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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

49 replies

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 11:49

Hi everyone. This is my first post.
I have been with my partner for 7 years (living together for 3 years) and we have always argued about petty things.
Our recent argument was because he was moaning about my 8 year old daughter (she is not his) running up the stairs. I defended her as it's like my kids aren't allowed to do anything. He immediately said 'it's dangerous woman' so I got really angry like he was being patronising. He is saying he has done nothing wrong. This argument has turned into 4 days of not speaking. I got upset this morning and called him and he just either put the phone down on me or left it next to the cd player in the car so all I heard was music. I don't know what to do. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 05/03/2020 14:36

Of course your kids are suffering, they are living in a toxic environment with an emotionally abusive step father. Stop kidding yourself and get on with it!

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 14:36

@NoMoreDickheads Firstly, love the name!! Secondly, I will be getting myself out.

OP posts:

purpleboy · 05/03/2020 14:36

X post I think he sounds really childish, but only you know where your boundaries lie, for me I wouldn't put up with being ignored for 4 days, that must make you feel really shit.

copperoliver · 05/03/2020 14:38

You have low self confidence because of him. Tell him to leave and be happy and more confident with your child.
You and your child deserve better. He is a bully. Please ask him to leave or better still message him and tell him. Leave his stuff on the door step and with a note to say don't worry hi don't worry you don't have to speak to me ever again. X

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 14:41

@purpleboy just an arsehole of a dad who didn't treat my mum very well. I will be getting out to protect my kids.

@CodenameVillanelle To me 'suffering' is a strong word. They are not being beaten, starved or emotionally abused by anyone. yes the environment is sometimes (not all the time) toxic between 2 adults and I know this needs to change

OP posts:

purpleboy · 05/03/2020 14:43

It's good you recognise you need to leave, for your sake just as much as the kids. You don't need that shit in your life, you deserve so much better.

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 14:45

@purpleboy I know I deserve better. Sometimes it takes time to realise you are actually worth more.

OP posts:

Manyminieggs · 05/03/2020 14:57

Sorry if I've missed it, but what's your situation wrt housing etc? Are you able to turf him out?

purpleboy · 05/03/2020 14:58

Yes it's not always that easy to recognise, especially if things are good in other areas of the relationship, you tend to make allowances for some shitty behaviour, which slowly increases until, you find yourself in a WTF situation and wonder how you even got there in the first place. Good thing is you know your worth more and you can decide how to move forward with that. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 14:59

@Manyminieggs We are in rented so no mortgage etc involved. Easy to get out of so its just a case of taking the plunge if you like.

OP posts:

Manyminieggs · 05/03/2020 15:00

Sorry ignore that, I've seen it upthrrad. You can DO this. Spend the next few days getting your shit together. Look at rentals. Gather paperwork, apply for whatever you need to apply for as a single person etc. You and your children are worth it. You will have such a happy peaceful home without this knobend.

Manyminieggs · 05/03/2020 15:01

Plunge life for all it's worth. Can you maybe ring your landlord and explain the situation and get the rental agreement changed to your name only?

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 15:03

@purpleboy yes the relationship is good most of the time and the 'woman' comment was a shock. I will be putting more effort into myself in future

OP posts:

Manyminieggs · 05/03/2020 15:03

I just have this beautiful vision of you and your DC, happy in your home, and him calling you to try to wheedle his awful way back into your life...I see you picking up the phone, and leaving it next to the CD player 😁

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/03/2020 15:04

He is training you by punishing you for standing up to him. He’s waiting until you crack (which you have by phoning him repeatedly crying).
He knows he has you where he wants you now. He can behave unreasonably (telling a child off for running up the stairs is unreasonable - everybody runs up the stairs and as for it being “dangerous” that is his pathetic justification for being a controlling arse), and if you stand up to him you will get the silent treatment and psychological warfare until you’ve learned your lesson.

Are you willing to put up with that or are you going to tell him to leave? That’s the decision you have to make as it’s doubtful he’ll change. I bet this is just one example of his controlling behaviour.

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 15:06

@Manyminieggs I have been saving to buy a property and I am not far off that so I know I can absolutely do this and I have been on my own before so all good. I will move back home and save a little more and move on

OP posts:

PorpentinaScamander · 05/03/2020 15:08

I didn't realise how much my exes 'nit picking' (can't think of a better phrase) affected my DC until he left. He was always moaning about minor things with them. Moaning to me. And then telling me I was too soft if I didn't pick them up on it.

I'm amazed at how much happier they are since he left. I honestly didnt realise how much he affected them.

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 15:10

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes I did crack and it did upset me which I could kick myself for. He hasn't been in contact all day so I won't be cracking again. I don't even know what the hell was going through his head when she was running upstairs. Thankfully she just carried on and I don't even think she heard him. The bonus of kids not listening. I will be telling him to leave

OP posts:

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 15:12

@PorpentinaScamander Your ex sounds like my partner. He moans about ridiculous things that all kids do. Yes I get 'you let them get away with too much' which I don't and I do discipline them when needed but they are good kids so not needed a lot. Was your ex their dad or step dad?

OP posts:

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 15:19

@Manyminieggs I almost missed your comment hahaha. This is absolutely what I would LOVE to do

OP posts:

PorpentinaScamander · 05/03/2020 15:32

He was their step dad.
Weirdly enough all the things he used to moan about his Mum and step dad said he did when he was the same age. I guess he doesn't remember being an annoying teen

Good luck with it all

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 15:35

@PorpentinaScamander Sounds familiar. Thank you

OP posts:

Runmybathforme · 05/03/2020 15:42

Sorry, but you’re wrong about your children not suffering. Of course they have to learn that people don’t always get along, but they should also learn how arguments should be resolved, how we treat each other with respect, even whenever we fall out. They are witnessing days of sulking, and your DP’s lack of respect, not to mention your own lack of self respect.

Original poster

foxxx1985 · 05/03/2020 16:09

@Runmybathforme Thanks for your comment

OP posts:

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