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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DFiancée and Paranoia

49 replies

canyouimaginethat · 05/03/2020 23:00

We've been together for almost 4 years now, and I have never once cheated in my life nor have I given DFiancée any reason to suspect me of doing so.

For the past month or so, she has been accusing me of having an affair. This has all come to a head this morning when she actually made a snide comment to my colleague(he cycles to my place every morning to carpool) about the nature of our relationship. I'm so embarrassed, it's ridiculous!

I've tried having a discussion about this multiple times but it's like talking to a brick wall because all she does whenever I bring up this topic is walk away sometimes to the pub sometimes to smoke weed. Which by the way, is something she picked up several months ago which I hate but that's another issue altogether.

What do I do? We're mostly happy and it feels like such a waste to throw everything away just like that

OP posts:

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 09/03/2020 15:13

Go into the password and security bit of settings and delete all the fingerprints, then put your own back on. Just in case.

Eropsawlkasd23455 · 09/03/2020 15:35

Is your iCloud linked to any other devices op?

combatbarbie · 09/03/2020 15:41

Is there anything else the iphone is connected too? If she has your number on her phone in settings she will also be receiving your texts. Took me and my husband ages to figure out why that was happening as we both had our own apple ids.

I wouldn't be surprised if her fingerprint in added onto your phone.... Delete them all and redo yours.

Original poster

canyouimaginethat · 09/03/2020 15:58

I've gone into settings, tapped on my name and it's just my phone listed there. Have deleted FaceID and reset that too.

If she has your number on her phone in settings she will also be receiving your texts.

How do I check this on my end?

OP posts:

lyingwanker · 09/03/2020 15:59

Yeah I'd delete any Face ID/fingerprint ID on your phone and just use passwords, create a new password that's totally random and different to anything you've used before. Make sure you change your password on Facebook, Apple ID, email etc as well. Do you have an iPad? Maybe your phone is connected to the iPad, mine is but there's an option not to have certain apps linked like messages and photos.

Lastly, you can't delete the find my friends app anymore, you used to be able to when it was a yellow logo but now it's green and blue and won't let you delete it. You can go onto the app and choose NOT to share your location though.

I mean, if you're having to go to these lengths to ensure you're not being stalked by your partner I'd really say you need to split up. She's being extremely controlling and it's not normal at all.

combatbarbie · 09/03/2020 16:03

Op you can't.... You need to see her phone although if she has done that you'd have got a notification pop up.... However she may have had your phone when she done this.

Original poster

canyouimaginethat · 09/03/2020 16:03

Before I reset it, under the reset button I saw 'An alternate appearance has already been set up.' How did she manage to do this?

OP posts:

Original poster

canyouimaginethat · 09/03/2020 16:06

No iPad, I'll be changing my passwords now.

OP posts:

combatbarbie · 09/03/2020 16:07

Do you use texts? If you have changed everything password wise and clicked log out of all logged in locations then that should be enough. I would checked your messenger/Facebook too though, there was a similar thread yesterday. I advised her to check messenger privacy-security & login settings and it showed an additional log in.

But as previous PPs have said, the relationship is now dead. You can't really come back from this I don't think.

Eropsawlkasd23455 · 09/03/2020 16:08

She’s set her face as the alternate Face ID, google says it’s possible.
You must have left your phone unlocked at some point and she’s been on . Deleting the Face ID and resetting it gets rid of the alternate too

KahlanRahl · 09/03/2020 16:11

I'f buy a new phone tbh. And please think about your future. It shouldn't be like this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2020 16:25

I mean, if you're having to go to these lengths to ensure you're not being stalked by your partner I'd really say you need to split up. She's being extremely controlling and it's not normal at all.

100% this.

Original poster

canyouimaginethat · 09/03/2020 16:43

Okay I've reset my passwords and clicked the mass log out button on sites that can do that. I've found a microsoft outlook account compromised 'what to do' page, followed the steps there and found a sign in from Firefox!! (I use Chrome)

Off work now and I'm really dreading going home.

