I feel defeated... Where to go from here?

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DP often has a “face” on him and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to live with. I just feel that I’m either walking on egg shells or that there’s an argument due to erupt soon.

We had our first DC last year and I feel like I do everything for DC. DP often doesn’t get home until 8-9pm, taking overtime, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he went to friends’ or whatever during this time. Before we got together, DP was (still is) a huge introvert. He likes his own space. He likes to live in a very clean house. He likes time alone.

I feel like I do the best I can in the house (still on maternity leave) whilst I have a very active 10 month old cruising around the house, needing supervision, attention, playtime, feeding etc. I keep on top of the laundry and I tidy as I go along, but the deep clean things can often go amiss. He does clean when he comes home, so I can’t fault him for not pitching in there.

As I say, he works every hour of overtime he can, and that leaves me with baby all day until 8/9pm, he’s home for an hour or so before we go to bed, then I do all of the night feeds except sometimes he’ll help on weekends, so he sees very little of our DC. He has a hobby (that he gets paid for) that he does every Saturday and Sunday. So I never get a “day off”. I hardly ever have time to go to the gym, to go out with friends without DC, time for a soak in the bath, time to wash my hair (unless my mum comes around).

Last night he came home from his hobby and went upstairs to watch a film, citing an upset stomach for his reasons. The reality is, it was a few hours without having to be with me and DC, or so it feels.

This morning when he had a face on, I’ve asked what’s wrong. He said he’s fine. I said you don’t look happy. He said I’m not happy, I haven’t been happy for months, said he likes his own space etc., and I said I try to give you that and he said it’s not all about you.

I just feel defeated. I feel so rundown. I have DC constantly. I love DC so much that I would never resent this but sometimes it would be good to be myself for an hour or two, not just mummy. I haven’t lost the baby weight yet which DP also isn’t happy about, but I never have time away from DC to be able to go to the gym. I feel like he has no appreciation whatsoever for what I actually do at home with DC. I know plenty of people have children so people may think I’m a softy here but I find it genuinely hard and exhausting some days and it feels like I do so much of it alone.

I resent that he can go to work, can eat his lunch without a baby crawling up his leg, he can go to the gym after work without consideration of who’s going to watch the baby. I resent that he can come and go as he pleases, always knowing I have DC but I can’t do the same because he isn’t around.

And then to hear this morning he’s the unhappy one. It’s just gutted me. I let him do whatever he pleases and sacrifice so much of myself for it, but he still feels he’s the one hard done by.

I don’t really know what I expect from this post. Realistically I’m not going to LTB right now. Has anybody else been through this? He calls it us “going through the motions” of having a baby. Is this normal? I just feel lost.

I think you have to stop being the supplicant and give him a shock in the hopes it will jolt him out of his pity-party.

It's not OK to opt out of family life and leave it all to you. Stop making his life so bloody easy and running round trying to please him. Get angry instead of letting him deflate you.

Give him the baby and go out and go scream on a cliff-top or something - speak to mates who will bolster you.

Of course it's not fucking normal. It isn't what having a partner actually means. What sort of role models for family life does the selfish prick have? You need to make a really really firm stand now or your relationship is doomed.
Are you going back to FT work after maternity and if so, when? He should be able to see the logic of exactly equal inputs into the house and child then? If not then again your relationship is doomed.
I'm sorry but you need to find the strength to really sort this out now. Good luck.

His role models are pretty poor to be fair. His family isn’t British, and within his culture, I’m not sure women are treated too fairly. He’s been born and raised in the UK, but still, his mind will have been clouded.

I go back in about 5 weeks, full-time, in a senior position that often requires me to work long hours. I tried a conversation about that last night, too, and that didn’t go too well. He seemed really put out that I’d need help in a morning getting myself and DC ready to leave on time to get to nursery so I can get to work on time. I’m doing all nursery drop offs because nursery doesn’t open early enough for him to drop and get to work, so I said you need to do more pick-ups and he became defensive about how he can often be on different shifts so we’ll just have to agree a week in advance who does what. I told him a week in advance doesn’t work for me, my diary is set a year in advance for any corporate meetings and I know exactly which days I won’t be around.

