How do we come back from here?

[subbybubbychoccolocco]

Been with my H for nearly 20 years,got together very young,Married with 3 children,No local family support.

The relationship has its ups and downs. Some of our problems are definitely both our fault.
But our sexual relationship is at an all time low. Children, sleep deprivation took its toll a little, but Still had an active sex life.

But the behaviour from my H after we had our children is causing problems.
It's like he reacted badly to losing my unwavering full attention and got very clingy,pushing for sex 3 weeks after a complicated c section.(which he got😳) Constant groping,touching innuendo,all the time,while I'm doing the dishes,getting tea,even when the kids could see or hear.

Even when im poorly ,have had a couple of surgeries and a condition that flares up. I get sent links to lingerie and costumes and "toys" for when Im better. It's like he wants me to know hes missing out and he expects it as soon as I'm better.
I have tried to talk to him,But he takes it as a rejection and wont listen.
It's got to the point now,Were I cringe when he touches me,I dont want sex with him,but I have to, to keep the peace and its really taking its toll,were I now cant bear him to touch me.
How do we come back from here??? Because I dont know how much longer I can carry on like this.

I’ve been there. We couldn’t get back from there. Even to this day, if I see him, my skin crawls

You are making excuses to stay with a sexually abusive man

Marital rape was outlawed in 1991.

He knows you do not want the sex but he coerces you into it anyway. That is rape.

OP I suspect at the moment they are very young but given what you have said there is no way they wont see the affects of it. And you said yourself he does it when the kids are there - they may not understand but they will. Not only that they will see it as normal

It is far better for them to have a relaxed and happy mother than it is an unhappy one

Its ok to leave if you want to

If you're so convinced that your DC will know nothing about the atmosphere (fake smiles do not go unnoticed !)or your DH's moodiness when he hasn't had sex etc, then why on earth would you think that they will notice any negative effects from you kicking him out ?

Kids notice EVERYTHING, and learn by copying behaviours learned in the home !
So they WILL be currently learning that mummy's are often sad and upset but no-one is to pay any attention to them, the mummy's feelings don't matter.
Daddy's are more important cos everything is done for them to keep them happy, so that they don't go all silent, sulky and grumpy. If they DO go all grumpy, it's up to the mummy to let the Daddy grab and grope her until the Daddy is happy again.................

I'll give you 3 guesses which behaviours they will soon be trying out to get their own way ?? And your DH will be furious at them for 'stealing' HIS way of getting his own way.

All of your family will be getting angry, grumpy and not trying to control their bad behaviour at all ! All of them will expect Mummy to capitulate and run ragged trying to keep EVERYONE happy......:(

When this happens, he will do his best to drive a huge wedge between you and your DC because he can't cope with any competition for your full attention !!

For heavens sake, wake up ! It's up to YOU to change both your children's and your own futures !

That's gross OP. That he was even like it soon after your C-section is awful. The whole thing is awful, I know what having sex when you don't want to is like.

Please LTB- you don't deserve this. xxx It's not like you're doing something unusual- 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce.

Thank you everyone for your responses, I'm reading them all.

It's just something I'm really struggling with,I thought other people might have been in similar situations and found a way to work things out with their partners so everyone one was happy and they could get their relationship back on track.
It's only one aspect of our relationship so I thought we could sort it out.

Now I'm just feeling confused and unsure,I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm not listening, I really am.

We are on our way back from a milder version of this, I think.

DH really struggled with the lack of sex life after kids. I was fed up of being touched all day (and night) and just wanted to be on my own. He kept 'complimenting' me and trying to get me in the mood, buying me things, touching me etc like he used to. But it was a massive turn off for me as I felt under pressure and I ended up not wanting sex at all.

I disagree with some of the posters saying it's LTB territory (except for the csection thing). At some stage in your relationship you may have liked the attention, and he probably thinks he's being nice and trying hard. But he isn't listening to you and he's making things worse.

