What to do...

[Farnworth53]

Hi all,
Would really like to hear from a ladies perspective if what I'm about to say is similar to what I'll be asking - guys if you want to comment then great and I welcome and thank everyone now for taking time to read my predicament

Long story short, last summer I asked my wife if everything is ok - noticed a sea change in her, no affection, little communication, didn't want to spend time with me etc total opposite to what I'd had/known during our 14 years together. she wrote me a letter explaining she didn't care about me in that way anymore and we should separate. Cue me having a meltdown and being clingy in the vain attempt to save my marriage.

Turns out she was having an affair with her work colleague, all the red flags were there - new hair, new underwear, hiding phones and the smoking gun - emergency contraception pill box in her bag, she said it was her friends! Anyway this other guy left his wife the same time we split up and I believe they're an item even though they're still trying to keep it so work doesn't find out.

My question I need help with answering is this. How do I get her back from this guy? I admit I'm guilty of being complacent in our marriage at times and he must be a charmer and turned her head but I'm still madly in love with her and so want to be a family again.

I know this will throw open a huge spectrum of answers but I would really like to hear from women who have 'run off' so to speak. What would it have taken for your ex to have got you back? What do I need to do to prove she made the wrong decision for me and our son. If he had done this then... kind of thing. I know no two relationships are the same but if I get some consensus it's somewhere to start my challenge.

Like I said I'm still madly in love with my wife and would do anything to resolve the matter. I'm sure there's loads of couples who have gone through this and much worse yet come out the other side a more committed unit.

Thanks for reading folks

If she doesn't love you anymore I don't think anything you do will get her back. Plus she has gone behind your back so even if you did get back together there would be trust issues.
I know your heart broken but I dont think your thinking straight. Time to move on. It'll hurt but for the best by sounds of it.

OK, you need to find your self-respect.
Clingy, whiny men are a real turn off.
Clingy, whiny anyone, is a real turn off.

Listen to your wife.
Respect what she wants.
That unfortunately, is not you.
There is nothing you can do. You have to accept this and move on with your life.
When she realises you aren't begging or stroking her ego any more and she realises what she has lost. Then, she might reconsider.
But that won't happen while you are in this head space.

She's cheated on you.
She's lied to you.
She's deceived you.
She doesn't respect you.
You may love her but you should definitely want better for yourself!
Pick up your self-esteem and get out there and enjoy your freedom.

What is the current living situation?

He's done you a favour.........

OP I'm sorry but she doesn't want you to win her back. If she did she'd have made it easy for you.

It's hard when you love someone who no longer loves you back but there's nothing you can do.

Get the divorce done and be respectful if you can.

She's not coming back mate. Move on. Hard I know, but you'll get there.

Oh, mate. If she feels that way, she feels that way. Even if she did come back, it'd probably all happen all over again.

Thanks for your answers so far folks, refreshing to read. maybe I'm in denial??

hellsbellsmelons - currently back living at my parents house! She couldn't get me out of our marital home quick enough

It’s like a death - the life as you knew it is over and you can’t just click your fingers and get over her. It will take time, but you need to stop trying to win her back. It sounds like her decision has been made and she’s actually been pretty brutal about it.

You will be doing the best thing for yourself and your son to hold your head high and move on. Concentrate your energy on being the very best dad you can to your son.

I could never have gone back to my ex - fundamentally I didn’t respect him because his moral code was a bit askew, he was lazy and had no foresight nor ambition and really importantly I never fancied him because I got with him so young I hadn’t known myself or what I wanted in a relationship. My head wouldn’t have been turned if he had been right for me (we weren’t married but had been together a decade - when I thought he was going to ask me to marry him I cried and cried which was a bit of a sign - I had stayed with him through codependency and fear of leaving but the thought of spending the rest of my life with him actually made me feel trapped and depressed like an eternal dreary monotony). Conversely, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and married for 10 and whilst kids and redundancies and my ex abandoning our son has been distressing and challenging at times, my husband is without a doubt still the only man I want to be with, want to chat to constantly and still lust after and butterflies in my womb (crazy but I still do - def expect that to fade at some point) - and I feel so incredibly, incredibly lucky to have that. I wish I had had the guts to leave my ex more cleanly and cause him less pain. And, aside from his woefully non-existent parenting, would wish him only happiness in life.
Sometimes people move on and you can’t win them back. And that’s okay - you just have to recognise you’ll be treading a different path to the one you expected- and hopefully it’ll be better!

Although Shesgot is absolutely right that it’s a grieving process first.

I would suggest your next step is to see a solicitor.
Is there equity in the house?
How many DC do you have?
I would not have moved out though.
SHE did this and the consequences should be hers - not yours!
But if you have DC then you do need to be amicable so get some legal advice and start divorce proceedings.
Do you both earn similar amounts?
Similar pensions?
Any other assets?
Start to really look at finances.
You can't stay with your parents long term and will need your own home.

Hiya. It sounds like she has been emotionally checked out of the marriage for a while before it ended honestly if she feels this way I think you need to respect her decision and let her go as difficult as it will be for you at first. I know that's not the the answer that you wanted to hear. Im sorry that you are having such a tough time but you won't always feel like this. Best wishes to you.