I agree with the point on going out and handing over the baby and leaving him to it pretty much. He’s never had that. Never had him for a full day alone. It might make him appreciate everything I actually do.

Sorry but he made the baby with you so it's also his responsibility to help and let you have time to yourself aswell.! You need to have a serious chat with him and tell him how your feeling.! Not just about his feelings!! Good luck

No wonder you're unhappy with the situation OP . And then for him to turn it round is not on. You should be working as a team and this needs addressing before you go back to work as the pressure will be even more with you juggling work, home, DC etc.
When our DD was little I worked part time and DH full time but he still did more than his fair share and now we both work full time but me 9-5 Mon-Fri and him shift work so he either has a morning off or afternoon and he cleans, does washing etc so that I haven't got to do it all evenings/weekend, just catch up on other smaller jobs and I batch cook. It's called teamwork. Sorry but he sounds very selfish.

It's not all about you?! Lol
I would of straight up told him ' Snap = it's not all about YOU and your needs.

It sounds like he's in the poor me faze and that really could go on for sometime and end your relationship.

I really feel for you.

You'd be better off doing this properly alone.

He seemed really put out that I’d need help in a morning getting myself and DC ready to leave on time to get to nursery so I can get to work on time

Sounds like that’s the source of his unhappiness - resentment that he’s going to actually have to take on even a slice of parental responsibility and maybe adjust his like a tiny fraction. No thought for you or your shared child, of course.

You need to TELL him he's going to drop baby off ... your not asking ... 🌺

The dropping off at nursery, I really don't mind because it's on my way to work and out of his way, and he couldn't drop him off without being late to work. But he does need to help me in the morning and either not leave before I've showered and dressed so he can watch the baby, or get him ready whilst I shower and dress.

Sorry I've taken a while to reply. I appreciate you taking the time to respond ❤️ We had another row before where he told me he couldn't talk to me about what's making him so unhappy because I'm not the type of person he can talk to. I asked why he was with me if I wasn't the kind person he could turn to or rely on and again, he said I was making it all about me.

Feeling emotionally exhausted today! I think a little nap with baby is in order.

It doesn’t come across like he either likes of respects you. Which one would imagine is very hard to live with.
I would very seriously think about this relationship for the long term.
Do you need the money from his overtime - because at this age everyone needs to compromise

In this day and age. At this moment, this is absolutely unacceptable.

He will not concede though - you know that don't you? He has far too much to lose. You also know that if you break up he will find another woman pretty quickly. And so on and so on, repeat and repeat. This type have been ruined by retrogressive parenting models. You can't win. The only long term win for yourself and your child (is he a son??) is to walk.

He will have to share some parental responsibility then and you will get some time to yourself. You will also be free to find a decent man in the future.

You are shackled to a selfish chauvinist. Women don't have to put up with this shit anymore.

I was a single mother from pregnancy, so did everything by myself. I always thought it would be WAY worse to have a partner and have some expectation the partner would participate in child-reading, etc - yet the partner do nothing. I had no expectations so couldn't be disappointed.

I watched couples go back and forth - you change the baby, no you change the baby, I changed the baby last time, it's your turn, I'm tired you do it, etc - and in the same amount of time I see the baby needs changing and I make the change knowing it's me or no one. It's a mindset change.

You might PAY for help when you go back to work and then eventually separate from him. He has no interest in family life. Not the first man to do this. Most women let the men off the hook - at least historically - but really we don't have to do that anymore.

I see the new dads in the office asking for overtime or work trips so they don't have to go home and do baby care. They don't even hide it.

You will never be as lonely by yourself as you are just now.

I’m so ruddy tired of seeing men check out of family life so that their life can carry on unhindered.

And as for ‘in his culture’?

Sod that. Culture can stop at the front door. He needs to step up, support you and pull his finger out of his dad hole. You didn’t make the baby by yourself.

You know he is being an arse OP. You shouldn’t be putting up with that.

You can make it all about you when you hoof his selfish arse out the door.

“He calls it us “going through the motions” of having a baby.”

Only he isn’t acting as if he’s had a baby. He’s being incredibly selfish and needs to grow up. He’s unhappy because his needs are no longer your priority. It’s pathetic. The hobby which takes up the whole of his weekend needs to stop. That is the reality of children - you have to be there for them.

