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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New relationship doubts

59 replies

UnaCorda · 08/03/2020 12:52

I've waited forever to meet someone and finally got to know a man through an evening class I go to. He seems nice, although I have a few reservations (for example he doesn't have a job at the moment) and seems to like me a lot.

However as soon as we started dating he's become quite needy and a bit pathetic - frequently saying he "wants a cuddle" and pointing to his face for me to kiss it. It's turning me right off.

My concern is that previously I've been attracted to a lot of emotionally unavailable men who have treated me very badly and, now I've met someone who seems keen, it's me who's being avoidant. I don't know whether to see how things pan out or just to nip it in the bud (and condemn myself to being single for another eternity).

Help!

OP posts:

Mermaidwaves · 08/03/2020 18:31

What are butterfly kisses? I quite a like a man who's into cuddles but the lack of job would really put me off. I guess it might depend how long he's been unemployed though. I met a guy who chose to give up his job and have some time out because he felt he 'deserved' a break from his stressful life. That's not good enough for me I'm afraid. Imagine if we all did that?

Original poster

UnaCorda · 08/03/2020 18:43

OP I recommend you read the current "I'm going to have to dump him because his phrases irritate me" thread to see where you'll be in 8 months if you don't ditch him now!

Reading it!!

OP posts:

Chesntoots · 08/03/2020 18:47

"The Ick" strikes.... no way back from that

KundaliniRising · 08/03/2020 18:50

Point at your ass and indicate that he should kiss that. < please op, you have just got to do this 🤣

On a serious note, he is an adult male, not 5 years old, so it would be B for bin for me.

Nothing sexy about a man behaving like a young child 🤮

Original poster

UnaCorda · 08/03/2020 19:07

Is there any point having a conversation with him about this (although goodness only knows how I'd put it)? I've seen this man weekly since September, so I know he is capable of reining in this childish behaviour and being a bit more masculine.

OP posts:

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 08/03/2020 19:33

You've got the ick this quickly?

Why would you keep dating him?!

You are totally put off by his behaviour, I would be too, which is only going to grate on you more and more.

Woman up - end it!!

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 08/03/2020 19:37

No!! This is who he is with people he's romantically involved in. And that's ok.

He isn't nasty or anything, he should have the chance to be with someone who likes him for him. If you keep seeing him you aren't giving him the chance to do that.

I would massively get the ick like you are but I'm sure there's someone out there for him.

It's his natural way of behaving - surely you don't want to be with someone who has to consciously try to do things you find attractive?!

You must want to be with someone who you find naturally attractive when they are being themselves, and vice Versa.

offlikeabanger · 08/03/2020 19:39

What's only been three days? Three days you've be been dating?

Sofacat · 08/03/2020 19:40

He had some sort of emotional breakdown a few years ago, I think

Has he had therapy? Is he emotionally stable now? I would have hoped after a few years he would be able to work again , although I am aware that for some it’s not possible.

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2020 19:42

I guess he’s on benefits or something op.maybe he’s borrowing from his parents to go out. Has he not worked for several years? I’d be a bit wary of that personally.

All the neediness stuff would turn me off too, but I’d also be concerned about being involved with someone who is long term unemployed who suffers from mental illness to an extent it prevents them working , I’m not sure I’d be experienced enough to cope with what it involved.

How old is he?

madcatladyforever · 08/03/2020 19:45

Really I couldn't, I like real men not 4 year olds and why isn't he working.

MrsSiba · 08/03/2020 19:50

If your sixth sense is tingling, listen to it. Life is too short trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Bin him and move on. Better being single than in an unhappy relationship.

Lampan · 08/03/2020 20:01

I am also fairly avoidant and run for the hills if anyone shows signs of being too keen. I would be running a mile if I were you. Tell him you are looking for different levels of involvement and end it. It won’t get any better.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 08/03/2020 20:03

What's only been three days? Three days you've be been dating?

Yes.

Has he had therapy? Is he emotionally stable now?

I'm not sure. He seems reasonably stable, but who knows? I didn't know he was going to start asking for "cuggles".

Has he not worked for several years?

I don't think so, no.

How old is he?

Early fifties.

OP posts:

MadamePewter · 08/03/2020 20:54

@Mermaidwaves it’s those really fucking irritating little fluttery multiple kisses over you.. bleurgh

MadamePewter · 08/03/2020 20:54

Usually by people who refer to making love.. 🤢

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 08/03/2020 20:57

With all due respect OP it's been three days and you're making threads about your concerns... just tell him you don't want to keep seeing him! Cuggles just gave me a whole body cringe. Argh.

Divebar · 08/03/2020 21:07

Before I met my DH I spent quite a few years single. I used to periodically meet men who liked me where there was no initial attraction from me. Perfectly nice guys who just weren’t my type. For some reason I would end up dating these guys.... I think because I was so grateful that someone wanted me. Are you sure there’s not a touch of that happening here OP?

Menora · 08/03/2020 21:14

You have the ick
I am with a man who is ridiculously cuddly and soppy and all that jazz and it doesn’t make me feel sick - because I feel the same

Basically unless it’s mutual it is just not going to work. Sorry

Original poster

UnaCorda · 08/03/2020 21:22

For some reason I would end up dating these guys.... I think because I was so grateful that someone wanted me. Are you sure there’s not a touch of that happening here OP?

Oh I'm absolutely sure that there's a lot more than a touch of that. It's been fifteen years since I've been with a man I could trust to reply to a text message / not stand me up / not lie to me / not keep huge secrets.

I'm gutted that this guy who seemed worth getting to know has instantly turned into Mr Needy as soon as I kissed him.

OP posts:

Qwerty543 · 08/03/2020 21:57

DP and I can be a bit needy with each other. But we are on the same page and are ok with it and can't get enough of each other so love our cuddles and kiss a lot.

This though, if you are already questioning it as something you don't like, then it isn't going to go anywhere. This is the good bit where you are all starry eyed at them. If you are getting irritated by their behaviour after 3 days then it's a no.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 08/03/2020 22:04

Seems to be pretty unanimous, then.

OP posts:

Mermaidwaves · 08/03/2020 22:24

I cant find the dumping because of phrases he uses thread? Does anyone have a link?

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2020 23:08

Op, all seems a bit much to me. This early onL it should be butterflies not the ick.

If he has recovered from his mental breakdown why is he long term unemployed still? Is he qualified in anything, what did he do before?

Has he been married before, have kids?

PurpleSproutingSomething · 08/03/2020 23:35

He sounds like a feathery stroker.

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