when does a relationship go from exclusive dating to serious?

[Wafflesandcreme]

Started dating 18 months ago, I’m not sure where we stand on the serious scale?
See each other 3-4 nights a week, holidays and kids all know each other. No living together, no shared assets or finances or plans to do so
I would say he is my BF but it’s not massively serious. Like two up from dating as we are exclusive and kids have met.
Is there a scale? He’s lovely btw, not planning on ending it but in my eyes without any kind commitment it’s not that serious
I also have my reservations so don’t plan on changing it for the foreseeable as not 100% sure if this is really long term. I think he feels the same

I agree with @dodgeballchamp People don't have to live together to be in a committed relationship. A friend of mine has lived separately from her OH for 8 years. They are now getting married and making plans to live together but, their main reasons for not moving in together was due to the fact they both had adult kids at home and logistically living together wasn't going to work. Things have changed now to enable them to marry and live together, but they have been very committed throughout.

Either way, if you are a bit more older and wiser, you know for sure within in a year or two of being in a relationship whether you want it to be long term or not.

@dodgeballchamp I didn’t mean cut all ties really, I meant they can have a relationship when it comes to the children, discussing them but it’s the friendship side I don’t like, the extra conversations, they talk every day about something and I’m just not that comfortable with it. It’s ok for now as I’m not considering this as long term thing, I’m not in the position to easily meet anyone else anyway so it does suit for now. I get a bit sad sometimes that I’m not in a committed relationship that I’m 100% happy with but there’s much worse positions to be in.
@PinkMonkeyBird yes he knows about the money, I come from a very well off family and it’s hard to hide really. I do think at this stage I should be more sure about it and looking somehow to commit more but because I have issues with his ex it’s stopping me. It’s better than bouncing from one man to the other tho.

Is it wrong to think that one day he will either become the right one or the right one will present himself

I’d be worried if someone I had spent 18 months dating didn’t think we were ‘serious’ tbh. I reckon the time you have been together alone is enough to deem it serious.

It sounds almost like you’re staying with him because you think it’s better to be in a relationship you’re not happy in than not be in one at all? If you weren’t with him you wouldn’t have to “bounce from man to man” but even if you did do some casual dating and have fun, as long as your kids weren’t negatively affected by it what’s the problem with that?

If you don’t feel he’s the right guy for you there’s nothing wrong with being single and enjoying life on your own terms. Relationships should be an added bonus, not a necessity. If you feel they’re something you NEED, you’re setting yourself up to fail as no one person can give you everything you feel might be missing from life

@dodgeballchamp I have done the whole casual dating thing, it was fun for a while but I did get fed up with it, not something I’m keen on doing again. I don’t need to be with anyone, he comes with loads of good points and the good outweigh the bad massively for this stage of my life. I’m not missing much from life so I’m not needing a lot from a partner, I have a great job, kids, family, friends and financially secure. I do feel that whilst he still has a closer connection than I’d like with his ex like he does then I don’t want to share my life fully with him, whereas had this not been the case then I’d be more happy to do so. We’re ok for now, I think we have different views on what makes a serious relationship so that’s why I asked here.

I'm in a newish (one year) relationship and feel it's very serious. However, we have no plans to live with each other/have children or get married. Neither of us feel that any of the above matters.

I like living alone, would never want shared money and don't believe in marriage.

He speaks to his ex a lot. Not sure how often because I've never asked. He stays at her home once every other week and that's fine by me.

I've had children, moved in with someone - in a short space of time and this relationship feels more serious than them.

I think as you get older you are more secure in all aspects in life and don't generally need all of the above to feel that way.

@ChristmasFluff Iv just listen to the podcast and really enjoyed it so thanks for the recommendation. We are definitely at stage 2 and after listening to the podcast I’m actually feeling happier about where we are. It might progress to more when the time is right but if not then it wasn’t meant to be. I think in my previous relationships I did move through the stages at a quicker rate but life was different then and I didn’t have children and other commitments or things and they didn’t have children or exs around so felt easier and just flowed better although they didn’t last long term either but for different reasons.

@Wafflesandcreme

Reading your other comments, the fly in the ointment for you is solely his contact with his ex. Unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do about that as you can't dictate the level of their contact. Unless there is something else between them you are bothered about (like suspecting they will get back together), there shouldn't be an issue with them being friends. I'm still friends with my ex-husband, we split for a reason and I'd never want to get back with him. He's also remarried and I get on with his wife. It has helped my DC massively, to see their parents get on well. You really shouldn't be letting this factor stop you from letting things move on.

In answer to this Is it wrong to think that one day he will either become the right one or the right one will present himself , no it isn't wrong, but generally you would know within a year or so whether you want to be with that person in a more committed capacity. If there you have doubts then why waste any more time being with this man? You've said you are independent enough and financially well off. If I was in your position, I'd be having a conversation with him about the future and if he wasn't on the same page, then I'd be off. Life is too short.

