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Original poster

Feel like MIL is trying to compete with me!!

28 replies

Thatsmeinthecorner01 · 09/03/2020 04:28

Today made me feel like my partners mother is trying to compete with me. I have always had a good relationship with her, always helped her out etc and been there when she needed it so I’m not a bad person or bitchy to her at all. It’s really upset me because I haven’t done anything to her.

A year ago her husband died and my partner is the only child. So I get that’s her only real family now and I’m not trying to take that away from her whatsoever. Anyway he spends an incredible amount of time with her and helps her a lot but today made I feel like she’s competing with me

This morning I said to my partner once he’s finished what he’s doing I’ll give him a massage on his neck as it’s been playing up. Low and behold when he was with her she decided to rub his neck. (Don’t know if that sounds weird looool)

Later today we were at a family function, we get to the place and she practically barges in front of me to be next to my partner (I thought fine, she’s probably wants to make sure she’s sitting near him then, no issue) we get to the table he says sit next to mum I’ll sit next to you and also my uncle. I tried to make talk with her but it seemed like she just didn’t want to talk much. But I still tried. I would go outside with her too for fresh air and just try to talk. Then when going in she would go in front of me and not even hold the door open for me, Throughout dinner my partner would ask me could you pass me some of the meat or some of the salad etc and I would do that and then she would then say sons name there’s also chicken here have some chicken - I didn’t see the chicken buried under all the bits lol and so she takes him some. The waiter comes to clear some plates so I pass him my plate then she says give him sons name plate (as if he couldn’t give his own plate). When my partner was talking to others on the table she would then get involved with the conversation happily.

She then sat at the table most of night quite miserable. Moaning about the music being too loud, asking when can we go. I think my partner could sense she was not happy hence not wanting to sit next to her. He even said it was getting annoying all she wants to do is go home and go in front of the tv, he was really enjoying himself. When music came on and people were dancing I said let’s go have a dance and he said I can’t mum might get upset seeing me dance because of dad. (I’m thinking come on! We are at a family event everyone is dancing and we can have a little fun! But I said ok that’s fine and when we went outside I held him and said let’s have a little dance which was sweet).

When we were on our way to the place she said we are not going to stay long are we and my partner said we can’t just eat and leave it’s rude! You could just see she didn’t want to go, my partner did force her to come but I’m wishing he didn’t now because it was quite uncomfortable.

On the way home in the car she said to him remind me to tell you something later...and he said no you can tell me now and she did and it wasn’t anything of sensitive nature but a bit of gossip she heard from someone at the place. It was silent for most of the car journey so I thought let me just make some chit chat and I was talking to him then when I am talking she decides to be a canary and butting in and talking to him! I’m thinking hang on you’ve been silent most of this journey and now I’m talking you are and not even about what I’m talking about. We dropped her home, and I let her out of the car and I said see you soon! take care and she just said bye and walked off.

I can’t help but feel she’s got some sort of problem with me? I haven’t done anything wrong? I’m not trying to take her son from her, I have been with him 4 years so it’s not a new relationship. I can’t help but feel if she has a problem with me it’s going to cause an issue within my relationship as my partner may start to feel torn etc and I don’t want to raise this with him. Don’t know what to do.

Sorry this is a long one! Writing it down it doesn’t seem as bad and I feel like deleting it all but you had to be there to see and feel it and I can’t be just imagining this! Has anyone else had a similar situation and what did you do?

OP posts:

Socalm · 09/03/2020 04:37

A year isn't long for grief. She is probably being awful but it could be because she's disoriented and unhappy. My mother was not herself at all after my father died. Maybe give her another year or two.

Thinkingaboutsummer2020 · 09/03/2020 04:46

Is this the 1st family function she’s been to without his Dad? Sounds like she was having a hard time being on her ‘own’ there.

BillHadersNewWife · 09/03/2020 04:57

It sounds like she's very insecure after losing her husband. Just be patient.... she'll get better. None of what you described sounds that bad.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2020 05:06

Is this just one thing or one of many? If it’s just one, I’d say you sound insecure. This is an older lady, who has lost her husband of many years.A year is nothing. Your partner sounds really unkind, actually to insist on not sitting next to her when she needed his support for, what sounds like the first function without him and one, which he very actively encouraged her to go. Unless there is a big back story, I think you’re looking at the wrong person tbh.

