Friend suspects DH is cheating with woman at work.

[bb45]

This might be long so apologies in advance. NC.

One of my best friends has been married for 15+ years to a DH I have always got on well with. We socialise together as couples a lot and have been away together etc.

In a nutshell, the history of their relationship is that he cheated on her with two different women about 10 years ago, two young kids at the time and they patched it up. She has had suspicions about a few other women in the years since but he has dismissed it as her paranoia because of what has happened before. To be honest, I suspect that's true. I don't think he cheated again. But their relationship is not in great shape now, they haven't had a sexual relationship in about 5 years and she is incredibly possessive of him. Somewhat understandable given what happened but none of it that great ultimately.

They work for the same business but in different departments. Within the last couple of years, a new woman, significantly younger than both my friend and her DH, started working there and my friend took an immediate dislike to her. She flirts with the DH (she is married herself but sketchy how solid it is apparently). She also contacts him out of working hours. They have had a lot of rows about this woman. My friend has discovered that the woman is not well liked in the office for her behaviour towards lots of men but particularly the DH. There have been rumours about them circulating at least since last year. My friend only recently became aware of this and has not told her DH that she knows (overheard a conversation between other colleagues about it).

My friend has also noticed that the DH and this woman stopped being friends on social media quite abruptly in the last month and then became friends again in the last couple of weeks. She also apparently told someone in the office that she had "contact" with a married man who had then stopped all contact but she didn't clarify further.

My friend is now convinced something has happened with this woman but doesn't know how to confront it if she even has enough to confront.

Any advice on how to advise my friend? I don't want to make her even more paranoid about this if, objectively, there doesn't seem to be much to it.

I'd stay out of it. He cheated twice before and she stayed. If you say anything negative now and she tells her DH they will in all propability still stay together but he will undermine your relationship with her because now you are a danger to his nice life.

Just listen and be sympathetic.

Or send her over to MN to post for advice, that might work too.

Thanks @KahlanRahl this is what I've done so far. I just don't want to make the wrong move her and be too passive about it.

The DH has a close female friend at work that my friend knows as well (absolutely nothing dodgy there at all, they really are just friends) and she was thinking she might try to bring it up with her as they were planning on having lunch together soon. I don't think that's sensible tbh.

I’d also stay out, she’s not leaving him, she just doesn’t want him to be shagging elsewhere. And you know it’s bullshit that the woman isn’t liked because of her behaviour to married men but particularly her husband. That’s just her jealousy talking. Honestly why do women say this shit.

She’s been suspicious of other women over the years. It’s a constant theme. Just tell her it doesn’t seem likely on the evidence suggested but it’s up to her.

In all likelihood, he's been cheating on her the entire time. With all the suspected women, probably others too.

Agree with PP, send her over to the Relationships Board to seek her own advice. If you give your own, the messenger will be shot.

And yes it would be batshit for her to ask his friend. She’s never going to tell her, but she is going to tell him. And if it’s not true, he would rightly be fuming.

It's definitely true about the woman being disliked because of her behaviour towards men, not specifically married men.

I will suggest she posts here. Thanks.

How do you know it’s definetly true? Sounds like jealous woman gossip to me. Office folk don’t behave that way usually.

Haha, disliked by who? People like your friend who are jealous of her and bitch about her. Suggest your friend focuses on her husbands behaviour instead.

Or keep out of it, she's never going to leave him.

“Jealous woman office gossip”. Hello? Feminism calling

I mentioned it mainly to say this won't necessarily be specifically about my friend's DH, she has a pattern of behaviour and has been warned by her manager about it.

My friend is definitely jealous and paranoid - she knows this. She is also focusing on her DH's behaviour but part of that is looking at this woman's behaviour too.

You were very quick to jump to say the woman was definitely disliked because of how she behaves round men, this is highly unlikely. And something you couldn’t know.

Are you the woman op who thinks her husband is cheating? The friend is made up?

I am not the wife, I'm not going into massive detail about why I know this is true about the woman, it is definitely true though.

she has a pattern of behaviour and has been warned by her manager about it

What? This doesn’t even sound plausible.

It’s you isn’t it? It’s you who thinks your husband is cheating again.

I'm not interested in debating this with you @Bluntness100. If you can't accept that what I've said is true feel free not to post anymore on this thread. There is no need for rudeness.

they haven't had a sexual relationship in about 5 years

Is that the choice of her or him? Because if it is because she refuses, well..... It would make sense he would then go elsewhere. I am not defending his actions, just saying if that she hasn't been wanting sex with him, and sex is an important part of a relationship, then yeah, he would be looking for it elsewhere, that's nature.

It's her choice @TealWater. I know it's not a great situation. As does she. He would be happy to resume a sexual relationship with her. I do wonder if this is at the root of her constant worrying tbh.

She’s been warned about her behaviour 😬

Gawd, it’s a brave manager to pull a woman up for her supposed flirting/promiscuity

He cheated, she stayed

He cheated, she stayed

She decided not to have sex with him and forced celibacy on him for 5 years. He stayed (and more than likely got it elsewhere)

‘ain’t love a beautiful thing

@GoldenTickett there was more to it than that. She made allegations (which were disproved) and was probably lucky to keep her job.

Well she's not "jealous and paranoid" if he has - by his own admission - had two separate affairs.

She's bang on the money.

He's a big, untrustworthy confirmed cheat, who is again sniffing around an Other Woman. 🤷‍♀️ She's right.

No sex for 5 years at her instigation.
I completely understand his behaviour.

She can't trust him and I can't imagine any person would be able to trust someone who has repeatedly cheated on them. So she spends her whole life paranoid surely better to end things so she can feel better and be open to new and better relationships? And if she doesn't want to sleep with him then I would think he's definitely cheating (as he cheated on her when she was sleeping with him).

What a mess. Keep out of it OP, be kind and sympathetic but don’t be drawn into this disaster relationship.
I’d imagine he’s been cheating the whole time, and she’d be a bit of a fool to think otherwise, given that being caught the first time wasn’t enough to put him off. Mind you, a sexless marriage for five years sounds absolutely shite so I can’t entirely blame him for looking elsewhere.

God, whatever is or isn't currently going on it sounds like an awful situation.

Clearly he is a cheat and sounds like a sleaze and it's entirely possible that he is having another affair but even if he isn't, it sounds like they really shouldn't still be together.

If she wants to stay with him then that has to mean that she forgives him and learns to trust him again. Whilst I don't blame her for not trusting him, that's no way to live.

Also, she shouldn't have to have sex with him, of course she shouldn't but is that another symptom or their relationship being in a bit of a state?

If she wants to find out if he's cheating then she can do the usual check phones, bank etc but actually she needs to work out what she's getting from this marriage other than worry and anxiety.