Future MIL & upcoming wedding -- Advice?

[Sushiroller]

We are getting married and FIL is terminally ill. We very much want him to attend so are looking at saturdays across a TWO month period this year
Everyone has been asked to tell us dates they cant do.

MIL has been stressing out/upsetting my fiance in verious ways recently (eg shouting/telling off poorly fil) but the latest is by asking us to move our wedding dates to suit BIL...?!

It alllll blew up tonight and i am so upset i cant sleep.
She wants us to push it out to next year (Fil is V unlikely to be with us then ). First her argument was flight cost (we offered to pay), then it was a 3 day trip was "hard and unfair on bil" (i do this for work 4 x per quarter its fine) then it was he doesnt know his schedule/ term dates (he still won't know this even if we move the date), then it was he has a lot of life changes and its unsettling for BIL.
Fiance basically just called her out and said she needed to think about her (other) son for a change. He is normally very easy going but was livid about this.
All parties left the call upset including me.

backstory: she is generally a nice lady but being very honest, has some form for drama/jealousy as well as favoring BIL which irritates me! (e.g. she has various bil/mil only selfies as her phone screen saver, fb profile and whats app profile pic!)

My fiance is really struggling with his fathers illness, alongside a new job and the wedding.

I just dont understand why she is doing this?
I just want us all to have a nice time and cherish the time together while we can.
Help!

OP ..hi ! With FIL s diagnosis being as it is and the fact of how much you want him at your wedding understandably then why not just get married here? Have a short registar office ceremony with just your immediate families and do something afterwards like a meal or something just so you can all be together then maybe next year or so have a renewal and have that as the wedding you want and dreamed of? Do you get where I am coming from? A huge compromise but one that may be worth it especially for your dear Father in law...might be worth thinking about ..or not just an idea ...

@ Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe They are getting married here. BIL is abroad!!! They are trying to suit FIL.

ahhh sorry must have misread thread

Fil attended our wedding. All good.
Mil wasn't invited. Also all good.
Book your wedding to suit your fil. Mil can go see bil if he needs consoling that he can't make it....

Set a date that suits you, tell them and if they can't make it, "Oh, what a shame! We'll get you a slice of cake and some photos." She'll be there, guaranteed. If BIL isn't, that's on him and says a lot about how he sees his brother.

Make sure FIL has a private room he can go to for pain relief and rest. Make sure MIL can't take it over and block him out of it.

Appoint a good friend as MIL wrangler. Phrases to practice: "Oh dear, you seem to be getting upset (again). Let's go for a walk so you can recover yourself." "Do you need some time alone to calm down? I'm sure you don't want to ruin Sushi and Mr Sushi's wedding day with tears." "Yes, it's awful, isn't it? Here's a tissue. Let's pop out and fix your makeup so you look your best for the photos."

Ensure that the DJ knows not to let her anywhere near a microphone. No speeches thank you MIL!

She'll write her own version of events (a bit like posters on MN who don't RTFT) so do what makes you and your fiancé happy. People will buy into her version, or not, no matter what you do.

I wonder if there’s a backstory to Fil that the OP’s DP has chosen to ignore because he’s dying. Perhaps bil and mil have a better measure of him

I know you and your DF want your FIL to come to the wedding but I can understand why you MIL Is finding it all a bit much to deal with. Do you know for sure that your
FIL really wants to attend the wedding?

I agree that you should pick a date that suits you, your DP and your FIL. It's then up to BIL to come or not come, but don't allow him to affect your decision. I do hope your MIL manages to behave herself at the wedding and doesn't make it all about herself.

You sound as though you're going to a lot of trouble to consider your FIL OP, which is commendable. As a precaution, if you haven't already done so, I'd consider taking out wedding insurance just in case FIL's condition deteriorates suddenly and things have to get postponed/cancelled.

Not much to add as far as advice goes that somebody else hasn't already said. But thanks to @ThatLibraryMiss I've just recognised myself as the unofficial Stepmother wrangler at my friend's wedding last year, I wondered why I'd been sat at the table with her sister and the Stepmother rather than with our other friends, it all becomes clear now .. Badger's DH can't make it = she'll be alone with her young DS = she'll remain sober enough to be diplomatic!

Well Fil hasnt been ambiguous he def wants to come. He has been talking about me "becoming his daughter" since 2017!!! And has told us "have it whenever you like but id love to be there obviously..."

Insurance is also a no. 1 priority

@GrumpyHoonMain i dont know what you mean???

So is general consensus is we press on and ignore it rather than try and discuss it?

Yes OP, time to press on, set a date that suits you as a couple and your FIL. With any luck your mil won't be able to make it... if she can make it, make sure you've got a MIL wrangler on hand for the day.

Good luck. It sounds like your mil is going to be a handful.

Press on!

Could you have a wedding that doesn't involve a flight/stay? I know it's not what you planned but it would mean it's easier for everyone to go. You might make the trip regularly but other people don't, and some people find a trip/stay harder work than others.

Insurance is also a no. 1 priority

If you need to cancel because your FIL's condition deteriorates or he dies, they won't pay out as you knew about his terminal diagnosis when you took out the policy.

‘ So is general consensus is we press on and ignore it rather than try and discuss it?’

Yes, of course. Take leadership of the situation. Asking for everyone to chip in with what dates work is madness whatever the event and scenario, but especially here.

Agree a date with fil. Make sure it doesn’t clash with anything major (like mil bday). Then ^^inform mil, bil and anyone else what the date is. Don’t waiver. Done.

Why aren’t people reading OPs posts? You can even change it in setting so OPs posts are all highlighted, and all on one page,ffs.

I had a chat with my mum about venues and colour schemes and a general gossip with my maid of honor so im less upset now. 😁😁😁
DP has been getting it out on the pitch 😂 so i think overall we are both a bit calmer.

We havent heard a peep from MIL which is unusual but I think we will hold the line on this and see how we get on.

Thanks for the advice everyone! will keep you posted should things unfold but I am hoping for minimal drama

I didnt read your op in the way many others did - to me, it reads like a woman who is trying to cope with her husband dying, while her son and Dil are making it all about their wedding... if she is falling apart at the moment, trying to factor in a wedding (which if you read other threads on MN is often a very big deal for parents) I can imagine she is close to breaking point. The brother, again- it's your wedding, his dad is dying and you are disappointed he isnt more enthusiastic. Maybe just plan what you want and stop trying to get everyone on board, they have bigger stuff to worry about.

As a minor update.
DP heard nothing all week then got some PA messages from his brother re: still not knowing his plans and "have you spoken to mum recently???" type stuff.
He was going to phone her at the weekend anyway to clear the air.

The first 15 mins were "so you do remember you have a mother then?"
Then a one sided competition about who was more upset. A lot of "i was sooooo much more upset than you" after that it migrated to a lot of chat about his brother

Dp was crying at this point
And then she started ranting about how she is losing a son / won't be spoken to like that / isnt allowed an opinion etc etc etc.

So not great...
DP still very upset.

I am supporting him but explained he needs to handle his family not me.

Not sure if this is the right thing to do but 🤷‍♀️

@RoscoePColtrane the brother is so upset about his dad that (in his own words) he "won't bother coming for his father's last christmas christmas" if he has to come to our wedding. His family baffle me sometimes.