I feel so down and don’t know what to do. Please help.

[Nonstopmummaoffour]

I have been married now for 17 years and have 4 beautiful children. My husband has always been the jealous type and I have just ‘put up with it’. However over the last few years it has become much worse. The way he treats me makes me feel so horrible, like I have cheated on him when I haven’t...he will ignore me completely sometimes or constantly say I have someone else. He checks my mobile when he can..he has my fb messenger app on his phone so he can see who messages me and obviously who I message. I will admit about maybe 13 years ago an old college flame of mine contacted me on fb and yes we did chat, he was flirty but I always brushed it under the carpet as I just wasn’t interested in him that way, in fact he went on after that to date a friend of mine. Back then my husband was quite aggressive and pushed a hole through my airing cupboard just above my head where I was standing because of all of this. At around the same time he and his family didn’t want me to have anything to do with my mum as she used to constantly slag them off behind their backs-I found this very difficult as I was only 21 and she is still my mum. I didn’t speak to her for a year. Back to the present day, I do speak to my mum now, my husband still doesn’t like her, yes she makes mistakes but she’s still my mum...my husband recently took out loans that have caused us to get into so much debt, loans and credit cards that I knew nothing about. In the last 13 years I have had one message on my fb from another male friend who is actually a family friend who is also married, the message again was a flirty one but due to embarrassment I ignored the message and nothing came of it...but it’s just added to my husbands paranoia/jealousy. Anyway my husbands debt has caused me to look for a new job, I now have a new job, due to start soon and I am really looking forward to it as it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but never got round to it due to the kids and other commitments. The job involves working in a hotel overnight and now my husband is making comments like, oh I know why you want to work there so you can stay in one of their rooms with your boyfriend...if I’m on my WhatsApp, it’s like he’s checking to see if I’m online...I’ll get a message from him saying online? Boyfriend? He’ll moan that I’m on social media a lot but that’s because I also own my own business where I need to advertise and answer messages. If I’m positive about something then he quick to put me down and find a negative about it. I was so excited to get this job and now I’m not sure...I feel like I’m walking on egg shells around him, I feel like I can’t look at my phone around him, I feel like I can’t talk to people on the phone infront of him as I know he’ll ear wig. I’m not doing anything wrong but he makes me feel like I am! The jealousy is overbearing, if I go out which is very rare then I get comments like oh your wearing that for the other one...he’ll bring up the past fb messages infront of my kids...in general he’s quite a negative person. Believe it or not but I do really care for him and love him so much but I’m finding all this really hard to deal with. What do I do? No matter how much I reassure him, he just can’t accept the truth.

Are you sure he hasn't or isn't having an affair. I was in a relationship once where he had cheated on me (unbeknown to me at the time) and he got really paranoid and jealous when we went to uni (different ones) it came out he cheated and we continued the relationship for another 3 years and he was still paranoid and accused me of things when I'd go out, which made me stop going out a lot because I couldn't be bothered with the arguments.

Just something to consider.

Thanks again everyone for your comments...

I can’t help but think that maybe I’ve made him become this way...when we first met prior to getting married, he absolutely flipped when an ex of mine called me out of the blue one day. I absolutely panicked and told him it was a girlfriend of mine which made the situation worse. At the time I just didn’t want to upset him as obviously I hadnt heard from this person in about year so it really was nothing! Then like I said 13 years ago with that message on fb, yes they were flirty messages and I shouldn’t of answered him back as I did still feel a spark there at the time (he’s an absolute w##* as well lol) I look for the good in everyone, this is my problem! Then I’m not sure if I mentioned it but I also had another message on fb from another person about 1-2 years ago now, it was a flirty message but this time I completely ignored it. It was actually quite embarrassing as this time it was a family friend and he is married! Lastly about 6 months ago a chidhood/teenage hood sweetheart of mine added me on fb, he will make comments every now and again and well you can imagine what my husband is like. The comments the friend makes are nothing, it’s silly things like the way he leaves a few xxx at the end of his comments that starts my husband on one, to then enquire me on how I know him etc...

I suppose the thing that I am finding hard is that I have become dependent on him. Through the years we have been through so much and he has always been my shoulder to cry on when I have literally had no one else. No one else would understand but he seems to. When I see him with his children, I can see the love there, yes like some of you say, it’s not the perfect love, but it’s there...I’ve seen him in tears when our kids have been ill...when he’s thought about killing himself due to the debt, and again like I said when I’ve threatened to leave him.

I can understand all of your comments, I really can. I feel it’s just me though, I feel I am not strong enough to make the break. I worry about the impact it will have on my kids. My kids love their daddy, he is their world. I worry how I would cope on my own without that extra income, support etc. And yes I worry about being on my own...you will probably all think im stupid. I don’t want to be bad named because I split up a family...

@Nonstopmummaoffour you're not going to leave him and that's ok. You need to have serious conversations about his trust issues though.

You need him to understand the impact it has on you.

"I can’t help but think that maybe I’ve made him become this way.."

Now why do you think that?. Many abused people think that they are to blame or are the cause of the other person's behaviours, that old chestnut, "well you made me do this" or versions of this is often said to their chosen target. He made his own self become this way and he actively went down that path.

Look at his parents OP; what are they like?. Chances are they are like him. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did his teach him?. And for that matter what did your parents teach you about relationships?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. What are they learning here from you two?.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. What they are seeing now is no legacy to leave these young people. If someone else was writing what you have done here, what would your response be?. The impact on them in staying together if you chose that for yourself will be far greater and with long term repercussions for your kids as adults and their own families going forward. Abuse can and does go down the generational line.

He being in tears when you have made an ultimately empty threat to leave him is he being a master manipulator. And I do not believe his tears either when his children are ill or he is in debt because that is all an act and one he cannot maintain. Its all about him and then it becomes all about him.

You are most likely to be codependent in relationships and he likes that state in you because it keeps you more tied and otherwise dependent to him.

It will take you a long time to recover from his abuses of you (and in turn them), years even now. Your recovery from his abuses will only properly start too when you are all free of your abuser so it has not even begun yet.

he absolutely flipped when an ex of mine called me out of the blue one day
You ignored this massive red flag.
WHY?
Stop ignoring all the others.
YOU cannot make someone abusive.
That is who HE IS!!
Stop trying to put the blame on yourself.
HE is abusive.
HE is nasty.
HE is controlling.
Keep saying that over and over until it sinks in.
HE has done a number on you and is making you believe that you are to blame.
YOU ARE NOT!!!!!!

You don't necessarily have to leave right away but you do need to put in boundaries right now.

Tell him he does not get to access your messenger, and you will not engage in any grilling about who you're messaging and why.

Tell him it's his own responsibility to learn ways of regulating his emotions and sitting with the anxiety you being out/on your phone gives him. You will not be changing your behaviour to avoid triggering him anymore.

If he cannot learn to do this alone then he sees a professional. It is not a problem of your relationship, it is a problem for him.

Refuse to offer reassurance. Be calm and repetitive, don't get sucked into circular arguments. Walk away.

If there is a perpetrator programme nearby for men who are worried about their controlling behaviour then he can possibly self refer to it, I know of a few pilot studies in the offing.

If he acknowledged he's at fault and has a problem, you may have a chance. Most people deserve a chance to change and learn new ways of relating, but most men like this do not acknowledge their responsibility and will blame their partners unfortunately.

If this idea of doing this feels impossible or frightening, then you have a bigger problem and should really think about a safe exit.