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Original poster

How to get back respect?

26 replies

Onalake · 09/03/2020 04:13

OH and I have had a tricky few months, which I have posted about on here before.

Quick synopsis is he started drinking heavily after losing his job, this lead to me closing my business as I couldn't deal with OH and a stressful business too. OH tried to steer us off the road one night when he had been drinking (I was driving, he grabbed the wheel), and on another occasion took off in the car after drinking heavily. I called the police, he was caught, arrested and banned from driving. He behaved horrendously on NYD when we were at a friends.

He is still drinking, but not to excess as he can't drive and we live in the middle of nowhere so is reliant on me getting his drink - the doctor and counselor said he shouldn't just stop, but haven't really been helpful as to what the next stage should be. OH thinks he no longer has a problem, but yesterday he needed to go to town and I dropped him off on my way to work. He was going to get a taxi back. I got back from work and he was slurring. He had bought 8 pint cans of strong lager and drunk 7 of them.

I was surprised at how angry, sad and upset this made me. Despite his protestations that he has things under control, when left to his own devices he evidently hasn't.

I look at him and see a weak man. I have zero respect for him, and was annoyed yesterday as I was working my arse off at a physically demanding job for minimum wage while he was at home getting pissed.

Is it possible to rebuild respect and affection?

Sorry, that was longer than I intended.

OP posts:
LikeSilentRaindrops · 09/03/2020 05:09

In short - I don’t think so, unless the other person works their arse off to earn the respect back, which it doesn’t sound like your OH is. I’m not surprised you feel angry and disappointed; you should, because he has let you both down.

How long have you been together? Why do you want to keep trying?

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/03/2020 05:30

No it’s not possible under these circumstances

HollyBollyBooBoo · 09/03/2020 05:36

He has no respect for you - he tried to steer the car you were in off the road?!!! He could have killed you. I couldn't come back from that bit and would never feel safe with him let alone respect him.

category12 · 09/03/2020 05:38

Maybe if he quit drinking, got a job and turned his life round.

Hard to respect a drunk.

OhNoNoNoNotThatOne · 09/03/2020 05:42

It is possible, but only if he wants to fix things too. He doesn't seem to be in that place to want to earn back your trust, respect or affection and I'm sorry, I don't think he respects you either, otherwise he wouldn't behave as he has.

Could you have a conversation with him about it, or would it go round in circles and nowhere?

redcarbluecar · 09/03/2020 05:45

What is it that makes you think it’s worth the effort? Was he a very different person before he lost his job? I think your paragraph that starts ‘I look at him...’ is particularly telling.

The4thSandersonSister · 09/03/2020 06:31

He's a non-functioning alcoholic who at this point has been medically and psychologically absolved of attempting full sobriety. I really feel for you and all you have lost, put up with and are currently coping with.

Putting it bluntly, due to his sickness he is most likely no longer able to behave in any way that would allow to to rebuild the respect/trust/empathy you one had for him. Perhaps, should he become sober at some point you could be able to build back your respect, but an alcoholic is for life, and his underlying issues will still be there if he becomes sober. You may or may not be there at that point.

I hope things improve, he has you, his GP, and counselling so he has support, but he has to ultimately do the heavy lifting for himself.

calllaaalllaaammma · 09/03/2020 06:41

Actions speak louder than words. When he had the chance he got drunk again, after you’ve been so supportive and forgiving.
I think there’s only so much you can do for someone if they are determined to be self destructive.

FlowerArranger · 09/03/2020 07:06

Don't let him drag you down with him, @Onalake!!

Flowers
sockittome123 · 09/03/2020 07:15

So he tried to kill you, and you're still with him? Can you tell us why, since all you're getting out of this relationship is disrespect and lying?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2020 07:28

Its not possible to regain such in these circumstances.

I have to look at you here too. Why are you still with him?. You are getting something out of this relationship. I remember you from before now and sadly your own codependency is still keeping you there isn't it?. You're still playing out the usual roles associated with such people to perfection; those of enabler, codependent and provoker (because you never forget).

You are only wasting your life with this individual, a man whose primary relationship is with drunk and not you. How many more years are you going to sacrifice on the altar of this man?.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you are fully separated from him.

ANuggetOfTheFinestGreen · 09/03/2020 07:29

What are your plans and wishes for the future? Is your other half going to help you make you them a reality or are you going to spend a lifetime placing your hopes second behind a man who tried to drive off the road with you in the car?

I don't think respect is something that can be rebuilt in your situation, no.

You call him "OH" so I'm assuming you are not married? Likewise I'm assuming no DC (post doesn't mention any) so it should be reasonably easy to disentangle.

