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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive wife but can’t leave kids

51 replies

Dad82 · 08/03/2020 22:47

I write this as I lie in the spare room. I’m a confused, lost, doting dad of 3 young children and have been married for 15+ years.

My wife is drinking 2 bottles of wine a night recently. She often passes out on the sofa and it’s got to the point I just leave her there.

When she drinks it’s like she becomes a different person. She becomes so argumentative and she thinks she’s always in the right. Earlier this evening I wanted to go for an early night as her drunken remarks were winding me up, she followed me upstairs, blocked my path, hurled a mountain of abuse at me and then whacked me round the face. She then proceeded to scream profanities at me at she walked away down the stairs all whilst our kids sleep in the next room :(

This isn’t the first time, yet when I threaten to leave she uses the kids against me and says in front of them things like ‘daddy is leaving because of xyz’ which makes the kids start crying which then means I obviously can’t leave them as I love them more than I care for my own feelings.

I can’t go on like this. I don’t know what advice I want I just needed to write this for my own sanity.

OP posts:

Willow4987 · 08/03/2020 22:52

Hi op

Sorry you’re going through this

To be honest, I’m not sure how you will be able to leave if that means leaving the children in that environment. I think you need to take steps to protect all of you as it sounds like your wife has an issue with alcohol.

Can you speak to a GP? Do you have any support IRL to talk through the issue? Will your wife seek help?

Hopefully someone will be along with experience of this situation but I didn’t want to read and run

12345kbm · 08/03/2020 22:53

I'm really sorry to hear this.

What your wife is doing is abusive and there is a helpline you can call for further advice and support.

You can contact Gingerbread for advice on child custody, contact etc
You can find a family law solicitor at the Family Law Panel.

batsBATSbatsBATSbats · 08/03/2020 22:56

If you were one of my mates I'd tell you what I'd say to any female in that situation - that she needs to leave.

You shouldn't be the one to leave. Also, she has assaulted you and you need to log that with the police.

mrsmuddlepies · 08/03/2020 22:59

Another one for log it with the police. There might be a custody battle.

12345kbm · 08/03/2020 23:03

The OP certainly can't leave his children with his wife; that would be considered neglect if she's an alcoholic who passes out every night and gets abusive when drunk.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 08/03/2020 23:12

She is abusive, she has assaulted you and she is a danger to the children. She has to leave. Report her for assault and hopefully she will be made to leave. Can you afford to stay there with the children on your own?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Is there anyone in real life that can help you? Don’t be embarrassed to ask. There are more male domestic abuse victims than you think, sadly.

FurrySlipperBoots · 08/03/2020 23:16

Report her to the police, separate and take custody of the children. I should imagine it would be helpful if you had any of this behaviour on film as that would support your case. Hopefully the shock of police involvement will pus her to accept help.

Josette77 · 08/03/2020 23:18

Report her and you stay, she leaves.

DaughterOfHekate · 08/03/2020 23:23

Sounds like you're in an impossible situation @dad82 and this is going to damage both yours and the kids mental health

I highly encourage you to report it to the police, even if nothing comes of it its important they have a record of the assault and the level of intoxication your wife is at

This might result in social services being involved

Might be worth while recording her outbursts and abuse if you can, the more evidence you can gather the better

Elliesmommy · 08/03/2020 23:54

She needs to be reported for domestic violence. I would log a call with police. She is a danger to you and your children. Dont leave the home. You have every right to be there. Im sorry you are going through this

mamato3lads · 08/03/2020 23:57

Keep a record of this abuse OP. And her alcoholism.

Is everything stable with you? Money, job, home etc? Would you get custody? Could you do it alone ? Have you got support ?

If she won't get help for this then you need to prepare to leave her and take the kids with you. Definitely keep a record and if need be, contact the police.

mamato3lads · 08/03/2020 23:59

@FurrySlipperBoots has a good point. Can you film any of this drunken behaviour? Its solid proof shes unfit to care for the kids. Be prepared for social services involvement but as long as everything is good with you, there shouldn't be a problem....

NoMoreDickheads · 09/03/2020 00:06

@Dad82 I agree with reporting it.

Report it every time it happens- call 999. Particularly when she's utterly plastered, she's less likely to come across well to the police, which will work in your favour.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2020 00:34

Is there a reason why you can't take the children with you? Legally both parents have equal rights to the children so it's not like you'd be 'kidnapping' them.