Dont try and win her back. Even if she came back the relationship would be so unhealthy and you'd never trust again. Makes for a miserable life.

Shes had her head turned, yes, - leave her to it, shes cheated and lied. She didnt even think of you while all this was going on. She doesnt deserve you. It will hurt, badly, for some time but you WILL come out the other side and be happy again. She may regret what she did when the adrenaline and excitement starts to fade. Then it's her time to feel the pain...... be strong , be brave, and leave her to it. Own YOUR life, learn from this. You'll meet someone new and life will go on but dont try and fix something once that level of betrayal is involved, it's like putting a plaster over a broken back. X

You can't get her back. She might have made the "wrong" decision for you, but it was the right decision for her.
It might be that once the excitement of the affair and sneaking around, and having someone new has worn off, she might realise he's just a cheater and as boring as everyone else now they're in a real relationship and have bills and childcare and reality to deal with. Then their relationship may break down. But even so, it's unlikely she will want to get back with you, if she was sure enough to end it. But, hopefully by then you will wise up to the fact that a relationship with her would be a very bad thing for you, you can't trust her at all, she has no regard for your feelings, no respect for you. How horrible would that be! You can't get back what you had, ever. You may have a small chance of trying something new with her but it will definitely be shit. Move on, you can do better.

It's really soul destroying when the person you think you would be with for the rest of your life changes right in front of your eyes!! I firmly believe that if she hadn't been given a new role at work, they never would have me and we would still be together.

Bythebeach - you describe what our relationship was, even this time last year I remember her saying that about me at a girls party one night.

I've been reading all sorts on forums including this one, a topic about 'Do you regret leaving your partner for another man?' and that's what has spurred me to write the above. I want our marriage to work, I want the future dreams we made to happen but it's all me and I really should accept she chose to end it!

I don't know if it's a man thing but I feel like he has stolen her from me if that makes sense and in the process my confidence and pride has been erased. I'm blaming myself a lot for not taking her out more and do couple things but she made no signs that she was unhappy yet all of a sudden they go out to concerts and the like. He earns less than me, he just carries coffins and I'm a firefighter and I know a job isnt the be all and end all but when I weigh everything up and listen to her friends it's the same conclusion that it's definitely a downgrade! So this is why I think right what's done is done, in the past - how do I make her regret all this? Pretend it doesn't effect me, start seeing a girl to somehow make her jealous? I'd do anything really no matter how hard it is or how long it takes

@Farnworth53 the last thing you should do is use someone else to make her jealous.
Firstly, she probably wouldn't even care, but secondly, and much more importantly, why should some poor woman waste time and energy on a man who's just using her?

You won't get her back, sorry OP. She is gone and you need to accept that. Move on.

It doesn't matter what job he is in or how much he earns.
She appears to love him so none of that matters.
Don't focus on that.
Focus on YOU!
Not HER!
Stop trying to think of ways to make her 'jealous' or 'win her back'
Work on YOU!!!!
Never ever use another person for your own gain.
That's truly vile and very unfair.

Get out there.
Get to the gym.
Find a counsellor to work on your self-esteem.
Get out and about with friends.
Go away somewhere.
Join a club.
Just keep busy and the rest will follow.

I wouldn't use another person in that way anyway.

To be honest even if the most attractive woman in the world was in front of me I wouldn't do anything as I would feel as if I'd be cheating on my wife

❤ i really felt for you reading this.

I don't know the answer, but IMO I would suggest focusing on you rather than what YOU can do to rekindle your relationship. I know it is hard and I know it consumes all your thoughts.

I hope everything works out for you, sometimes these things happen and can be worked through but other times it just means we have a new chapter to start in life.

All the best x

You won’t get her back, she’s moved on.
Do things for yourself, even if you have to fake it to make it to start with. You will gradually begin to imagine a life without her.

It's like a death, you have lost someone you love. You will grieve. You will wish you can reverse the loss, make it like it never happened, have your life back.

But you can't, it's hard but you have to accept that and slowly you will come through it.

Concentrate on yourself, get counselling, be the best Dad you can be.

I'm sorry, all the best

She wasn't stolen, because a) she's not a possession and b) she acted of her own volition and she is the one you should be blaming.

You said that the 'most attractive woman in the world' couldn't turn your head. That is how it is when you love someone - love means having care and respect for them as a person. She cared and respected you so little that she lied and betrayed you countless times - yet you want her back?

She's told you she doesn't love you. She's demonstrated she doesn't love you. All that is left is for you to accept that - because even if she ended it with the other man tomorrow, the way she has treated you proves that she doesn't love you.

Thanks folks for your replies. Once I re read everything I kind of see it from a different perspective.

ChristmasFluff - I never intended my comment to come across like she was some sort of possession, she was far more than that to me, it was hard to describe what I felt happened. Thank you folks also for the encouragement, I will focus on myself and get better, strange as I've never really done any of that before and I'm fast approaching 40 !! My job and my disposition means I always put others before myself - including my wife and my son. I'll have to learn about self care and all that. I have no alternative but to move forward really, but am I being selfish and bitter by saying to myself 'she'll regret this one day'

but am I being selfish and bitter by saying to myself 'she'll regret this one day'

It's not selfish or bitter. It's a completely normal reaction.

Just focus on being in a place where it no longer affects you when she does.