Sprigware · 09/03/2020 05:09

I think you’re being petty, tbh. She’s your DP’s mother, she’s fairly recently bereaved, and to be blunt, it’s him she’s interested in, not you. You’re not in any way equivalent to him in her mind. There’s no evidence in what you say that she ‘has a problem with you’, you’re understandably just far less important to her than her only child. That’s not that hard to understand, is it? I’ve been with my DH for almost 30 years, but he’s far les important to my mother than I am, because I’m her daughter.

Stop setting up the whole thing as an either/or competition.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 09/03/2020 05:13

I actually think its really shit of your DH to force his mother to go to a do (presumably the first one without her husband) and then not give her any support or attention the whole time.

AsAnActualWoman · 09/03/2020 05:58

It sounds like you're trying hard to include her. She could have sat between you both and your DP should have given her some attention.

Original poster

Thatsmeinthecorner01 · 09/03/2020 06:43

Like I said my partner spends a lot of time with her. He wanted to sit next to an uncle he hasn’t seen a long time. His mum was next to me and also opposite her sister in law so she wasn’t alone.

Never mind

OP posts:

The4thSandersonSister · 09/03/2020 06:53

Sounds like the beginnings of Surrogate Spouse Syndrome Making a child the stand-in for the Spouse you lost through divorce or death. Apparently very common.

notthemum · 09/03/2020 06:56

Not going into detail on public forum but do understand perfectly. Went through this for years (sorry). If you know how to PM then happy for you to do that. Unable to do it myself technology not my thing. 💐As a bit early for wine.

Albinoni · 09/03/2020 07:01

I don't think she has a problem with you or is trying to compete with you, just that she's still grieving and turning to her only child for support. Maybe she sees her husband in her son, especially if he resembles him in appearance, character, traits etc. Just be patient and kind and give her time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2020 07:12

Its not you, its his mother. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. You have not done anything wrong here and she likely behaved the same pre her bereavement as well. Bereaved people too do not all behave this poorly towards others, particularly those who have shown kindness in the past to them. Some people really do see kindness towards others as a weakness and I think his mother is of that bent. She is not a nice person to be at all around.

It does you no favours not to talk to your partner about his mother, you really need to do this. If you cannot then what does that say about your own relationship with him?.

Where are your boundaries at here with regards to his mother?.
Your partner spends time with his mother anyway and she is behaving very badly here with regards to you. She sees you as both an irritation (HE'S STILL MY BOY!!!) and an irrelevance hence her behaviour in the car. If you became his wife, she would not behave any better towards you either. This is all about her attempts to exert some power and control over her son (again her behaviour in the car, the I know something you do not know mentality which makes her emotionally around the level of a six year old) and in turn you. Surrogate spouse syndrome indeed could be playing out here.

stayingontherail · 09/03/2020 07:13

I also don’t think it is about you either. Sounds like she’s struggling. You get to go home with your dp and she doesn’t. Can you have it in your head, for the time being at least, that when you are with her, your dp is with her rather than you so you don’t feel like it’s a competition - you are making a deliberate choice that she comes first?

00Sassy · 09/03/2020 07:14

This is very unlikely to be about you at all OP.

She has lost her husband, the person who she would have felt very relaxed around and her ‘other half’ as they say.

He wasn’t there, he’s never there anymore and never will be again. He is gone.

A year is still very early days when grieving the loss of someone so close.

Sounds like she struggled with socialising without him (so ‘alone’) at this event.

Give her time and understanding OP, I know it’s very difficult

Longwhiskers14 · 09/03/2020 07:28

If she was like this before her husband's death, you might have a point, but it sounds like she's clinging to your DP because she's struggling with grief. Going to a family event as a widow of only a year must've been so hard – it must have been so bittersweet for her. I'd cut her some slack for now, but keep an eye on her trying to shut you out. Your DP could also be a bit more sensitive – saying his mum was boring because she didn't want to dance and wanted to go home from a function which must've been hard for her to attend isn't being very supportive.

Original poster

Thatsmeinthecorner01 · 09/03/2020 08:20

Thanks all!

@longwhiskers14 he said he couldn’t dance cos he didn’t want to upset his mum because of his dad passing a year ago. Not that she was boring, he was getting a bit annoyed she just kept on wanting to go home. He wanted her to come to get her out the house etc get her socialise. Maybe it was still too early?

