (i do this for work 4 x per quarter its fine) then it was he doesnt know his schedule/ term dates (he still won't know this even if we move the date), then it was he has a lot of life changes and its unsettling for BIL.
Fiance basically just called her out and said she needed to think about her (other) son for a change. He is normally very easy going but was livid about this.
All parties left the call upset including me.

backstory: she is generally a nice lady but being very honest, has some form for drama/jealousy as well as favoring BIL which irritates me! (e.g. she has various bil/mil only selfies as her phone screen saver, fb profile and whats app profile pic!)

My fiance is really struggling with his fathers illness, alongside a new job and the wedding.

I just dont understand why she is doing this?
I just want us all to have a nice time and cherish the time together while we can.
Help!

Who will be caring for FIL during your wedding? Seems like your BIL might be helping her (or has agreed to help her) which is why she might be insisting.

I would be putting her on a severe information diet, and letting your DP deal with his brother directly.

Usually I'd say not your mum not your problem but with your FiL dying it might be kind to take some of this off your DP's plate. So you just keep everything short and sweet, act as though each announcement is exciting and cut her off if she gets aggy about it. Eg...

You: we're so excited, weve finally settled on a date for the wedding, it's X, we can't wait

Her: wahhh BIL wahhh wahhh

You: oh, i expect he'll let us know if it's a problem. We're so looking forward to having everyone together etc etc wedding joy

Her: wahhhh im a miserable cow wahhh

You: huh, ok, i have to go clean the toilets now MiL, lovelytochatspeaksoonbye hang up phone pour gin call maid of honour bitch about it

Its your wedding. She can have feelings about it, but you get to ignore them, all the time.

Seems like your BIL might be helping her

I would love if this were true but it absolutely is not/will not be the case. I have however, started researching private helper/male nurses for FIL. He is quite proud so i am looking for someone who doesnt seem like a nurse!

I am just at my wits end with it.
She cried at our engagement dinner (by cry i mean openly sobbing... throughout main and dessert. Everyone spent their time comforting her ans it was frankly miserable)

Is the 3 day trip and flight because BIL lives away or because you're planning a wedding away?

Normally I'm in the 'your wedding/your choice' camp but if FIL is terminal and you really want him involved then I think you need to revisit plans that work to achieve that - over anything else. If you planned to be married elsewhere (hence 3 day trip) you might need to rethink to a local wedding. Maybe a blessing in the original place at a later date?

This isn't about MIL as much as about your DP and his father but it might also be easier for others

Your future mil is prioritising her one son over both her other son and her terminally ill husband. Have a lovely wedding and stick to your plans. I hope your fil will be well enough to be there.

Don’t be too hard on your mil. It is absolutely exhausting to be caring for a terminally ill partner.

DarkMutterings
Good point. I presumed the BIL lives away and could not understand why he would not want to come to the wedding to spend time with his df before it is to late.

@DarkMutterings
sorry wasnt clear - we are in uk. All aspects of wedding are being selected with disability access/ease for FIL/convenience of people generally in mind.

BIL is abroad and so would fly friday for saturday wedding and depart sunday.

We spoke to BIL yesterday...
He is fine about coming but said if he came for the wedding he wouldnt bother coming home for christmas?!!? Which will likely be his fathers last if he makes it that long.
He also doesnt want to stay longer than needed as it will use up his holiday 🤷‍♀️

It is mind blowing to me - My family just arent like this.

Your first mistake was in 'asking everyone' to look at a two month window of dates! That's crazy! You were never, ever, going to get a date that 'everyone' could attend!!

In these circumstances, given that you are thinking about your terminal FIL, quite literally the ONLY person who's opinion matters (other than you and your fiancé)) is his! Nobody else needed to have any say WHATSOEVER in your date decision.

It's not too late though, just check with him and book it. Send out your invitations and leave everyone to either accept it or decline.

That's IT!

Accept no more interference from your outrageously CF MIL and cut off any discussions with a calm 'it's booked now, there's nothing to discuss'.

Your BIL is being as manipulative as your MIL. Leave them to make their own choices...this is not something to get upset about. They are grown adults behaving like children. Let them! 🤷‍♀️

My dad is terminally Ill so we are trying to get as much visiting in whilst he's alive. I do know you FiL's prognosis but time is of the essence to my family. The priority is your DFiL, not your DBiL.

Another thing: my Mum hasn't fully accepted my Dad's prognosis, has your DMiL? It sounds like she prefers one son over the other (because he lives abroad?) and is prioritising his needs over her husband's. Her husband doesn't have the luxury of time. I think she needs to know this.

What the previous poster here wrote.

I am sorry to read about your fiances dad.

Your family are not like this but your fiances family are I.e dysfunctional.

