I feel so down and don’t know what to do. Please help.

[Nonstopmummaoffour]

I have been married now for 17 years and have 4 beautiful children. My husband has always been the jealous type and I have just ‘put up with it’. However over the last few years it has become much worse. The way he treats me makes me feel so horrible, like I have cheated on him when I haven’t...he will ignore me completely sometimes or constantly say I have someone else. He checks my mobile when he can..he has my fb messenger app on his phone so he can see who messages me and obviously who I message. I will admit about maybe 13 years ago an old college flame of mine contacted me on fb and yes we did chat, he was flirty but I always brushed it under the carpet as I just wasn’t interested in him that way, in fact he went on after that to date a friend of mine. Back then my husband was quite aggressive and pushed a hole through my airing cupboard just above my head where I was standing because of all of this. At around the same time he and his family didn’t want me to have anything to do with my mum as she used to constantly slag them off behind their backs-I found this very difficult as I was only 21 and she is still my mum. I didn’t speak to her for a year. Back to the present day, I do speak to my mum now, my husband still doesn’t like her, yes she makes mistakes but she’s still my mum...my husband recently took out loans that have caused us to get into so much debt, loans and credit cards that I knew nothing about. In the last 13 years I have had one message on my fb from another male friend who is actually a family friend who is also married, the message again was a flirty one but due to embarrassment I ignored the message and nothing came of it...but it’s just added to my husbands paranoia/jealousy. Anyway my husbands debt has caused me to look for a new job, I now have a new job, due to start soon and I am really looking forward to it as it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but never got round to it due to the kids and other commitments. The job involves working in a hotel overnight and now my husband is making comments like, oh I know why you want to work there so you can stay in one of their rooms with your boyfriend...if I’m on my WhatsApp, it’s like he’s checking to see if I’m online...I’ll get a message from him saying online? Boyfriend? He’ll moan that I’m on social media a lot but that’s because I also own my own business where I need to advertise and answer messages. If I’m positive about something then he quick to put me down and find a negative about it. I was so excited to get this job and now I’m not sure...I feel like I’m walking on egg shells around him, I feel like I can’t look at my phone around him, I feel like I can’t talk to people on the phone infront of him as I know he’ll ear wig. I’m not doing anything wrong but he makes me feel like I am! The jealousy is overbearing, if I go out which is very rare then I get comments like oh your wearing that for the other one...he’ll bring up the past fb messages infront of my kids...in general he’s quite a negative person. Believe it or not but I do really care for him and love him so much but I’m finding all this really hard to deal with. What do I do? No matter how much I reassure him, he just can’t accept the truth.

You love what exactly? The fact that hes making your life extremely difficult, ruining your enjoyment of your job, controlling and monitoring every aspect of your communication with others, the hurtful comments?? What is it that's so loveable because from your post he sounds like a jealous, paranoid pain in the arse.

You cant live like this! You shouldn't live like this.

I just feel we have been through so much together and from a very young age. He is a very caring person and I know he would give the absolute world for his family and kids. He works very hard from early mornings to night for us...we have the same sense of humour and he does make me laugh when he’s not being a jealous idiot! He does have his good qualities, it’s just the jealousy that is ruining things. This is why I am finding it hard, I can’t resolve this, if he doesn’t change then what am I supposed to do? Split up a family? Be the bad guy? What would you do?

I can’t resolve this, if he doesn’t change then what am I supposed to do? Split up a family? Be the bad guy? What would you do?

Yes I’d split up the family over this. It’s not normal behaviour, it’s abusive. He’s isolated you from your mum, been physically aggressive and intimidating (that hole in the airing cupboard was a warning that it could be your face if you don’t behave) and his paranoia and jealousy is most likely projection - he’s accusing you because I’d bet my bollocks that he’s having inappropriate conversations with other women on his messenger, so he’s accusing you of doing the same. That way if you ever find out, he has his ‘tit for tat’ argument all lined up. “Well you’ve been chatting to that other guy so what do you expect me to do?”

