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Original poster

when does a relationship go from exclusive dating to serious?

44 replies

Wafflesandcreme · 08/03/2020 23:22

Started dating 18 months ago, I’m not sure where we stand on the serious scale?
See each other 3-4 nights a week, holidays and kids all know each other. No living together, no shared assets or finances or plans to do so
I would say he is my BF but it’s not massively serious. Like two up from dating as we are exclusive and kids have met.
Is there a scale? He’s lovely btw, not planning on ending it but in my eyes without any kind commitment it’s not that serious
I also have my reservations so don’t plan on changing it for the foreseeable as not 100% sure if this is really long term. I think he feels the same

OP posts:
12345kbm · 08/03/2020 23:33

Have you asked him where he sees the relationship going and if so, what was his response?

NoMoreDickheads · 08/03/2020 23:46

If you have reservations then you've answered your own question really. Things carry on as they are (or less) until you are reassured and no longer have reservations.

Don't move in with or get engaged/marry him unless and until you're sure.

Or do you mean you might want to start dating other people again?

avamiah · 08/03/2020 23:51

Hi OP ,
It sounds like a serious relationship to me if you don’t mind me saying .
You go on family holidays together?

Original poster
Wafflesandcreme · 08/03/2020 23:54

Not in those words but we talk about the future but to me it’s just talk and we don’t do anything to work towards it. For example Iv just out an offer in on a house for me to buy, a lovely house I’ll be buying by myself, he’s offered (well I told him as currently he stays at mine most of the time as it’s bigger) to let me and kids stay a few nights a week at his whilst I sort my current house out as it’s sold but new house won’t be ready for a few months.
He isn’t one to think about the future, just to see what happen. We book holidays 3-6 months in advance normally.
Basically he mentioned about someone being serious and I said well we’re not that serious and he seemed to take offense to it, I can’t see how he thinks we are when we don’t share are major commitments.
He could move into my house but he comes with two extra children and as it’s a house I’m paying a lot for myself I don’t really want it ruined, my two ruin everything enough but 4 would be a nightmare (would be totally different if we both owned it, I wouldn’t mind so much)
But I don’t want to get financially tired up with a man I have my reservations about

OP posts:
Original poster
Wafflesandcreme · 08/03/2020 23:59

@NoMoreDickheads I definitely don’t want to start dating other people. He’s one of the good ones I guess, I think the world of him, just a few things that bug me that’s stopping me wanting more commitment.
I would say I love him but not sure that even exists otherwise I wouldn’t have my reservations

OP posts:
Original poster
Wafflesandcreme · 09/03/2020 00:00

@avamiah yes we go on family holidays with all the children, usually in two family rooms, him in one and me in another and there’s 6 of us. I also go on family holidays with friends and their children

OP posts:
avamiah · 09/03/2020 00:01

Would you marry him if he asked you ?

Original poster
Wafflesandcreme · 09/03/2020 00:14

Maybe one day but not for a long time, at least 10 years but that’s unfair as Iv just been through a really horrible divorce dragging on for years and only finished a year ago. Plus iv never actually lived with him so I couldn’t say if I know all his habits and him mine.
I’v done the being married, I don’t feel the need to rush and do it again.
Plus because of my reservations, I would feel I’d have to get a prenup at the moment and have always felt that if that’s the case then I shouldn’t be marrying someone.

OP posts:
nex18 · 09/03/2020 00:16

My relationship is probably similar, I’d say we are serious and committed. We have no intention to live together (teens, GCSES, too far apart for it to be practical, would need a small hotel to accommodate our shared offspring), but we’re committed to maintaining our relationship as it currently is for the long term, I don’t have any reservations other than why change something that works so well. And neither of us would get married again!

dodgeballchamp · 09/03/2020 00:19

I would be quite offended if someone I’d been seeing for 18 months said they didn’t think it was serious! And I’m the same as you in many ways, I wouldn’t want to combine finances or marry etc but being emotionally serious doesn’t require those practical commitments imo. Sounds like you’re not emotionally that serious about him (which is fine, but doesn’t sound like he’s on the same page)

