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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DFiancée and Paranoia

49 replies

canyouimaginethat · 05/03/2020 23:00

We've been together for almost 4 years now, and I have never once cheated in my life nor have I given DFiancée any reason to suspect me of doing so.

For the past month or so, she has been accusing me of having an affair. This has all come to a head this morning when she actually made a snide comment to my colleague(he cycles to my place every morning to carpool) about the nature of our relationship. I'm so embarrassed, it's ridiculous!

I've tried having a discussion about this multiple times but it's like talking to a brick wall because all she does whenever I bring up this topic is walk away sometimes to the pub sometimes to smoke weed. Which by the way, is something she picked up several months ago which I hate but that's another issue altogether.

What do I do? We're mostly happy and it feels like such a waste to throw everything away just like that Sad

OP posts:
ColdToesHere · 05/03/2020 23:04

Weed and paranoia go hand in hand.
Get her to get rid of the weed and I guarantee you, the paranoia will stop too

Original poster
canyouimaginethat · 05/03/2020 23:26

I've tried, especially when she first picked it up. That conversation always turns into a huge argument however because she's adamant that it's harmless and that her smoking it is no different to anyone who goes home after work and has a glass of wine. It's not ideal but I've learnt to tolerate it. I didn't know about the link between weed and paranoia.

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 05/03/2020 23:31

You have to decide if you want to carry on in this relationship.

I wouldn't want to be with someone that smoked weed and became paranoid.

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 06/03/2020 01:18

I married someone exactly the same. The paranoia and accusations got worse - so much worse. Even a delusional disorder diagnosis from professionals, didn't do much to convince him otherwise. I'm still picking up the pieces of my life after trying to 'fix' him for 2 years after it started.

Original poster
canyouimaginethat · 06/03/2020 08:33

Another snide comment to my colleague this morning ffs I am actually so angry and ashamed right now.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/03/2020 08:50

"We're mostly happy and it feels like such a waste to throw everything away just like that"

You do not seem very happy at all, that is you putting a gloss on this. Her primary relationship is with weed and its not with you. What are you throwing away here exactly?. The second part of this sentence is you falling into the trap of the sunken costs fallacy. People get bogged down by focussing on their sunk costs. Do not do that to yourself.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Nothing good from what you write about it. Don’t block your own happiness and extend your pain out of an irrational desire to recoup what was.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/03/2020 09:05

It's not ideal but I've learnt to tolerate it
WHY?
Stop being a passenger in your own life.
This is not going to work.
You cannot continue like this.
It really is that simple.

Do some googling about weed and paranoia. It really is a thing.
And I would suggest she is judging you by her own standards and projecting.
Where did this weed thing come from?
A friend?
Someone introduced it to her and I would wonder if she was having relations with that person.
But..... End it anyway.
She needs to understand she cannot treat you or your colleague like this.
You are enabling her behaviour.
STOP IT!!!

hellsbellsmelons · 06/03/2020 09:05

Oh.... and google 'Sunk cost fallacy'

WhatHappenedThen · 06/03/2020 09:09

I'd call it quits. I presume you don't have kids and you aren't married. Get out while it's easy. You can't carry on in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you and with someone who thinks it's ok to say awful things about you to your work colleagues.

Good luck.

Woollycardi · 06/03/2020 09:10

The paranoia was there before the weed, the weed probably allowed it to come out. Decide now if you want to continue down a path that is going to go murky, or ask her to look at her behaviour, address the weed issue, and tackle her paranoia. If she won't then at least you will know where you stand.

Aloe6 · 06/03/2020 09:17

Get out now while you still can. This won’t get better.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 06/03/2020 09:25

Do not marry her. Why would you want this life? The weed would be a deal breaker for me.
Could there be a chance she has cheated and is deflecting blame?

Musti · 06/03/2020 10:21

Do not marry her. My ex was like this. I ended up changing how I was, only socialising in people's houses with the girls unless he came with me etc and he stop wasnt convinced

Original poster
canyouimaginethat · 09/03/2020 10:52

What the hell. I was just swiping through my phone and saw an app called 'Life 360' on the second page of the 'junk' folder on my iPhone. Did a bit of googling and apparently it's some location tracking app? How did it get on here? She doesn't know my PIN needed to unlock the phone!! How can I find out when it was installed and if it's something she uses frequently? Also does this work like Find my Friends where I'd get a notification whenever she 'pinged' me???