Your future MIL here is not a nice person at all, would you describe someone who cried openly at your engagement dinner as being nice?. She has form already for this and you will see more bad and otherwise attention seeking behaviour from here. She wanted attention and her behaviour at that dinner was done deliberately in order to get that from others. Anything that focuses the attention onto others is not acceptable in her eyes, all the focus in her eyes should be on her, it’s all about her.

What is your fiancés relationship like with his parents, particularly his mother, these days?.

The only thing you and your husband can do going forward is to have firmly applied boundaries and do precisely what you wish with regards to your wedding. She has already tried to interfere and make this all about her and now you both need to present an absolute united front to her.

I.e Haveatem. His family of origin are really bad news here. I have seen all too similar behaviour from others like this and relations do further deteriorate. It’s not your fault they are dysfunctional and you did not make them that way.

How strong too is your fiancé in the face of these people, can he stand up for himself and in turn you here?

Ultimately you will probably have nothing to do with either MIL or BIL going forward.

I think your last update explains a lot. She'd rather the BIL was there for the last Christmas then the wedding. Is it possible she's just scared?

Set a date that suits you, do and fil. Everyone else will just nerd to suck it up and come. If they don't then fuck them. It's their loss.

It sounds like BIL will never be pleased so I'd take him out the equation altogether.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow - god that was an extremely callous post.

MIL's husband is dying, she must be absolutely floundering. Not only is she living with the fear and sadness that she's losing her life partner and facing old age alone, it's the knowledge that he's probably going to face a lot of suffering and indignity before he dies.

OP - My guess is she'd prefer you to postpone the wedding til after FIL dies because she's worried that he won't last that long, will be too ill to attend or enjoy it. Having cared for terminally ill parents I know what nasty surprises two months can throw up.

Sorry to hear that teabunny we are in the same boat it seems. it's all really hard but you have to try and make the best of it.

Weirdly it didn't occur to me how utterly odd it is for bil to say he wont come home for Christmas until i made this thread.

Fiance finds his mum a bit demanding i think.
He doesnt go back as much as i would... i dont push him to visit anymore but do tend to go with him as he finds it hard to go alone.
I am the driver of a lot of the nice things he does. Ie we get her flowers/nice gifts for birthdays xmas/we cook when we visit.

I dont get it and i just want her to see sense and stop making a bad situation worse....

I also a bit selfishly do not want a miserable wedding day!!!

My guess is she'd prefer you to postpone the wedding til after FIL dies

Interesting - This is something i hadn't considered and assumed she would want him there too.

I may gently float this with DP, i think he needs a candid chat with them but i know he wants his father there.

In terms of it being hard for her: I agree ans understand she is scared for the future and i am sympathetic to it but my DP is so upset and honestly but i dont see how alientating her son and dil is going to help.

I have however, started researching private helper/male nurses for FIL. He is quite proud so i am looking for someone who doesnt seem like a nurse!

Have your PILs asked you to do this?

"I am the driver of a lot of the nice things he does. Ie we get her flowers/nice gifts for birthdays xmas/we cook when we visit".

Why?. Stop doing this, its his parents and even worse its not likely to be appreciated. And if you have been doing all this why hasn't her son here made the effort?. I know you want to be nice and all that but it just makes you look further weak and a doormat, its not your job just by dint of fact that you are female. Where are your boundaries at here, they need urgent raising upwards.

Given his mother's behaviours too I am not at all surprised he does not go back all that often. He put distance between they and he deliberately.

His mother made your engagement dinner all about her and now she is behaving badly when it comes to your wedding too. All she cares about is her own self here and her wants.

I'd call your BILs bluff and do what works for you.

@BoucleEponine
no, but i would like to have one on standby depending on how he is.
they are particular about what they spend their own money on

Eg. £250 jumper 👍
£5,000 painting 👍
£3 cab ride - wasteful madness
£3 cab ride that someone else pays for 👍

so while they would not pay for it themselves I'm confident they will accept if we foot the bill (which i am happy to do)

Why would you foot their bill?. Do not do this, this just invites them to further take advantage. Why are you feeling so obligated?. They also seem to have other priorities; image is indeed all important to such people.

I would try to properly establish your future FILs current state of health.

Just set a date, inform them, if they say anything difficult just tell them sympathetically too bad and to let you know if they can't make it so you can adjust tge numbers. Rinse and repeat. This way you make it their problem to attend or not.

no, but i would like to have one on standby depending on how he is

Then you are really over stepping the mark. This is a mature couple capable of making their own decisions and arrangements. You have described FIL as "proud" yet here you are looking for a man to (presumably) help him with toileting at a social function.

What kind/size of wedding are you planning?

As horrid as this sounds I think she'd prefer the wedding until after your fil has died. That will then give her the perfect reason to make your wedding all about her and her grief. Plus she gets bil home for Christmas too. Win win in her eyes.

Sort the date out with your df and fil. Stop giving her any information. Also speak to friends who will be able to usher her out of the ceremony or celebrations at the wedding so she can't sabotage it and you can have a lovely day.