But I could sense something yesterday and she hasn’t been like this to me before so not sure what’s up. It’s like she was babying him in front of others.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2020 08:24

I do wonder op if she feels the same about you. And you don’t realise it. That you’re also competing with her for his attention and she’s reacting to it

The bottom line is does it matter? It’s not a competition. When she’s with him let her be with him.

Original poster

Thatsmeinthecorner01 · 09/03/2020 08:40

@bluntness100 it’s not a competition no. And I let her be with him, I don’t interfere. It’s none of that. I treat him the exact way as we are at home as when we are out. I don’t compete for his attention, we were out yesterday but even though I sat next to him I hardly spoke to him but to someone opposite me so it wasn’t like that at all.

It doesn’t matter though you are right but it just wasn’t nice, it made me feel a little uncomfortable as I was trying hard to make a conversation with her and it was like getting blood out of a stone.

OP posts:

saraclara · 09/03/2020 08:48

She probably hated every moment of being somewhere like that for the first time without her DH. It was a long time before I could manage to stay to a whole event when I was in her position. I used to leave everything early. But I had the means to do so. I always took my own car and never relied on others, as I needed to know that I had control over when I left.

She'll also miss having someone to look after/look out for. She would probably normally have fussed over her DH. She's just doing the same but to her son. That's not an ominous sign, though others would have you think so. She's just lost at the moment.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2020 08:50

Honestly op, I’d let her get on with it. She’s clearly struggling. He’s her only son. Give her a pass. You’re annoyed at her, and that’s why you’re posting and I’m sure as much as you tried to hide it, that came over in your interactions. It’s hard to hide that shit.

As said, it doesn’t matter, let her sit next to him if she wants or whatever.

saraclara · 09/03/2020 10:25

I was trying hard to make a conversation with her and it was like getting blood out of a stone

I wish I could enable you to understand how I was feeling when I first had to go to big events after my husband died. I made myself go but I'm pretty sure I was terrible company. I know I went and hid in the toilets several times. I certainly wasn't a social being. I did my best but it wouldn't have been most people's good enough.

Please stop making this about you, and try to understand her anxiety and discomfort. Please, please, give her a break.

Sprigware · 09/03/2020 13:26

Oh, OP, imagine you'd been married to your partner for whatever number of years your partner's mother was with her DH, then imagine he dies, and you venture out to a family occasion for the first time since his death, and try to keep it together for an entire while feeling very, very alone and wobbly. Someone keeps trying to talk to you, follows you out for fresh air (even if it's entirely well-intentioned) seems irritated when you cluck over your son, aren't the life and soul of the party, or join in the conversation on the way home.

Surely it's not that hard to understand? It sounds as if it has very little to do with you, but you seem insistent on making it about you. Give the woman a break, she may well have spent the evening in agony, and have barely noticed who was there/who she was interacting with, other than her son.

Summersunandoranges · 09/03/2020 13:37

Thatsmeinthecorner01 you havnt done anything wrong.

When I met dh his mother was like this. She’d divorced his father two years before. There really was some odd things she said did - like asking dh who had slimmer legs, me or mil (fucking weird) If we got a take away she would go ballistic if we didn’t drop one of at her house.

There are loads of things but I won’t bore you!

So I love bombed her, spoiled her, invited her round all the time, Which tbh actually made her worse. I started to feel like I was a guest in my own house.

At one family gathering she actually sat turned away from me in between me and dh so I could actually talk to either of them unless I bent round her.

Needless to say I ended up going NC with her as she was quite rotten to me. I was married to dh by now and really did not need to indulge a grown women in her insecurities.

It really isn’t about you. Disengage with her.

Dia12 · 09/03/2020 14:00

You haven't done anything wrong OP but neither has you MIL.

Your post comes across really petty and over sensitive. You should feel secure in your relationship with your DH, even if someone else is making you feel like they are competing for his attention. I also don't think the scenario you've described as outrageous as you make out - I know a few older people who behave this way and it feels like they are a little socially disconnected.

I would encourage you to have more confidence in stepping back from getting offended so easily and have more compassion for your MIL.

Beau20 · 09/03/2020 14:01

You sound just like my SIL OP...

This sounds really petty. So what even if she is competing with you? She's the mum you are the partner. Just rise above it and ignore it. Make a problem out of it and you are only causing issues for yourself.

Like I think about my SIL - it's not all about you...

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