I'm late 40s and in a fairly new relationship of 5 months. My DC have almost all left home and I'm entering a new phase in my life. The man I'm with now has been quite explicit about wanting a future with me and the feeling is mutual. We've spoken hypothetically about what we will do when we retire etc. However, going back to your scenario, if my chap was like yours, not discussing future plans and wasn't acknowledging we were serious 18 months into the relationship, I'd certainly not be wasting any more time with him. I wouldn't want to carry on constantly feeling I'm just a person to date with no inclination of future plans together.

@PinkMonkeyBird part of my problem is that she hasn’t made any effort to be be friends with me, in fact actively avoiding me. She’s overly friendly with my BF (her exh) chatty, funny inside jokes over the phone and on messages yet refuses to acknowledge me in anyway. To me this is an issue, I’m not sure why this is the case and why she wants to be friends with my boyfriend but not me.

@Wafflesandcreme I’d love for us to live together in the future but that’s not going to be anytime soon. I do daydream it but it’s certainly not a plan yet!

You are wasting his time. Clearly he sees it as serious and you don't given his reaction. You don't want him to be friends with his ex and you're annoyed she doesn't want to be friends with you too?! Erm, why would she? I have a new DP and I don't expect exH to acknowledge him and be friends with him. I get that for him it's awkward.

Sorry but you are being very unreasonable. Just cut him loose as you clearly aren't that into him. I've been with DP for 14 months and we are serious. We want a future together and knew that very early on.

@Qwerty543 how am I wasting his time when we actually have a good time together? We just have a different idea of what commitment or being serious is. Maybe we are serious in a way but not others. I said in a previous post I think he feels the same way about where we are. I don’t see why being friends with me would be awkward for her, she’s the one who left him and I often have her children stay with me when their dad has to work nights.

So him and her stay friends and if I live with him or marry him then they still have thing that I’m excluded from? Yet I’m expected to give everything emotionally and financially to a man who still has an exw hanging around who for whatever reason wants to purposely exclude me?

I would speak to him, i think after 18 months if you are both into eachother then its worth knowing exactly where you stand. I wouldnt feel comfortable (and it has happened to me and was hard) seeing someone for that long and in your mind questionning if it may just be a waste of time and effort.

I guess it depends how happy you are to continue without any commitments and for how long

@Ruby1991 I have spoken to him about it last night and it’s his relationship with his exw that is stopping me move the relationship on. He doesn’t want to change his friendship with her and feels I’m being unreasonable whereas I feel he won’t love me anything like he loved or maybe still loves her and Makes me feel like an outsider.
He would say we are in a committed serious relationship but that’s not how I feel.
I’m a bit worried I will never really fall in love and want to get to the final settled committed stage of a relationship where I feel at ease and let my guard down.

Maybe I should just accept that this is where it is and that it won’t move on

Something popped in to my head as I read your posts.

You have brought a new house, he doesnt live with you but spends most of his time with you and brings his kids too who you look after while he works.

Does he contribute towards your bills and other costs?

Is he just using you as unpaid babysitter?

@Wafflesandcreme surely you would know you are in love with him by now if it is indeed a serious relationship? You don't fall in love after you get married or start living with someone...unless it is an arranged marriage. I find your logic frankly, quite odd!

I also agree you are being unreasonable about his ex-W. You can't dictate the level of their friendship or contact. She really doesn't need to or have to be friends with you at all, just polite. I think you are over complicating things, especially if you aren't even in love with this man.

@PinkMonkeyBird I’m not sure if I’m in love with him or not. If I didn’t care then it would t bother me about his relationship with his ex. I maybe being slightly unreasonable about his ex but she is manipulative and does things to make our life harder together. We have often arranged date nights for special occasions, she will message can you have the children on xxx knowing it’s something we planned, he will say no I can’t because xxx then she will let them ring him so he can’t say no because she wants to go out.
I’m not sure why she does this or why she would have a problem with me, it’s not awkward I get on with everyone and not argumentative.
@SortingItOut he doesn’t contribute to the bills as such and I wouldn’t want him paying anything as he has his own house and I have a little mortgage and money isn’t really an issue. He would also babysit my children if I asked, I actually enjoy having them stay and they get on with mine and the money side isn’t an issue

The more you post the more I agree you are wasting his time. If someone I was dating after 18 months said they weren’t sure if we were serious or if they were in love with me I’d be incredibly hurt. I think I’d have to end it. As a PP said you don’t magically start falling in love with someone after you move in together or get married, either you love them or you don’t

You either accept things as they are or fade out the relationship and be open to finding someone else.

He sounds like a nice man, good company and at least is honest. I'm sure he is serious and committed to you as far as it goes, I mean he isn't treating you casually - you're his girlfriend. Many would envy you. However you do seem to want more (I have to say I can't understand why but you are you), and that isn't going to happen with him in the foreseeable future. The ball is in your court. He's not the only man on the planet.