How do we come back from here?

[subbybubbychoccolocco]

Been with my H for nearly 20 years,got together very young,Married with 3 children,No local family support.

The relationship has its ups and downs. Some of our problems are definitely both our fault.
But our sexual relationship is at an all time low. Children, sleep deprivation took its toll a little, but Still had an active sex life.

But the behaviour from my H after we had our children is causing problems.
It's like he reacted badly to losing my unwavering full attention and got very clingy,pushing for sex 3 weeks after a complicated c section.(which he got😳) Constant groping,touching innuendo,all the time,while I'm doing the dishes,getting tea,even when the kids could see or hear.

Even when im poorly ,have had a couple of surgeries and a condition that flares up. I get sent links to lingerie and costumes and "toys" for when Im better. It's like he wants me to know hes missing out and he expects it as soon as I'm better.
I have tried to talk to him,But he takes it as a rejection and wont listen.
It's got to the point now,Were I cringe when he touches me,I dont want sex with him,but I have to, to keep the peace and its really taking its toll,were I now cant bear him to touch me.
How do we come back from here??? Because I dont know how much longer I can carry on like this.

I wouldn’t want to come back from that to be honest. You deserve so much more respect. What a disgusting creep.

You do not "have to" - you have a choice over what happens to you and your body.

DowtonCrabby if Im honest,If I didnt have children ,I would be gone ,I just dont want to completely disrupt and mess up the lives of my children. They are happy and settled and seems unfair.

Mischance logically I know what you are saying is true,Emotionally it's just hard to see it through,say no and mean it without feeling so guilty. Although what you said made me realise I havent felt like I have control or autonomy over my own body for a long time.

He's sexually assaulting you
There is no coming back from that

Would your children really want you to have to submit to unwanted/coerced sex (there’s a word for that) just so they weren’t disrupted?

What model of a relationship are they seeing? Men grope and harass women and women give in to keep the peace?

Ugh, what a horrible person. Doesn't he realise that sending you links to "sexy" lingerie and unwanted pestering is both humiliating and a massive turn-off for you. From what you say his behaviour is close to rape, perhaps has already crossed the line. i think you need to make clear to him that his behaviour is unacceptable and must change. If it doesn't you will need to be prepared to leave.

This is really wrong. He KNOWS you don't want sex but continues to assert his "rights" to your body. It's dominating behaviour and it's abusive.
Why are you feeling guilty? You should be furious with him.
You need to turn this around and stand up for yourself. No is a full sentence.

You can't come back from that without eroding yourself.
Move on not come back

I don’t know that I could come back from the pressuring of sex after a section. I’m currently a couple of weeks post section and can’t think of anything worse and don’t think I could forgive DH if he didn’t get that

No my children wouldn't want that,but they are not aware of any of this and if we were to split, this wouldn't be something they would know,So to them if we split,I would always be the one,who turned,their happy family life up side down,they could end up hating me for that. They might never forgive me.
My children are my world, I dont know if I could do that to them,It just feels so selfish.

You said yourself that his sexually aggressive behaviour happens in front of the children.

User I dont think I really have,its probably were a lot of my resentment comes from ,He did say we could stop at any time,but after pushing so much for it,I just didnt feel I could say stop.
A lot of it is my fault for not standing up for myself,but its something I find hard to do in all areas of my life.

Why do you think leaving him is selfish? He sounds gross and a sex pest. You don’t have to be a martyr and stick with him to avoid ‘disrupting’ your children’s lives.
Your DCs need a happy mother.

What would happen if you decided to only have sex if you want to, and start saying no?

Are you worried his abusive behaviour would escalate?
Or that he would leave the relationship?

Its interesting because I spoke to my DS 12 today about his DF and I separating 5 years ago. He spoke about it in such a positive and level headed way. My other DS has a few issues but I cannot put this completely down to the split - it's more his DF is an idiot.

You say about your children being your world - separated/divorced parents feel anx felt this too. You're not going to get any medals putting up with it.

None of it is your fault at all, you're married to a sexual predator but it isn't your fault. Don't blame yourself.

I dont know,When I have said no in the past he gets really emotional and upset and says its because I dont fancy him or find him attractive anymore,Then usually sulks and goes really quiet and moody.
He says he gets moody because "it" makes him feel closer to me and helps us connect and it helps him relax when hes stressed, tired upset etc. That hes not being moody on purpose.

He's being moody to manipulate you into saying yes to avoid his moody sulky behaviour

He thinks he's entitled to sex whenever he wants it

This is not a good man

I remember my ex was like this. After each dc (3)i told him the mw said I had to wait 6 months before having sex!
Gave me some space. Never got better - in fact worse - -. Until I left...

Yep you should stay for the sake of your kids so when they grow up they will understand that being sexually harassed and assaulted and dealing with moods is perfectly normal and acceptable in a relationship then they can go on and repeat the cycle.....

I feel really sorry that you are living like that. You are worth more than that. You really are. Do not put up with it. You need to be strong for you and your children.

I know people are saying that I shouldn't stay for the kids as they will grow up and repeat that behaviour.
But really how much did you know about what goes on in your parents bedroom or between them,because I know I was blissfully unaware.
The children dont really see this behaviour, nobody does ,its all behind closed doors.
Yes he may occasionally make a comment or squeeze or touch me ,where its possible they could hear or see,I did say could have overhead or seen in my previous post not that they had.,But they dont because they are distracted doing something else and this is something I always call him out on as it's not acceptable to me. But the vast majority of the behaviour is when others aren't around.
So it would come completely out of the blue and with no warning for everyone if we split.

What absolute rubbish. My dad beat my mother behind closed doors but I can assure you I knew what was going on. I felt the anxiety in the house and suffer now as an adult. Please don't be so foolish. Once your DC get older they will pick up more and more

Oh and I can assure you whilst he is going round in a mood and sulk they will mirror your behaviour towards that too

This isn't just about sex op. He thinks he owns you, and has unlimited rights to your body. He gets upset when he doesn't get what he wants because he sees you as a thing, a thing who's function is to keep him happy. He is disgusting and you deserve better. For the sake of your own mental health you need to get away from him, if you are happy your children will be happy. Your children are really important to you, of course they are, but you are a person too, just as important, and you can't live like this. Think about it op, if you found out that your mum had gone through similar with your dad, would you wish that she had left, or stayed?