What separates an emotional affair and a close friendship?

[GirlOnIt]

Just that really. I feel like there as to be a sexual element. Because otherwise isn't it just a close friendship?

Why are you still trying to justify his shit behaviour?

You have an answer for everything, op

So why are you starting yet another thread looking for justification to overlook his dodgy behaviour ?

I guess because I'm not sure I believe him. But everything looks like he's telling the truth.

Do you just have a bad feeling about this OP?

We don't believe him either

I am 53 and have a 29 year old direct report who is a contractor. I knew him before he came to our company and we are friends as much as you can be with a colleague. He messages all the time and in fairness me to him.
My OH calls him the boyfriend jokingly but I have zero to hide and OH reads the messages when the phone is nearer him than me.
There is nothing inappropriate in the messages and it is general chat but to the outside who don't know us mat be seen as something it isn't

If it looks like he's telling the truth then give him the benefit of the doubt.
I haven't read your previous posts by the way.
But just keep your wits about you if its like that.

Yes and no @sleepingpup. I feel something is off, but I believe what he's saying. I'm not sure if it's because I still don't fully trust him. And I think he was supposed to on his very best behaviour and he still fucked up.

This is meant to be his "best behaviour" and that has turned out to be worth shit

He has form

You are unsettled, suspicious, trust has exited a long time ago

Why are you still there ?

He actually instructed this woman to hold off messaging him because “GirlOnIt has my phone.” He said that her messaging him at the weekend should be okay. He then told her to not reply.

Girl, he was being intentionally sneaky and devious. He was scheming with another woman. You two are supposed to be trying again. To me, this is not the behavior of a person who wants to restore trust. He has shown you great disrespect in the past, and still is.

Are you the poster from the other day whose partner said ‘no messages as Girl has my phone?’ If so, he’s really taking the piss. What’s the difference between an EA and a close friendship? The first one you need to conceal because it crosses a line, the second is all above board with nothing to hide. He’s been sneaking about and hiding it, so what does that suggest to you? Sounds dodgy as fuck to me.

That's the one

One word.

Secrecy

Not again

How many chances are you going to give the guy

Isn’t this the 3rd or 4th?

Hang on

Are you "A" from the other day, very similar post ??

We told you then and I'll say it again now.

Your husband is a fucking liar and he is deceiving you. He's involved with someone else and the message he sent her about when to text and not to reply etc PROVES that.

How many times? You're not going to get a different answer. Hes lying. Hes cheating.

Ignore it. Or leave him.

But bloody hell, stop trying to find a way to make it innocent. IT ISN'T

Oh OP, No.

That is what my EA guy was like. There were no mobiles then, he said I could have his phone number as long as I only called at certain times. (I think his wife had banned him from having female friends- and 'rightly' so, in fact I think she was his friend before she became wife#2.)

If there's not anything he had to hide, your dodgy bloke wouldn't have to ban her from getting in touch when you are around, just in case she sends something 'wrong' in a message which would alert you that something's going on.

"It wasn't physical at all, but he would say things like,

'I love you, I want you.' "

Um. "I want you" is physical!

Confiding about your relationship issues.

I don’t agree with this being a problem. Surely that’s what friends are for? Like PP said I think secrecy is a problem - I may say things to friends that I wouldn’t want a partner to see but I wouldn’t keep the friendships themselves secret. But if he’s kicked off about you having male friends (which is not ok of him) then it sounds like he’s projecting. Either way, he doesn’t sound like he’s being a great partner

Prioritising them in many ways.

Again? He is an absolute waster. In every way, not just the lies and cheating. Going by previous threads. Please please get rid. Don't be posting for the next ten years.

Regarding confiding about one’s relationship, it becomes inappropriate when included with secrecy, attraction, over-investment of emotional energy and time, and saying things/behaving in a way you wouldn’t want your partner to know about.

Yes, same poster. Other than hiding the relationship (which I obviously think is dodgy) nothing else about them chatting makes me think emotional affair, it looks like a friendship. So that's why I'm checking, I didn't have the other information at the time as I'd seen that message and thought the worst.

I know it's difficult to understand when I've only posted the bad things, but we do also have a very good relationship. Before dc and then since we've been back together other than this messaging I really can't fault him. He's got lots of good qualities too and we've been very happy.
I don't think lying is ok, but if it's just that he needed someone to talk to, rather than anything more. I'm not sure that's worth throwing our relationship and family away over.

If course it's an emotional affair. Anything you have to hide is exactly that.

I've got friendships and I may even whinge about my dh to them now and again but I don't hide it from him.

It's head out of arse time op and stop trying to convince yourself his actions are ok.

He admits it's because he thought I'd be annoyed or suspicious and he didn't want to cause any problems between us.

So he does things he knows would upset you if he thinks you won't find out. Nice.

He says, because he's kicked up a bit of a fuss in the past over my male friends

So he's a hypocrite as well as selfish. One rule for you and one rule for him.

I remember your other thread. This is getting ridiculous now, he’s really done a number on you for you to be wondering if this is ok.

It doesn’t matter what it’s called. Emotional affair / inappropriate behaviour that really upsets your partner and makes them feel shit about themselves as well as being utterly hypocritical because he wouldn’t like it the other way around.

You’re asking about what to label it as, as if that makes a difference as to whether you have to put up with it.

He would rather do something he knows would hurt you and keep it secret, than not do something that would hurt you.

Ooooh, he's a clever one, isn't he?

He hid the relationship because he knew it is more than 'close friends', or at least that is his plan. Otherwise, she'd have started as an 'acquaintance' then 'friend' that you knew all about.

But by saying 'I hid it because it would upset you,' he thinks he's making it impossible for you to be upset, or he gets to say, 'See! It's upset you, this is why I didn't tell you!'

If this is his best behaviour, he's showing he can never ever be trustworthy however much he tries. He's an untrustworthy shit. Is that really what you want from a life partner?