I'm all for helping people with problems and I've been through some shit mental health wise with my husband, but I think I would draw the line at him attempting to do something which could seriously hurt or kill me...

daisychain01 · 09/03/2020 07:35

I can't get over the fact you gave up your business because of his drunkenness. And that his drunken action of grabbing the steering wheel nearly killed you. And that it's you trying to figure out how you can regain respect and love when it's him who should be trying to do that, but he just isn't and won't. He isn't going to change.

Can you see that the longer you stay with him, the more he will drag you down, limit your life opportunities and leave you an empty emotional shell, because of his self-centred actions?

FlowerArranger · 09/03/2020 07:42

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
by Melody Beattie

www.goodreads.com/book/show/720298.Codependent_No_More

Please do read this Flowers

Original poster
Onalake · 09/03/2020 12:43

@likesilentraindrops, we have been together coming up for 20 years. I guess I feel guilty to a degree, I lead the way, he follows, and perhaps he wouldn't be how he is if we had stayed in our home town.

@category12, he doesn't think he has a problem anymore as he isn't drinking nearly as much as he did. After the other day it is obvious, to me at least, that he does still have a problem. He is applying for jobs, but because he lost his driving licence, our very remote and isolated location with no public transport and his age, he is finding it difficult.

@ohnonononotthatone, I did tell him how disappointed I was with him buying and drinking all the cans in a short space of time, he said sorry and thinks that is ok. I will have to try to speak with him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onalake · 09/03/2020 12:54

@redcarbluecar, he was apparently drinking increasingly heavily in the year before he lost his job, which he hid from me. Prior to that he liked the odd drink, but nothing too bad, and seldom, if ever, drank at home.

@sockittome123, we have been together a long time, it is the last year or two that have been problematic. I guess I hope we can get back to where we were before all this. Plus the fact that I am in my 50's, live hundreds of miles away from family and have few friends. Most of my family and friends have been lost in the dust cloud left by their hasty retreat when I have spoken to them of this. I have no support. So I stay.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, nail on the head! Still can't seem to extricate myself though.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/03/2020 12:55

Alcoholism isn't something you get over.

Original poster
Onalake · 09/03/2020 13:07

@ANuggetOfTheFinestGreen, I don't know what I want at the moment, although he has said that whatever I want to do, wherever I want to go, he will support me. We were looking at moving to somewhere less isolated, but can't afford it sadly. We have adult children, but none shared, and rent our home so separating would be easy regarding that.

@daisychain01, the business was struggling, but could have been saved had I not had OH to deal with too. I had no fight left and to be honest, despite leaving me up shit creek without a paddle financially, it has been a weight lifted now it's gone. OH loaned me money for the business, so I do feel guilty that that money is gone now with little chance of me paying him back. And I have been dragged down. I am not the person I was, but hopefully I will return.

@flowerarranger, thank you, I will take a look at that book.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onalake · 09/03/2020 13:09

@category12, I am just surprised that he never had a problem until he was in his 60's. I naively thought that alcoholism was triggered when a person started drinking when young. But I do realise that he will always be an alcoholic now, even if he does stop drinking.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 09/03/2020 17:11

OP life has only so many years and once they've gone, they've gone. If you are approximately same age group as your OH then you've given him the lions share of your best years, whyever would you want to waste any more life on him?

Definitely read the codependency book, it may shine a spotlight on this dysfunctional situation and make you see there is more to life than this. You'll look back and wish you'd done it sooner, but there's no time like now.

I hope it works out for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2020 17:17

You are in a codependent and unhealthy relationship with a man who is and will always be emotionally unavailable to you. Staying for what are really flimsy reasons at best is a terrible thing to be doing to yourself, it really is.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mother similarly?. What sort of an example did they show you?.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/03/2020 18:43

the doctor and counselor said he shouldn't just stop*

this is Bollocks... did you hear these professionals tell him he cannot just stop.. 🤔

Jeleste · 09/03/2020 18:44

He is an alcoholic and thats an illness.
I would expect him to take full responsibility though and work on it.
Definitely quit drinking completely.
I think if he agrees he has a problem and really wants to quit himself and takes the right steps, then the respect could return.
But it sounds like he doesnt think he has issues and doesnt want to recover, i couldnt respect him like that at all.

pointythings · 09/03/2020 19:12

I remember your threads.

You really need to get support for yourself - you can attend groups online. I think you know he isn't going to admit he has a problem and he isn't going to change, so you now have to work on changing yourself. You can detach from him with love, find your inner strength and move on. Your other choice is possibly to live another 15-20 years like this. That doesn't have to be your life and you deserve better.

You can't bring back your feelings of respect for him. He does not at present have any inclination to do all the hard work needed to earn back your respect. You have to come to terms with the reality - this is over.

Original poster
Onalake · 09/03/2020 20:04

I will respond to everyone later, but @BumbleBeee69, yes, I was present with both gp and counsellor when they told him not to just stop. He would get horrendous shakes, which can apparently lead to seizures so it isn't recommended that an alcoholic just stops drinking.

OP posts:
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