What separates an emotional affair and a close friendship?

[GirlOnIt]

Just that really. I feel like there as to be a sexual element. Because otherwise isn't it just a close friendship?

My rule of thumb with cheating/ crossing the line is would you do it or say it if your SO was there. Any type of secrecy would also raise red flags, I have male friends, DP has female ones, but we wouldn't lie to each other about them.

I had an EA. At the time I swore blind to myself it wasn't one because we 'hadn't done anything' But now I have a good few years perspective on it it's obvious it was. You can have conversations with friends that you would prefer to keep secret for all kinds of reasons I think that's not everyday normal but not necessarily an EA. I think it's down to why in your heart you want to keep it secret that makes the difference. It's the intensity of it.
Is he 'present'? Are you getting on well, making plans etc?

I have a number of close male friends who I am not in any way having an EA with and the one thing I notice about those friendships and the EAs described on here is that we never touch, or even want to touch, on certain topics. Like if we find each other attractive as people, our sex lives, what ifs. We discuss our problems but never get into deep emotional stuff. We never talk about anything that we would be uncomfortable with our partners or other close friends hearing.

A few years ago an ex (thankfully) of mine was constantly accusing me of having affairs. I have a lot of purely platonic friendships with men and always have done. In fact I have more male friends than female as other females and I just don't seem to get on.... lol

Anywho after two years of these constant accusations it transpires that it was him having the affairs and his accusations were simply to alleviate his own guilt.

If you don't trust your other half, firstly why don't you trust him and secondly if he's not trustworthy why are you still with him?

Where did he 'meet' this friend? You say they live too far away from each other so is he using dating sites or did they find each other on a hobby group etc? If it's a dating or hook up site that should tell you everything you need to know.

Maybe it's just a crush?

Crushes seem to be fine - hundreds of women on here admit to having them.

Secrecy. If you can't be honest about what you're doing and who you're seeing you shouldn't be doing it.

Look at this tread

#To ask you if you have a real life crush on anyone?

Amazing double standard?

Where's the other thread people have mentioned? I feel like we need to know the actual back story on this.

To be honest though the best advice I can give you is go back and read your old threads. Honestly I know it's hard when you know deep down you shouldn't be with them but you can't work out what's keeping you there (similar situation myself) but you are worth so much more than this man. He's fucked you over so many times now, my heart sank when I read this and I realised you've taken him back again.

So who is this person he's been messaging, what did the messages say and how did you find out?

To me it wouldn’t matter whether it’s an emotional affair or a secret friendship - the problem would be his lying, because it would demonstrate a lack of respect for me. So either way I’d be out.

They used to work together, she added him on Facebook and messaged asking how he was. Just general messages first asking how each other are, he mentions me and the kids, work comes up a fair bit as do the kids, a few about Coronavirus. Very general, mostly whiles he's at work, not everyday or anything.

Nothing I'd have been annoyed about, if I'd known about it and didn't feel he'd hidden it from me.

I really don't think he fancies her or wanted anything to happen. But why be so stupid as to lie and be all secretive? Why would anyone think that's a better idea than just saying "Oh, B got in touch the other day".

I'm beginning to wonder if he's just stupid, like really, really fucking stupid!

He didn’t share it with you because it wasn’t something he wanted you to be part of. The secrecy is secondary to the fact he has formed a relationship with her that excludes you, deliberately.

They are the “we” in this scenario. You are the other, the “she” or the “them”. You can never be part of this because, at the most innocent, she is the sounding board for the long list of issues he has with your relationship. That’s obvious from the message you saw.

He has taken a whole part of life as a couple, sharing troubles and fears, away from you. It is incredibly intimate element and he has given it to her. She is his confident. And she could be anyone, just not you. That’s why it is an affair. No matter what assurances he gives you.

Secrets.

*It wasn't physical at all, but he would say things like,

I love you, I want you*

Um. "I want you" is physical!

@Gwenhwyfar I suppose so. It was more often like passionate declarations of stuff than anything else.

I'm beginning to wonder if he's just stupid, like really, really fucking stupid!

OP- He was unlucky enough to get caught. Otherwise, he wasn't entirely stupid. He was slightly cunning, and knew what he was trying to do.

I don't know @NoMoreDickheads. He usually messaged on WhatsApp, but the only suspicious message he sent was via iMessage, which I can see on his iPad. If I'd seen one of the others I wouldn't have thought anything of it.
He can't even try and cheat (or whatever it was he was doing) properly.

@GirlOnIt it’s actually depressing me reading this thread. The things he said to her scream deceit. Plus you feel it’s off. I’m it sure what else anyone can tell you - you simply don’t want to hear it. May as well get off MN and start polishing turds to prepare you for future hurt.

Not sure - not it sure

Its not always sexual. Its an intimacy that kind of transcends "usual" friendship. Eg- talking about feelings you wouldnt normally share with anyone but your partner, reliance on that person's support, regular and intense contact, missing them if you go a day without hearing from them, disclosing deeply personal stuff, feeling that you "connect" with that person on another level to other relationships- that sort of thing