Friend suspects DH is cheating with woman at work.

[bb45]

This might be long so apologies in advance. NC.

One of my best friends has been married for 15+ years to a DH I have always got on well with. We socialise together as couples a lot and have been away together etc.

In a nutshell, the history of their relationship is that he cheated on her with two different women about 10 years ago, two young kids at the time and they patched it up. She has had suspicions about a few other women in the years since but he has dismissed it as her paranoia because of what has happened before. To be honest, I suspect that's true. I don't think he cheated again. But their relationship is not in great shape now, they haven't had a sexual relationship in about 5 years and she is incredibly possessive of him. Somewhat understandable given what happened but none of it that great ultimately.

They work for the same business but in different departments. Within the last couple of years, a new woman, significantly younger than both my friend and her DH, started working there and my friend took an immediate dislike to her. She flirts with the DH (she is married herself but sketchy how solid it is apparently). She also contacts him out of working hours. They have had a lot of rows about this woman. My friend has discovered that the woman is not well liked in the office for her behaviour towards lots of men but particularly the DH. There have been rumours about them circulating at least since last year. My friend only recently became aware of this and has not told her DH that she knows (overheard a conversation between other colleagues about it).

My friend has also noticed that the DH and this woman stopped being friends on social media quite abruptly in the last month and then became friends again in the last couple of weeks. She also apparently told someone in the office that she had "contact" with a married man who had then stopped all contact but she didn't clarify further.

My friend is now convinced something has happened with this woman but doesn't know how to confront it if she even has enough to confront.

Any advice on how to advise my friend? I don't want to make her even more paranoid about this if, objectively, there doesn't seem to be much to it.

Your friend sounds passive and a bit feeble. She should end this pseudo-marriage before he falls in love with one of the women, and ditches her. She won’t be in control if that happens.

It almost doesn’t matter if he’s having sex with this particular woman or lot - because if it’s not her, it’s someone else. He has form as a shagger and his wife is withholding sex, so it’s obvious that he’s getting it somewhere.

Sexless marriage that isnt a marriage

I’d agree to stay out of it. I’d actually suggest for her to post on mumsnet for some advice herself as she will get the array of ltb but I think the writing is on the wall for her ultimately she needs to make the decisions herself

Stay out of it.

He’s obviously cheating but no one will thank you for facilitating that discovery.

It seems she wants it both ways. She wants a marriage and a faithful man but she refuses sex.

She can't have it both ways. She is being selfish and ignoring his needs. If she has any decency she will divorce him allow him to find a relationship where he is loved and able to have a real actual relationship. She is being cruel keeping him in a 'marriage' that is in name only and not a real one.

Are we all missing the fact that he cheated on her? Since when did it become about her being honourable to him and his bloody needs? Jeez

I cannot believe people are excusing his behaviour, literally saying they understand him probably cheating again. Grim. Why should he be allowed to cheat? Surely he should end the relationship first if he’s that desperate to screw other women.

If he’s cheated twice and been forgiven then he is fully aware that there’s very unlikely to be any consequences if he does it a third time.

My money would be on him having already cheated several more times than your friend knows about.

I'm genuinely curious - if she discovers that he is in fact cheating, what exactly is she going to do?

Of course it's bad he has cheated on her! However if she took him back and they both were willing to give their marriage a go, that means give and take, does it not? If your spouse isn't meeting your needs in the relationship, then that is not good. Her being cheated on years ago does not make her a saint. If she took him back, it's because she thought their marriage was salvable. A marriage is 50-50, yet what percentage is she putting in?

Reverse this and say the husband has refused to have sex with his wife for 5 years. We would all be advising her to LTB.

None of this is appropriate in a work environment.

I don’t believe the line that she got censured by a manager and it’s common knowledge. Especially if she raised concerns.

To be fair, I think whether he is cheating or not is immaterial
She cant trust and she will probably never be able to trust him.
Also the more time she is with him the more her mental health will suffer.
She really would be better without him for her own peace of mind and happiness.

I don't know if you should say anything or as others have suggested stay out of it and be a listening post, but if I was you this is the realisation I would nudge her towards.