Seriously he sounds very unpleasant. Of course not all the time. They never are. Otherwise you’d definitely leave. But you need to have a read about emotional abuse, look at the Freedom Programme online (cover your tracks, use private browsing - especially when posting on here - in case he’s checking up on you)

You deserve better. You should be excited about your new job not feeling worried that he’s trying to sabotage it. Could you still do it without him at home looking after the DCs?

Ill be totally honest, he sounds an absolute wanker and making your life miserable with his abusive behaviour. Why are you tolerating this?

pressed post too soon.
I understand how difficult it can be, my ex was jealous (not quite that bad) and i did eventually leave.
But it sounds like you have had this for many years

He sounds like a nightmare, how suffocating. I bet you have to have the location on your phone turned on as well don't you so he always know where you are. I couldn't stay in a situation like that. That aside, often paranoid behaviour is deflection, maybe he's the one messing around. Either way, I'd be leaving him, he sounds awful.

Ugh! He's making your life miserable because you can't really have a life or do what you want to do- even chat to people.

You deserve a life- time to make the break. xxx

This post makes me unbelievably sad for you and actually quite scared
❤️

It's so sad to read this.

Tell him. You've never cheated. You never will cheat. If he carries on with this jealous, paranoid bullshit you'll walk.

You're online on social media to make money for your family. You're starting a new job to try to pay off the debt that he built up.

His jealousy stinks of guilt.

Make it very clear this is his last chance.

Thank you everyone for your comments...yes it does feel extremely suffocating 😔 even yesterday I was on the toilet for goodness sake (with the door open, I will add!) on my phone catching up with work messages on WhatsApp...when he appears in the bathroom and says oh you’ve come off WhatsApp now have you? You heard the reclining sofa shut so you came off WhatsApp straight away! Basically saying I was hiding something. Yes I came off what’s app as I had finished but I was still on my phone checking my e-mails. I even showed him my WhatsApp whilst sitting on the toilet! It’s like he’s on guard and ready to attack at any moment!

In answers to some of your questions-I probably couldn’t do my job without him here...I have minimum help family wise with childcare.

I have warned him before that I’ll walk, it’s never worked as you can see...I’m still here...I guess I’m not sure if I’m ready to be on my own. I say I’ll leave him and then don’t go through with it as the overwhelming sadness kicks in and I just can’t do it. He puts the water works on and starts telling me how much he loves me, the kids get upset and I just end up still being here...

You don't sound safe to me.

This is so very far from ok.

In fact what he’s doing comes under coercive control which is illegal.

And I bet my last fiver he cheats on you, sorry to be blunt.

I bet he's cheated on you too...projecting his paranoia into you.

How you have lived like this is absolutely beyond me.
I would say he's projecting and judging you by his own standards.
But honestly, he just sounds fucking abusive and controlling.
Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this.

Your DC are learning awful relationship lessons from you.
Get the book - Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.
You will find you abusive husband in there.
He has also plunged the whole family into huge debt.
Why the hell haven't you left him yet?
NONE of this is OK.

You would do well to call Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme.

Best to attend in person but with this guy it might be risky so you can do it on-line.
But make an exit plan and run!!!!
Far and fast!

What Hellsbellsmelons wrote.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your mother treated like this by your dad, was your own upbringing really sheltered?. How old were you when you crossed paths?.

Punching holes in walls is also an example of domestic violence. And his behaviour re your mother was also abusive in nature; he deliberately isolated you from one area of support. That is precisely also what abusive men do.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You are not the only one here affected by his abuses of you; they are too.

You need to ask yourself why you have not left him to date. His needs here are not more important than yours.

You can only change how you react to him; he won't change and he gets what he wants out of this relationship by controlling you on a tight leash as he has done and continues to do.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You have all been abused by this man for years. It was probably his idea in the main to have this number of children too, he has wanted to keep you both barefoot and pregnant. The mountain of debt he has now built up is also deliberate in intent, all this from him here is all designed to keep you trapped, controlled and without a voice.

