Abusive wife but can’t leave kids

[Dad82]

I write this as I lie in the spare room. I’m a confused, lost, doting dad of 3 young children and have been married for 15+ years.

My wife is drinking 2 bottles of wine a night recently. She often passes out on the sofa and it’s got to the point I just leave her there.

When she drinks it’s like she becomes a different person. She becomes so argumentative and she thinks she’s always in the right. Earlier this evening I wanted to go for an early night as her drunken remarks were winding me up, she followed me upstairs, blocked my path, hurled a mountain of abuse at me and then whacked me round the face. She then proceeded to scream profanities at me at she walked away down the stairs all whilst our kids sleep in the next room :(

This isn’t the first time, yet when I threaten to leave she uses the kids against me and says in front of them things like ‘daddy is leaving because of xyz’ which makes the kids start crying which then means I obviously can’t leave them as I love them more than I care for my own feelings.

I can’t go on like this. I don’t know what advice I want I just needed to write this for my own sanity.

Sorry no didn't mean about the assault at al of course that's not right and needs dealing with , I meant like what are the underlying issues to why she's so angry or are there none meaning it's just her being Avis I've for no reason

#abusive

I would consider getting something that videos your living room for the safety of your children & yourself. Is Alexa linked to your mobile ? This will provide an objective account of what’s happening , and your wife’s drinking. Should things escalate.
I think you know that safeguarding is paramount, but word against world is hard to prove without impartial evidence. If she can’t self regulate it maybe that she needs third party specialist help . But clearly she cannot be allowed to assault you and your children

It doesn't matter if there are underlying issues. There is no excuse for assault.

The children are listening to their drunk mother hurl abuse and hit their dad which is abusive. They are being brought up in an abusive household and the OP needs to protect them and keep them safe from that.

You need to start taking steps in order to protect your children OP. I think you've posted about this before and were given the same advice.

Has your wife always been like this? Has she started any new medication that might be clouding things? And as others have asked does she know/admit to her problem with alcohol?

It’s definitely abuse though.

@Dad82 this was my life growing up. I’m in my mid-30s and still in therapy as is my brother. My Dad divorced my Mum and won custody.

Get your kids out of there!

Have you got any marks from where she hit you? Take photos to document them. As others have said, please report to the police as an assault. It’s really helpful to have evidence from an outside organisation if you end up going to court for custody. Reporting to the police will alert social services- but in my opinion that’s a good thing as, again, they’re another external organisation who will see evidence of what’s happening.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You and your children can have a happier life.

Can't believe someone is on here asking if there are underlying issues. She smacked him round the face for no fucking reason. Shame on you for victim blaming.

You’ve pretty much described my parent’s relationship. My father didn’t abandon me and I am so very grateful to him for that. A lot of people will try to blame you for what she’s doing to you or for not keeping your children safe but they just don’t get it. The system is biased in favour of women when it comes to child protection and domestic violence. Do what you have to do for your children but make plans for when they get older and you finally divorce her.

You need to report the assualts and document all of them. Is there no one in real life you can talk to about this - parents? siblings? a friend?

Report to police and hopefully they will help you but since (as you can see from some replies) people's views of domestic violence are extremely sexist, you probably will do better to get evidence. I've had very few reasons to visit a police station, but they have always taken the time to record issues (unrelated) in a very caring way. If you have an Android SmartWatch, there's a super creepy app that would help - it lets you record video without your screen appearing to be on at all. PM me if you want details, my DH found it.

Honestly the mentality on here amazes me!

It is not just here. That is the standard mindset when it comes to women who abuse men.

I wasn't victim blaming , or making it his fault , or being sexist . He was asking for help , everyone saying call police etc , that's fine but not always that easy if he isn't ready to leave , I was asking if there was underlying issues in relationship wondering if maybe these could get sorted maybe in counselling or when she is sober or with outside help , or if they were to separate amicably would she stop drinking if maybe the reason she drinks is because she's also unhappy in the relationship , I didn't in any way condone her abuse verbal or physical , I am also asking as there is always two sides to every story and wasn't sure if there was more to why she is like she is or if it just is coming from her completely out of nowhere in which case it's just her being abusive rather than her being angry about something that's happened ( in which what she is doing is STILL abuse not any better ) just trying to help him to find another way around it eg helping her to be a better mother maybe if they weren't together or would she still be like this with children alone ? Those who have been in an abusive relationship will know calling police and leaving isn't easy in any way , it would be great if it was always possible though .

Just go away @septsapp I don’t know what you’re hoping to achieve here but go away.

@Dad82

Hope you have given leaving with the DC serious thought. Please come back and let us know how you're doing.

@septsapp I'd stop digging that hole deeper if I was you.