We are now finding a better balance. I've explained that the more DH "tries", the worse it is for me and I think it's finally sinking in. It's not very sexy, but how about setting one or two nights a week aside and saying no sexual talk or touching outside those, but that you will do your best to be in the mood on those days (depending of course, you can always say no, but on those days you really try to please each other sexually). You can rebuild your sex life if you are both willing to communicate and set boundaries.

(Namechanged for this)

The thing is OP you can only come back from this if he is willing to change his behaviour because you cannot and should not be made to have sex with someone or be touched when you dont want to. You are having sex now to simply keep the peace - you cant.

You cant do anything - peajotter is right it needs both of you willing to communicate and set boundaries. He needs to listen to you. If he cant what else can you do

Thank you for all the helpful and supportive comments ,I'm taking them all on board and need to think about what l do next.
I have definitely taken on board that although my children may not be aware of what's going on. They can still be affected by it. If I'm not happy they will pick up on that So I need to take that into consideration.

But frankly comparing him and his behaviour to Fred West is really a step too far and not really helpful ,so I think it's best to have the thread deleted.

Of course.

Your husband will still be sexually abusive though. You can't delete that.

OP, he is a sex pest.
He's odious.
He's making your skin crawl.
He knows what he's doing.
What he wants is more important than you.

You need to sit him down, sitting away from you and spell it out to him.

He is ruining your marriage.
His behaviour will cost him, his marriage.

You are pulling further and further away from him.
He needs to know this.

You will want him gone.
You will not be able to accept this awful behaviour indefinitely.

It will mess with your mental health and you can be absolutely sure your children will know.

Your best chance is to spell it out in the clearest way imaginable.

Then if he continues to be a sexual pest within your marriage you know you gave it your best shot to remedy things.

Wishing you strength OP.

All the best op. This thread is rather crazy so I hope and pray you find some sensible support irl and manage to communicate with your husband. You can come back from this if HE is willing to communicate and work with you. Counselling would be more helpful than Mumsnet I think

The Fred West comment was OTT but everything else was pretty sensible. Good luck to you and the children OP.

he sounds absolutely repellant. I would actually physically vomit if I had to have sex with a "man" who behaved like that. Yuck.

I thought other people might have been in similar situations

Yes, I've been in similar situations, sometimes for a long time. Then I gradually realised with that couple of guys that I was being either raped, sexually assaulted, exploited, coerced and manipulated, - or a mixture of some of those. So eventually I managed to get out of those relationships.

Never again!

If a man so much as nags me too much, he'll be told to fuck off and then fuck off some more.

I wouldn't delete the thread just because some people have posted stuff you don't like. A lot of people have given you support/good advice, and a thread can be good to refer back to.

He says he gets moody because "it" makes him feel closer to me and helps us connect and it helps him relax when hes stressed, tired upset etc. That hes not being moody on purpose.

And after that crock of shit you should have asked him but what about me and what I want?

Coercing someone you supposedly love into sex you know they don't want, whilst claiming that 'it helps us connect' is honestly really chilling to read.

I'm sorry OP but you deserve much, much more than this.

Op are you ok ? X

Op just thought I’d add my 2 cents worth in relation to your concerns about a split affecting the children. I was the child in this situation and I absolutely knew about the sexual coercion and abuse going on behind closed doors. My mother didn’t leave either (I think partly for the same reasons you are hesitating ie the children and partly because it’s a difficult thing to do no matter how unhappy you are). I wish she’d left. I’m in my 50s now and still haven’t got over the effects of growing up against the backdrop of an abusive relationship despite years and years of therapy. I feel sorry for my mother (she’s still with him and I know she’ll never leave now) but I’m afraid it has massively affected my relationship with her not just him. I think you should leave for them, not stay for them - there’s plenty of research showing the devastating and lifelong effects on children’s mental health of growing up in a household where the parental relationship is abusive. A divorce is far less likely to damage them in the long run. If I could go back in time I’d beg her on my hands and knees to leave - I feel her life and mine have been stolen by it. Sorry, am rambling a bit now- but please put your happiness first, it will be their happiness too I promise