Womens Aid are certainly worth contacting here; you need to plan your exit from your abuser with due care and attention. And this time too stick to it and not fall for his crocodile tears. He does not know the meaning of the word love and what you are describing here is certainly is not a mutually loving and respectful relationship.

What is there to love about this man at all?.

Are you confusing love here with codependency?.

Walking on eggshells OP is code for living in fear. That is really what you (and in turn your kids) are doing here; you are doing everything possible so as to try not to set this volcano of a man off. But he keeps moving the goalposts about so whatever you do and say is not enough for him and will never be enough.

His own family are like him, they are abusive too. The rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family of origin.

I would also think it a given now that he will actively sabotage all and every attempt you now make to get back into the workplace; infact this has already happened. This is probably also why you have run a business from home. He will not let you out.

You are in a cage of his own paranoid making. You have a choice re this man, they do not. Make better choices for you and they going forward because what you have tried to date has not and will not work either. You have to follow through re leaving him, there is really no other option.

Since when was this kind of behaviour acceptable. You seriously do not want your kids growing up thinking this is the norm and treating their partners like this or being a doormat.
Get out while you can.

He's abusive. Entirely. I doubt he loves you. He certainly doesn't seem to like the idea that you're a person in your own right. I expect when you start this new job he will make it so difficult for you that you give it up. Not to mention him punching a wall near your head is domestic violence.

I very much doubt your mum has done much wrong at all. Your partner has just done a number on you.

Honestly every post about a controlling arse of a man has a quote like this:
He is a very caring person and I know he would give the absolute world for his family and kids
A good dad doesn’t punch walls, stalk his wife and run up secret debt and bully his wife in front of his kids.

Would would I do? Bin him, and create a better life for myself and kids.
Do you think he's having an affair himself and projecting it onto you?
He's not a good dad.

My ex was like this but not even as bad.

I left him. It was really hard. The worst part for me was that he never seemed to understand that his jealousy wasn't just his problem, it was life ruining and soul destroying for me, it kills something inside you when you're constantly being called a liar, when your heart sinks from things like a man glancing at you in public, I used to try on clothes and decide not to buy/wear them because it wasn't worth it, etc.

I am an honest person to my core and couldn't live with deceiving anyone, much least my husband. To be constantly accused of being the opposite of who I was, by someone who was meant to know and love me, was exhausting. Exhausting isn't even the right word. It hurt my heart.

I had to go. My new partner is nothing like this. It's heaven.

Wishing you the best op. I know how hard it is. Knowing that you will be forever the bad guy, because ex believes that I left him "for" someone else and I am sure he tells everyone that. I didn't... I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't cope, it was too much to ask of me to spend my life defending myself, from someone who was meant to love me.

This is coercive abuse. You need to leave as soon as you can, this is not safe. Do not warn him, do not threaten him to leave. Pick a safe place, pack a small bag and take your children and cut contact. Aso contact Women's Aid as a soon as possible.

I just feel we have been through so much together and from a very young age.

Look up sunk cost fallacy. It's never worth it.

He's a bully who is harassing you in your own home, stalking your online activity from the room next door.

That's controlling and obsessive. It isn't love.

It's sad to hear you speak about this because I don't think you realise how badly you're being treated.

Really hope you can try to think through options and plan leaving this dickhead

He is a very caring person
No. He’s controlling and abusive. He has conditioned you to think he is caring.

I know he would give the absolute world for his family and kids.
But he doesn’t though does he? Emotional stability? You need that but he’s not giving you it. He’s not supporting you with work. All of this in front of the children too? He might provide in terms of working and money, but that isn’t the most important thing.

You need to think about your future. Do you really want your children subject to his emotional abuse? Do you want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life? No amount of history is worth a life just existing and hoping for happy times in between the shit.