I'm assuming you work and these are the questions I'd ask a working mum in your situation. Can you afford childcare? Do you have family or friends who can provide or help with childcare in the interim?

You are doing a lot more damage to your children by allowing them to see her abuse you AND allowing her to abuse them by using them as a weapon to make you stay.

Musti · 09/03/2020 00:39

What is she like when she's sober? Is she reasonable then? She sounds like an alcoholic. Does she know she has a problem with alcohol?

I think you need to speak to the police or social services and explain your situation and see what they say.

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 09/03/2020 09:36

God you poor thing, bloody hell.

Please please report her for assaulting you - she needs to leave the family home so you and your children are safe.

Just because you are a man it doesn't change the fact she is an abuser and should not be the main carer for the kids right now.

You sound like you have your head screwed on and want to do what is best for your kids. Right now that means getting her out of the family environment and you being the kids caregiver.

When you report this to the police please ask them for a domestic violence representative (someone else can confirm the title to ask for - my mind has gone blank) to support you through this.

Say she is aggressive, drinking to excess and has already physically assaulted you so you feel unsafe and cannot leave her in charge of the kids / alone with them due to this behaviour.

If you have a supportive workplace I wonder if you could ask for some parental leave if / when she is removed from the home and you have some police support.

Do not let anyone tell you that this experience of domestic abuse is lesser than / not serious because you are a man. It is unacceptable and dangerous regardless of sex.

She is weaponising the children and physically assaulted you - this is escalation and you need to act now.

Sending you love, it's an awful thing to go through

Prestonluke · 09/03/2020 11:06

H there op. I joined just to post a reply to this and let you know you are not alone. Looking back my partner was always very controlling, I just went along as I thought that was how relationships were supposed to be. It gets a lot worse when she drinks to excess though, which happens two or three times a week. Worst part is making excuses to the kids as they are too young to understand. She has threatened physical harm to me on multiple occasions when I have stood up for the children when she is being unreasonable to them. I can put up with a lot of anger aimed at me but draw the line if it is aimed at the children as you'd expect. Also like you she will call me out in front of the children as the cause of disagreements and often say the most terrible things to my face that if I respond to will be met with 10x the aggression. I know that if I left she would immediately make up lies to the children and make them miserable, she would care more about hurting me that looking after their well-being. It makes for a pretty miserable existence tbh, except when I'm spending time with the kids which I do a lot, then it is all worthwhile. So sorry I have no better advice, I hope you find a way of coping.

Kittykat93 · 09/03/2020 11:09

Oh op. That sounds awful. You need to report her for physically assaulting you. Don't leave the kids alone with her as it looks like she is a danger to them. She needs to be the one to leave.

TTClou · 09/03/2020 11:27

Firstly your wife needs help.
You can help and support her but down to her really.

Shes a danger to you, herself and more so to your children.
for all of your sakes and if this was this you need to get away and take the kids with you. even if its just for a short period of time.
maybe it will help her see the damage she is causing.

She cant be allowed to carry this on. You and the kids don't deserve to live like this. I wish you the best

septsapp · 09/03/2020 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OhCaptain · 09/03/2020 12:20

You need to report her.

She has assaulted you. And she is an alcoholic or well on her way to being one.

Yes she needs help but you need to prioritise your safety and the safety of your dc.

She needs to get out and if she won’t go alone, then you need to call the police the next time she assaults you. There is always a next time.

You don’t have to be the one to go just because you’re the man. She’s the danger. She’s the abuser. She needs to be the one to get out.

This is an Irish site. I’m sure someone can point you in the direction of a UK one.

Anyman

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/03/2020 12:34

Or have you genuinely done nothing wrong and she is just doing all this for no reason at all ????

WTAF have I just read?

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 09/03/2020 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quoted a deleted post.

Doyoumindifislytherin · 09/03/2020 12:45

women gets drunk every night and is abuse to husband, Must be the husbands fault

Honestly the mentality on here amazes me!

OP your wife is abusive, in so sorry you are going through this. Agree with others that you need to log this with the police. Is there anywhere you could go with the children? Or ask her to leave?

No one should have to live through this. You need to protect yourself and your children.

PhilCornwall1 · 09/03/2020 12:46

Or have you genuinely done nothing wrong and she is just doing all this for no reason at all ????

Oh for god sake!!! There is never a reason to assault anyone like this!!!!! You are ridiculous!!!

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