As a child who witnessed this almost every weekend (except his was dad to mum) please call the police & have her charged and arrested. Speak to a lawyer and get your children into a safe situation. The psychological effects on witnessing and hearing it all, for me, has been bad! I managed to push it to the back of my mind until recently. I am now under a counsellor.
Take care of yourself and your children. You all deserve so much better

I work in this field. If you report this to the police and DO Not leave then there is a risk that social services will remove your children. This isn't meant to frighten you into staying quiet but to make you fully informed of recent child protection legislation so you can make the best decision for your children. If you do report it you need to follow through.

I echo other posters, gather evidence, log with police and leave. You have been given some good resources, another is Shared Parenting who until recently were called Families Need Fathers so they know the pit falls of being a man gaining full parental responsibilities. See a solicitor immediately, in cases of domestic abuse and a low income legal aid may be available to you.

You may think that staying to protect your children is best but witnessing parental conflict can be far more damaging to children than separation. It also doesn't have to be all or nothing. Your children, despite her behaviour are likely to miss their mum terribly which again can cause trauma. Encourage supervised contact with a view to moving to supported if/when she accesses therapy and knocks the drinking on the head.

You can do this.

@Prestonluke I think you should also look at the advice on here. I hope you're okay!

Well Septapp, how many other relationship threads have you been on asking the woman what she done to deserve abuse or being slapped a cross the face? Seems people like you only say the “two sides to every story” bullshit line when it’s men being abused, funny that isn’t it? Disgusting.

OP you could just plan to.take the dc and go, to your parents or a relative/any safe space?

If you can’t leave right now find a way of keeping a Diary safely ( on an iPad in a password protected app, secure folder pin locked on a phone, hidden file on a computer for example) and document everything dates/times/what happened.

Please find someone to confide in a friend, OR contact Mankind which are a male domestic violence help line I googled the number it’s 01823 334244. Unfortunately as we have seen on this thread from some mumsnet isn’t a great place for when abuse is coming from the woman.

You've had some really good advice on here and I agree, she is the one who needs to leave and the children need to stay with you. I wish you strength OP, it is never easy to report your partner but it needs to happen for everyone's sakes.

You 2 options leave and take the kids or stay and kick her out. You and your children do not need to be in that toxic environment. If she’s a decent mother the shock will make her sort her self out. If not then you need to step up and look after the kids.

OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have just started the divorce process from my alcoholic husband and so have some understanding what you are going through.

Your wife is undoubtedly an alcoholic and that alone is more than enough for you to leave the marriage. The abuse is appalling and you should not stay to accept this. BUT PLEASE do not leave your children with her. She is already damaging them with her behaviour and this will be very much worse if you are not there to protect them.

I agree with others re evidence but I suggest you also start phoning around family solicitors and see if you can find one that has experience specifically with fathers getting custody from alcoholic mothers. Almost all will offer you half an hour advice free. The right ones will be able to give you an idea of what sort of evidence the court will need to grant you custody. Until she has worked a good period of sustained, professional help, she is not safe to share custody and the courts will take you seriously.

Some posters have mentioned social services. Don’t be afraid of their involvement, they will help you if you are taking steps to help your children.

For your own sanity, Please remember the 3 c’s of alcoholism: you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. Your wife needs help but that is her responsibility and, sadly, it is very possible she will never accept it (sorry to be brutal but you could easily waste your life trying to persuade her).

Don’t stay stuck in this dysfunction. Get your ducks in a row, get you and your children away and hope that she uses that as a wake up call to get help for herself.

Very best of luck!

Hi Dad82,
I went through years of this with my now ex-wife, not specifically with alcohol but her abusive behaviour. I told myself the kids would be safer and better off if I stayed until they left school. I don't think it was the right thing to do. What I do know is that you have taken the first step to getting help, something I didn't do. The best advice I can give you, given my subsequent experience with the police is to get as much evidence as possible before going to them. Record her screaming at you and video her abuse if you can do it safely. Document every mark she makes on you with photographs and as many details noted as possible: date, time, circumstances, etc. I would also recommend talking to a specialist support service who are experts in this area. Try Men's Advice Line: 0808 801 0327 or Mankind Initiative for Male Victims of Domestic Abuse: 01823 334244 or National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (run by Refuge).
Unless you or your wife gets help, the kids will be negatively affected. You have taken the biggest step in realising you need help which is great. Now get expert advice on how you can do what is right for you and your kids by getting out in the right way, together, and safely. If you want a chat anytime message me and I mean anytime.
Take care of yourself, and your kids, get proper advice and act on it. It will be hard, very hard, but in the long run you and your kids will be so much better for your courage in acting and getting out of this abusive marriage. I wish you all the best.

I can only feel your pain and hope you find a way through this. As the daughter of an alcoholic, my childhood has blighted my life. This is the impact this has on you and your children. Sending my best wishes!