Original poster
Wafflesandcreme · 09/03/2020 00:27

That sounds a bit similar to ours. @nex18 do you intend on ever living together? I don’t actually like living alone. Our children are all primary school ages. Schools are 30 mins apart so not that far and we both currently live by each of the schools. My main reservation is the fact he doesn’t want to move because his exw doesn’t want him to as will make things harder for her and he doesn’t want to upset anyone so he’s happy to keep things as they are, I’m happy to not get financially involved with a man who puts his exw’s needs over being more committed. He gets on well with his exw and they are too friendly for my liking so it’s best to leave things as they are (non committed) in my eyes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wafflesandcreme · 09/03/2020 00:29

Last post didn’t sound right, we are committed to each other, just not that serious then?
I’m not sure what it is.
I’d like it to be serious and committed but my reservations on his relation with his exw is stopping that

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 09/03/2020 00:40

Basically he mentioned about someone being serious and I said well we’re not that serious and he seemed to take offense to it

Oh dear! If I'd been seeing someone 18 months and had holidays with their kids etc I think I would see it as serious.

I’d like it to be serious and committed but my reservations on his relation with his exw is stopping that

What's happening with his exw? xx

Original poster
Wafflesandcreme · 09/03/2020 00:45

My main reservation is the fact he doesn’t want to move because his exw doesn’t want him to as will make things harder for her and he doesn’t want to upset anyone so he’s happy to keep things as they are, Id not Want to get financially involved with a man who puts his exw’s needs over being more committed. He gets on well with his exw and they are too friendly for my liking and I don’t like it

OP posts:
dodgeballchamp · 09/03/2020 00:59

Is it really his ex that he’s putting first or is it his children? If she’s the mother of the kids I think it’s pretty fair enough they’re friends, isn’t that better for the kids than parents who hate each other?

Lynda07 · 09/03/2020 01:44

A relationship becomes a commitment when both are ready.

You have children, so does he, they come first. Don't be in such a hurry to move in together, just enjoy it for what it is right now. You still have a degree of freedom which is not to be sneezed at and, as you've said, your divorce was only a year ago. Living together is a whole different ball game, you'd both have to make compromises and it would be terrible if one of you gave up your home and the relationship fell apart, bad for all the children too.

Be cautious and have some fun.

You said: "I also have my reservations so don’t plan on changing it for the foreseeable as not 100% sure if this is really long term. I think he feels the same."

I don't see what the problem is. Many would envy you!

RantyAnty · 09/03/2020 02:16

From what you've said, I don't see any benefit to you to live with him or marry him.

You're just buying a house. One that you picked out and that suits you.
If you lived together or married, you'd have 3 more people to do the drudge work for plus putting up with their habits.

The situation you have now sounds ideal.

Monty27 · 09/03/2020 02:36

Is there actually any romance outside the practicalities OP?
Blimey it all sounds serious to me Confused

Original poster
Wafflesandcreme · 09/03/2020 07:37

@dodgeballchamp it’s def the ex, the children aren’t the issue, hard work like mine but I get on with them. His ex is similar to me in some ways, wants her own way, both stubborn although I’m open about it she’s more manipulative and I can’t be bothered with the drama anymore so as much as I know one day everyone will get hurt I’m keeping my emotional distance I guess.

@Lynda07 yes many would be envious of what we have, I’m happy to keep it going, just doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to be more. It’s my choice to keep it this way but it isn’t want I wanted the relationship to be like so I know one day it will need to end. At the moment it works though.
@RantyAnty you’re right, there’s no benefit to anyone to love together and certainly not to get married. Recently he’s mentioned more children but that is not on the cards from my point of view. Couldn’t think of anything worse.
@Monty27 yes there is lots of romance outside the practicalities, we do lots of lovely things together and for each other. One example is we both try to wake up the first to get downstairs to tidy up and make the other a cup of tea before they wake up so they get to stay in bed, but lots of romance, cuddles, gifts etc

OP posts:
fantasmasgoria1 · 09/03/2020 07:40

18 months to me is a very serious relationship! Crikey my fiance and I moved in together after two months and engaged after 5. I have not personally known anyone that wasn't living together after 18 months.