Don’t decide now that you can’t leave. You may find yourself happier doing it alone than having a useless, selfish man child of a partner around who does nothing to help.

In any case, this isn’t normal - it’s unacceptable and he needs to step up.

Good luck.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. DP is also sat around with The Face on

He desperately wanted DC, the DTs came along and all of a sudden he realised that wow! Babies are hard work!!

When they were tiny he did as little as possible with them. Now they are older he gets annoyed every time they put a foot out of line (as he sees it). No allowances for them still being small children.

Like your DP, he thinks nothing of accepting overtime/ time for his hobbies/ invitations to meet friends etc because he knows I'll be there to hold the fort. I have been out literally one evening in the last year and that was after the DC went to bed.

Could you manage without him - financially, physically etc? Because unless he starts pulling his weight it doesn't sound like this will get better. Do you have family or friends nearby who could help out with childcare? Could your working hours be more flexible?

I know you said that leaving him isn't realistic at the moment. But perhaps you could make 'worst case scenario' plans? Wishing you good luck anyway, and I hope things improve soon

It doesn’t come across like he either likes of respects you.

I agree and I've said this to him before. He said in the argument that he doesn't, then after said that it was said in anger, but I don't believe that.

He will not concede though - you know that don't you?

You're right, I know he won't. Life is too easy for him here. Yet I don't do anything about it and I can't figure out why. I feel like I've reached a point where I hardly care anymore what he does. I have DC and that's what's important to me. But I need to find my self-respect.

I see the new dads in the office asking for overtime or work trips so they don't have to go home and do baby care. They don't even hide it.

I feel like this is exactly what he does. I just don't get it. On the days I've done KIT days, I'm desperate to get home to DC. I can't imagine prolonging that time away.

You will never be as lonely by yourself as you are just now.

That really resonated with me. You're completely right. I spend so much time alone right now or out with friends. Waiting for when he will come home.

Could you manage without him - financially, physically etc? Because unless he starts pulling his weight it doesn't sound like this will get better. Do you have family or friends nearby who could help out with childcare? Could your working hours be more flexible?

To be honest, I could manage absolutely fine without him. My mum is absolutely amazing and she's doing a few days of childcare when I go back. The nursery costs would be split with him anyway. My best friend helps a lot with baby so I know I have her, too. I have my siblings nearby who are happy to help too. I'm in a very fortunate position. I'm the higher earner and this is "my" house (I hate to say that because we now split bills equally) so I could afford to take it all back on again without any contribution. Nursery bills may make it a little tight if I was alone but I'd just have to cut my cloth accordingly.

@RubySlippers77 I'm sorry you're also experiencing it. It's horrible, isn't it? I feel guilty for wanting some time away from DC sometimes but then I think why should I feel guilty, DP sees DC for approx 2 hours a day and he isn't made to feel guilty.

I wonder what these men would do if they didn't have mothers as devoted as we are.

Sorry OP, this sounds like an incredibly draining situation and it does sound like you would actually be better off without him in your house and life.

He’s not a proper parent, partner or even friend to you. He shows you no respect and doesn’t want to spend time with his own child.

Is this what you want your child to grow up thinking is normal?

Ask him to move out. You won’t miss him (he’s never there anyway) xx

I wonder what these men would do if they didn't have mothers as devoted as we are

I daresay once they realised they didn’t have someone doing their share of the tasks they might think on and step up a bit...

Just spend your life with a man you doesn’t like you.
Many women do.
He will at some point fuck someone else “ who understand him”
But he will chose to stay with you, because your house is nicer

When do women start to take some agency over their own future.
If your friends or boss treated you like this you would tell them to FUCK OFF

What kind of post is that, around? What 'women'?

Are we all stupid idiots, then, us 'women'?

And quit sneering at the op, people.

Given that you're financially able and have a good network for going it alone, I would point that out to him. And that unless he chooses to engage with family life, he needs to go. (Under no circumstances should you marry him. He may propose to try and keep you.)

It is actually worse living with someone who could lift some of the burden but doesn't, than it is living alone and knowing it is all on you.