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 09/03/2020 12:03

I've no idea about that to be honest.
But this is another nail in the coffin - surely????????
Just dump and run OP.
We've all said the same thing.
What will it take before you take back control of YOUR life??

misskick · 09/03/2020 12:07

I've used that app on my sons phone to track where he is and also it tells you the route etc the person has been.

Original poster
canyouimaginethat · 09/03/2020 14:39

I know this is going to sound stupid but it's a very big decision and even though we're not married (I'm not going to marry her at this rate anyway), a lot of our life is tied up together and I wanted to at least have a proper talk first. I tried that yesterday but I ended up being not as calm as I'd like to be and she just fucked off mid conversation to smoke some more.

Currently the house is under my name. She's been here for 2 years, mainly only paid the bills not the mortgage, we've got our own accounts and another one for 'household expenses'. There's also the problem that she's a freelancer and because demand has been really slow for the past few months there's no way she'll be able to afford any rent somewhere else. She's not a bad person I don't know why it has gone to shit just like that.

OP posts:
champagneandfromage50 · 09/03/2020 14:43

So she is accusing you of affairs, mocking you to colleagues, put a tracker on your phone..... sorry but that would be the end for me

Original poster
canyouimaginethat · 09/03/2020 14:45

I've used that app on my sons phone to track where he is and also it tells you the route etc the person has been.

Once I delete the app it's gone right? That will 'unlink' her phone from tracking mine?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2020 14:49

Once I delete the app it's gone right? That will 'unlink' her phone from tracking mine?

We use it and yes, delete it and she won't be able to stalk you any more.

Goodness knows why you wouldn't just break up with her.

Eropsawlkasd23455 · 09/03/2020 14:51

@canyouimaginethat do you have an iPhone? If so you can see what date it was installed at least... if you got to App Store. Top right corner click on the person - this takes you to your account.
Then look on purchased, it’s not ones that have been paid for but every single ap that has been downloaded to your phone and to any other devices using your iCloud account. It tells you the date of installation

hellsbellsmelons · 09/03/2020 14:54

there's no way she'll be able to afford any rent somewhere else
Not your problem.
I assume she is a grown up and responsible for herself!!??
She will have to get a different to job.
Or a live in job.
Or move in with her drug supplier.
Or her friends or family.
Or present as homeless to the council.

She seems to have enough money to buy drugs!!
Are you bank rolling her as well?
Your house.
Pack up her shit and get her gone!
Your money is separate.
The house is yours.
So this isn't really true is it? a lot of our life is tied up together
You are making excuses and minimising.
STOP IT!!!!!

Original poster
canyouimaginethat · 09/03/2020 14:55

It feels so sudden I can't understand it. Back in January we were still trawling though Pinterest trying to decide if we should both wear dresses and other wedding stuff ffs!

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 09/03/2020 15:04

I would suggest that there is an inter-connectedness of everything here. Because there's less work she's smoking more, because she's smoking more she's not noticing the days slipping away from her and not chasing work aggressively enough. She might even be doing poor quality work compared to her previous standard and that's why she's not getting more. Also because she's working less and smoking more she has more time and imagination for her paranoia to kick in.

If you did feel that you needed to split up then I wouldn't wait for her to be in a better work position, because at the rate that she's going she might never be. She doesn't need to get her priorities straight and support herself financially because you are doing that for her. I'm not saying that you have to kick her onto the street penniless and without anywhere to go do, but I do think that it would be emotionally and financially expensive to allow an unhappy relationship to keep ticking over with no end date. It would probably be cheaper to make a financial offer (for instance gift her enough for rental deposit and first month's rent) than to spend several years waiting for her to be in the right position to move out.

Original poster
canyouimaginethat · 09/03/2020 15:09

It tells you the date of installation

Found the page and it said 18 Feb!! I've changed my PIN just in case but I'm new to iPhones and clueless. Is there anything else I need to do to prevent it from being installed again?

OP posts: