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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

49 replies

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 11:49

Hi everyone. This is my first post.
I have been with my partner for 7 years (living together for 3 years) and we have always argued about petty things.
Our recent argument was because he was moaning about my 8 year old daughter (she is not his) running up the stairs. I defended her as it's like my kids aren't allowed to do anything. He immediately said 'it's dangerous woman' so I got really angry like he was being patronising. He is saying he has done nothing wrong. This argument has turned into 4 days of not speaking. I got upset this morning and called him and he just either put the phone down on me or left it next to the cd player in the car so all I heard was music. I don't know what to do. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 05/03/2020 11:51

Why would you continue the relationship?
No reason to think he won't get worse.

Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 11:54

I have low confidence and feel like I deserve it. He makes me feel like it's me in the wrong

OP posts:
champagneandfromage50 · 05/03/2020 11:55

It sounds like he is another child. Not a very good role model for your DC. I wouldn't have someone like that around my DC. Going into huffs and not speaking for days. Pathetic

Hidingtonothing · 05/03/2020 12:10

This jumped out at me OP, it's like my kids aren't allowed to do anything, I would be worried this isn't a good environment for your DC if that's how he makes you (and likely them too) feel. Even if you did deserve it (you don't!) your DC definitely don't, use that fact to give you strength.

What's your housing and employment situation? How easy would leaving/kicking him out be? It's understandable that low self esteem/confidence causes us to put up with being treated badly ourselves but it's different when your DC are being damaged, I would be seriously thinking about how to get them away from him.

dustibooks · 05/03/2020 12:13

It's not you, it's him. He is clearly the one who is causing you to have low confidence, and is making you feel in the wrong all the time.

You wouldn't feel like that at all if he was a nice, loving, kind bloke, and didn't treat you like this.

This is verbal and emotional abuse, and perhaps you need to think about whether you should carry on in this relationship. It won't just be you he is affecting, it will be your dc too, so do you want your dc to grow up thinking this sort of thing is normal?

Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 12:26

My employment situation is good and I have a stable and well paid job. We are currently renting a house so it is fairly easy to get out of. Sounds daft but I know deep down that I deserve better but it's really difficult to get out of. I ensure my kids know they are able to be children and they are perfectly good kids even if one is a 12 year old typical boy who doesn't listen and I try and carry on as normal with them and leave him to be miserable

OP posts:
Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 12:30

I get to the point with him that I don't want to speak to him either. He will then make me a cup of tea or something and he will expect everything to be ok. I can't just carry on like nothings happened so maybe I'm in the wrong for that and should accept that as his apology?

OP posts:
Manyminieggs · 05/03/2020 12:42

For fucks' sake. Never mind your boo hoo low self esteem. You're a MOTHER. You said it yourself this man is getting at your children. Grow up and put them first. Just end it and get him the fuck away from you and your kids. Why do some women pander to these low life wankers?

mamato3lads · 05/03/2020 12:44

Hanging phone up or leaving it next to the CD player

That's manipulative and bullying and really quite cunt-ish. He knows it.will.upset you

Stop.pandering to this prick

merryhouse · 05/03/2020 12:58

It's good to hear you have employment and feel you can leave.

Now you just need to realise that it might be a good idea.

It actually doesn't matter who is "in the wrong" (though I agree he sounds both pathetic and abusive). Your relationship is not a good one and it's not making you happy (to say nothing of how it's affecting your children). That's all you need to say to him.

If he tries to argue, just repeat - I'm not happy with the relationship. It's not a good one.

If he says that's your fault because you're [selfish, irresponsible, annoying, hysterical, whatever] just say okay. Point out that that means he'll be happier out of it too.

You don't need permission or agreement to end a relationship.

Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 13:08

@manyminieggs Thanks for that. Be kind

I know what I have to do. I will get there in the end

OP posts:
IceColdCat · 05/03/2020 13:13

He's in the wrong for so many reasons.

Firstly moaning at your DD for running up the stairs. Wtf? What's wrong with that?
Secondly calling you 'woman' - I agree that is patronising and unnecessary.
Thirdly not admitting he's in the wrong.
Fourthly not speaking to you for days.
Fifthly not engaging when you try to make up.

Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 13:14

Thanks for the advice everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 13:18

Thanks @IceColdCat How can these men think they are doing nothing wrong?

OP posts:
Manyminieggs · 05/03/2020 13:58

Sometimes kind works, sometimes someone needs a rocket up their ass. While you're getting there, your kids are suffering. You are suffering. You can change that. You really can.

Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 14:07

@Manyminieggs I can assure you that my kids are not suffering. Its usually me that gets the grief not them.
You are right that I am suffering and I will change that

OP posts:
user1423578854468 · 05/03/2020 14:12

They still have to live in that environment and hear what is happening.

Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 14:20

But they are not 'suffering'!

OP posts:
Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 14:22

The most they deal with is my partner leaving for work early and coming home late. That is all. I am pretty sure that doesn't mean my kids are suffering.

OP posts:
opticaldelusion · 05/03/2020 14:23

Its usually me that gets the grief not them

So they get it sometimes?

purpleboy · 05/03/2020 14:25

Do you really think they don't pick up on the tension in the 4 days you haven't spoken. What do you think they are learning about relationships if that is what they are witnessing in their own home? Don't underestimate what these children and seeing, hearing and feeling.

Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 14:27

My kids do get told off when they are doing something wrong. What kid doesn't @opticaldelusion?

I know they pick up on things as I did when I was younger with my parents. I can assure you I wasn't suffering.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 05/03/2020 14:31

Angry 'woman.' WTF?

He sounds a really stroppy cunt who will be causing you (and to an extent your kids- on one level they will be aware of this) a lot of anxiety. It's not good for all of your health. You don't deserve this, free yourself and your kids from this environment.

Original poster
foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 14:34

I came on here for advice on whether my partner was in the wrong or if I was being unreasonable.

@ purpleboy Maybe they are learning that adults don't always get on and actually we sometimes don't like each other. I am not saying that not speaking for 4 days is what I want my kids to see as 'normal' because it isn't.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 05/03/2020 14:34

I don't know what you witnessed as a child, but could it be history repeating itself? I'd also say that not everyone reacts in the same way so just because things didn't affect you, doesn't mean they won't affect your children, not having a go just food for thought.