DP often has a “face” on him and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to live with. I just feel that I’m either walking on egg shells or that there’s an argument due to erupt soon.
We had our first DC last year and I feel like I do everything for DC. DP often doesn’t get home until 8-9pm, taking overtime, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he went to friends’ or whatever during this time. Before we got together, DP was (still is) a huge introvert. He likes his own space. He likes to live in a very clean house. He likes time alone.
I feel like I do the best I can in the house (still on maternity leave) whilst I have a very active 10 month old cruising around the house, needing supervision, attention, playtime, feeding etc. I keep on top of the laundry and I tidy as I go along, but the deep clean things can often go amiss. He does clean when he comes home, so I can’t fault him for not pitching in there.
As I say, he works every hour of overtime he can, and that leaves me with baby all day until 8/9pm, he’s home for an hour or so before we go to bed, then I do all of the night feeds except sometimes he’ll help on weekends, so he sees very little of our DC. He has a hobby (that he gets paid for) that he does every Saturday and Sunday. So I never get a “day off”. I hardly ever have time to go to the gym, to go out with friends without DC, time for a soak in the bath, time to wash my hair (unless my mum comes around).
Last night he came home from his hobby and went upstairs to watch a film, citing an upset stomach for his reasons. The reality is, it was a few hours without having to be with me and DC, or so it feels.
This morning when he had a face on, I’ve asked what’s wrong. He said he’s fine. I said you don’t look happy. He said I’m not happy, I haven’t been happy for months, said he likes his own space etc., and I said I try to give you that and he said it’s not all about you.
I just feel defeated. I feel so rundown. I have DC constantly. I love DC so much that I would never resent this but sometimes it would be good to be myself for an hour or two, not just mummy. I haven’t lost the baby weight yet which DP also isn’t happy about, but I never have time away from DC to be able to go to the gym. I feel like he has no appreciation whatsoever for what I actually do at home with DC. I know plenty of people have children so people may think I’m a softy here but I find it genuinely hard and exhausting some days and it feels like I do so much of it alone.
I resent that he can go to work, can eat his lunch without a baby crawling up his leg, he can go to the gym after work without consideration of who’s going to watch the baby. I resent that he can come and go as he pleases, always knowing I have DC but I can’t do the same because he isn’t around.
And then to hear this morning he’s the unhappy one. It’s just gutted me. I let him do whatever he pleases and sacrifice so much of myself for it, but he still feels he’s the one hard done by.
I don’t really know what I expect from this post. Realistically I’m not going to LTB right now. Has anybody else been through this? He calls it us “going through the motions” of having a baby. Is this normal? I just feel lost.