Original poster
Wafflesandcreme · 09/03/2020 07:53

@fantasmasgoria1 that’s what I mean, we have children but iv have two longish term relationships (8 years and 12 years) pre children and we both lived with each other nearly right away, shared bank accounts and purchased property. To me this one is wrong or I wouldn’t be feeling like this and wanting to keep my distance.
I own more than I did in those relationships as I’m older. I ended both of those relationships as I don’t really mean for them to happen and my life took turns that they weren’t part of, career for first and second because he became abusive and I didn’t want that in my children’s lives.
I wanted my next relationship to be forever this time but I don’t think he’s the one

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 09/03/2020 08:31

Relationship seriousness actually has little to do with the amount of time expended on it - and that is something that trips up lots of people. those who stay with their partner for years, hoping for a commitment and assuming one will come, because they've been together so long, surely it is serious? Whereas as you say, OP, you can easily be in a relationship for 18 months and not view it as serious.

You are at Stage 2 of Natalie Lue's Relationship Stages (www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-123-the-5-stages-of-relationships/). You are not at stage 3 until you have a proven vision of a future together by making a 'big ticket' commitment, such as buying a house together. (Be aware that many men do not view having a baby as a big ticket commitment).

I think you are beginning to feel the lack of deepening intimacy that comes form being with someone you see your future with.

Original poster
Wafflesandcreme · 09/03/2020 09:46

@ChristmasFluff yes I agree I have had relationships that have been more serious at 18 months than this one, although these were before children. I’m confused if it’s because of having children and being aware of what’s right for them that I’m not wanting to move it on to the next stage or if it’s my reservations and his being too friendly with his exw, prob a mixture of both.
I am also aware that to some men having a child doesn’t mean commitment but the reasons him wanting one I think is bring me and my children closer to him and his so we are as one but I know his relationship with his ex will bug me far too much and I’m not willing to have a committed relationship with someone who very much is friends with an ex, I get there needs to be contact re children but that’s it in my eyes
The other reservation is inheritance, I’m due to inherit a large amount and if we had a child I would need to make sure all 5 children are treated the same as would all share a sibling and I wouldn’t want to leave anyone out, then his two children would inherit off their mum and mine have a dad who has nothing.
I think if he wants to start as a family with me (even tho I’m not having anymore) he needs to cut ties with the ex. We parent our style in our home and them in theirs. I don’t see how co parenting works when one lives with other children. I might start a new thread with this actually x

OP posts:
PinkMonkeyBird · 09/03/2020 11:25

@Wafflesandcreme you say "I wanted my next relationship to be forever this time but I don’t think he’s the one"

Quite simply, why bother carrying on with this relationship? If you don't think he is the one, cut ties, concentrate on your kids and get out there to meet the right one.

Does he know you are going in inherit the large sum?

Also, you seem to have massive issues with his ex on the scene. Surely he needs to keep in contact with her for the kids. What is it you don't like about them being in contact?

dodgeballchamp · 09/03/2020 11:26

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect him to cut ties completely with the ex if they share children. But it’s your prerogative to feel like there are things you don’t like about his circumstances, whether that’s unreasonable or not, the fact is you don’t have to stay in the relationship if it’s not meeting your needs.

Like I said I don’t think practical commitments like jointly owning a house etc are necessary for a rship to be emotionally committed. Being together but living apart works very well for some people and doesn’t make them any less committed than those who share a house. I also think your experience of moving in together and sharing finances “right away” as you put it in previous rships is unusual, that’s not something many people would do right from the start. It sounds like you feel like the relationship isn’t ‘proper’ in its current form but there are also reasons you don’t want to move it on - if there are fundamental differences between you two as people, such as how he communicates with his ex, it sounds like that’s more of a problem than the fact you don’t live together