OP posts:

2018SoFarSoGreat · 10/03/2020 01:34

Sorry OP. How horrible. Yep, it does not sound like this is something you can come back from. Hard as it is, best to end this.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 10/03/2020 02:26

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP, especially if it is quite a sudden and abrupt change in her personality.
You need to confront her about her spying on you, this would very much be a deal breaker for me, however if you aren't prepared to let go you need to have a serious conversation with her and work out why this sudden change, I'd also be telling her to quit smoking dope, at least for the time being to see if it has an effect on the extreme paranoia she is experiencing.
She isn't treating you how you deserve to be treated, stand up for yourself or she'll get worse.

DeeCeeCherry · 10/03/2020 02:50

Skunk weed paranoia. It's common with those smoking itm It won't change, only get worse. Even if she stops smoking, the effects can be lingering.

Re all the things you say she's doing, you nerd to face yourself honestly and ask why on earth you would stay with a person like this, much less want them for a life partner. Perhaps youre a 'Rescuer?'

You probably need to get rid. Leave her to her weed. It seems its more important to her than you are.

Skunk weed heads are a pain in the arse. Paranoid, broke & motivation-free. There are clinics to help, if you're minded to guide her that way. If she'll go.

BitOfFun · 10/03/2020 02:51

Weed and/or projection.

Notimefor · 10/03/2020 07:34

This app tracks your location - I had it for my teenager.

KittyJune · 10/03/2020 07:54

This is scary and it will NOT even stand a chance of getting better while she is smoking weed. Weed can trigger mental health conditions that the smoker wouldn’t have suffered if they had never started smoking weed. Or if she was already paranoid, the weed will amplify those feelings and make them worse and worse. I worked in a psychiatric unit and you’d be surprised how many people are in there because of weed use. Some get better, others don’t. She has a problem and what she has done is NOT normal or okay, it is scary. Honestly I’d be scared for your safety at this point - think what must be going on in her head for her to behave like this secretly? I’d advise giving her an ultimatum: weed, or you. I shudder to think of children being brought into this relationship as it is. She sounds quite unwell.

KittyJune · 10/03/2020 07:59

Also OP be prepared for her to see you uninstalling her app and logging out of everything as an admission of your guilt, that you’ve got something to hide

Wisteriacottage · 10/03/2020 08:13

Op do you realise how this is an absolute game changer?

Once a weed taker gets paranoid there is all manner of things in her imagination she will accuse you of from now on and unfortunately your being innocent won't make a blind bit of distance.

You need to get her out of the house and I know this is going to be emotionally difficult but you absolutely have no choice.

It wouldn't surprise anyone if she has bugged the house too.

She could accuse you of all sorts and even get you removed from your own home if it escalates so please be warned!

As she is unsuitable to have a family with ( god help any potential children) you do need to take decisive action now. Change the locks. Have zero tolerance. Do not pander to her.

Ignore us at your peril.

Wisteriacottage · 10/03/2020 08:14

*difference

PaterPower · 10/03/2020 08:28

You really need to tell her to leave.

This kind of paranoia only gets worse, particularly whilst she’s still smoking that shit. It’s not your responsibility to sort her problems out, you won’t be successful anyway and you shouldn’t try.

Tell her you want her gone by the end of the weekend and confirm it in writing (text or email). Don’t back down and make sure you change the locks when she leaves. If she hasn’t left by Sunday afternoon ask the Police to intervene.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship (alcohol rather than weed) and I wish I’d listened to similar advice.

Wisteriacottage · 10/03/2020 12:15

Since I work in the field just don't even try to continue unless you are a qualified mental health practitioner no matter how much you might be in love and want to help. She has to be the one who recognises her paranoia and wants to stop smoking this stuff and even then you'll never be 100% sure she is telling the truth. Sorry op, at least you have got your get out clause before you sign on the dotted line....

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