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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my BF still not over ex

40 replies

user1489023401134 · 05/03/2020 10:45

Hi,

So my BF and I have been together for 1.5 yrs (we're both in our 30s, no previous marriages or kids) - our relationship has been really good, lots of fun times together, weekends away, weeks abroad on holidays, spending time with each other's families etc and he's a really loving affectionate BF. We plan to move in together soon and I have high hopes that this relationship is for keeps.

Just one glitch, I found out from a friend of his just in passing that he had an affair with a married woman who he works with and he was really in love with her, said she was perfect for him etc. This was immediately before we got together. I've also met her at a work event that he invited me to.

I don't know what I'm asking really but should I be worried - I know they're still in touch through work obviously and I also saw that he was messaging one evening. Other than this, our relationship is perfect but I feel a bit crap knowing that the person before me he described as perfect for him (he just couldn't have her cos she was married) - AND he's still in contact with her. He's never mentioned this to me himself and I don't want to bring it up because I know he'll just tell me what I want to hear.

OP posts:

puds11 · 05/03/2020 10:47

Well she wasn’t perfect because she was married 🤷‍♀️

I thought people were pretty darn good or that I was in love before I met my husband. Now I know I was wrong. He’s the one.

I think if it’s playing on your mind so much you need to speak to him.

FetchezLaVache · 05/03/2020 11:02

If he's never given you any reason to doubt him wrt this woman, no spidey senses or anything, then I think you need to question the motives of this 'friend' of his, tbh.

Sunflowernet · 05/03/2020 11:20

Is she still married then?

Original poster

user1489023401134 · 05/03/2020 11:27

yes, she's still married (with DC). I've seen him be online on WhatsApp late at night , he's not messaging me and it makes me wonder who he is messaging. They're very good friends and he does find excuses to drop her name in convos.

OP posts:

Sunflowernet · 05/03/2020 11:32

Sounds a bit odd if they're still messaging. Guess her husband never found out?
Seems like they still have s connection.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 05/03/2020 11:46

Just ask him....

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 05/03/2020 15:10

I'd ask

mamato3lads · 05/03/2020 15:41

If you're worried enough to ask on here, its playing on your mind and your senses are telling you to be careful

I wouldn't like it personally, only because they are still in touch. Who would want their other half.in touch with their "perfect woman" who they "were really in love with" but couldn't have because she wasnt available.

Its worrying, whether you trust him or not, it's still a bit inappropriate.

I'd thank the friend. At least you know.

Now either check up on him or ask him straight

LeviJeans11 · 05/03/2020 15:49

He's kept it quiet from you for a reason.

Personally I couldn't respect a person who has had an affair with a married man/woman.

It's your call but I wouldn't stick around its a massive red flag.

opticaldelusion · 05/03/2020 15:54

its a massive red flag

Of what? Don't be ridiculous. He just fell in love with the wrong person.

OP, we all have a past. It would be unusual to meet someone in their 30s who hadn't been in love before. And if you're in love you tend to think that person's perfect for you. I would try to put it out of your mind.

BaronessBomburst · 05/03/2020 15:56

I'd put money on them still having an affair. She's married, he has a girlfriend, so now they're quits and it just carries on.

LeviJeans11 · 05/03/2020 16:01

It is a red flag and if you need evidence of the OP knowing this she's posted on MN
If she's is truly honest she's unhappy with the situation.
Don't be a doormat and raise the bar. Op mentioned that she feels neglected or not getting messages from her boyfriend. Reading between the lines she's unhappy.

You'll get loads of responses telling you you're being needy or silly or it's his past
What I would say is that you need higher expectations out of your relationship and this doesn't sit with you.
I'd run

Standrewsschool · 05/03/2020 16:05

Emotional affair still continuing?

If he has given you nothing to be suspicious about, then it’s probably nothing, but I can understand your disquiet, and you want to get the matter settled before moving on.

Original poster

user1489023401134 · 05/03/2020 16:07

Thanks for your replies.
Yes, I do have a feeling that he might not be totally over her yet - but isn't that normal if he was with her just before we got together and viewed her as 'the one that got away'? Its taken me ages to find someone who is lovely and who I think I could have a potential future with - so I also don't want to throw it away just because he has a past.
He invited me to a work event and I've met her, if you had something to hide, would you still do that?

OP posts:

Blackbelt · 05/03/2020 16:10

Did you get a gut feeling when she told you? I wasted so much time with men that ‘might be the one’, ignore red flags because our relationship was going along very nicely. It was easier to ignore it, didn’t feel like the right time to break up with someone.
But when I met the one, I just knew instantly I would end up with him and haven’t had any dodgy gut feelings something might be wrong.
Whereas I did with some exes and it did end eventually...
It’s it’s bothered you, it’s for a reason.

Sunflowernet · 05/03/2020 16:12

But his attention should be on you. You're his present. There's one thing stil keeping in touch with her and another messaging her all the time. That means they are still emotionally involved.

Sunflowernet · 05/03/2020 16:14

And meeting at a work thing is no big deal if he doesn't know a friend has told you about her. Why would he hide that?

Lllot5 · 05/03/2020 16:18

You’re going to have to ask him. It will just bother you otherwise.
Or you could tell her husband force it out in the open.

Original poster

user1489023401134 · 05/03/2020 16:22

He's very attentive with me, loving, caring, affectionate. We've been away on holidays together etc, we're effectively laying the foundations for what I'm hoping will be a LTR.

They don't message all that much, from what I can tell.There have been a few late night messages. I just know that she was the one who called it off and he was very upset about it.
It's been a bit of a downer on my self esteem to be honest, I now feel like he must be making constant comparisons. Though if he is, he doesn't give it away.

OP posts:

LeviJeans11 · 05/03/2020 16:22

Did the friend accidentally on purpose tell you? If so maybe they're trying to warn you.

Tbh it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself he's good enough for you

flossiewossie124 · 05/03/2020 16:29

I sort of get what you mean as I experienced the same insecurities... He never had an affair with a married woman but him and his ex-girlfriend were in a long term relationship and lived together for 4.5 years. He told me that he thought she was the one and she was "perfect at the time" but it just didnt work out. They havent kept in contact however (we live abroad) and it's been nearly 2.5 years now. I sat down with him and asked him honestly does he still have any attachment towards her and he says no. I do believe him but it's hard as I am a very insecure person (working on it!) but I do feel so much better after having a conversation with him. Maybe ask him and see what he says. You can probably gauge a lot from his reaction

Confused866 · 05/03/2020 16:37

I would be thinking he might have taken you to the work event to make her jealous, if she is the one who ended it and he was gutted!

Sunflowernet · 05/03/2020 17:39

Do you feel second best? It must be bothering you to post.
And that's ok, its ok for you to be bothered.

Original poster

user1489023401134 · 05/03/2020 18:13

He hasn’t done anything to make me feel second best but it is bothering me. Will try to speak to him on weekend. He has done things that make me wonder if it’s genuine or if he’s doing it to make her jealous. For instance, he changed his profile picture to one of us soon after we got together and then has changed it to other couply photos of us every so often since then. Normally I would just be flattered by this and maybe that’s all there is to it - he’s just happy and excited to be with me and wants to express it - but there is a part of me that wonders if this is also for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1489023401134 · 10/03/2020 11:19

An update : so I found out he messaged her to say she's hot (won't go into how I found out) - I confronted him about this and he was really apologetic and said he was really drunk at the time. Don't know what to do. I think he might have some residual feelings for her but he's been very good at convincing me that I'm his future.

OP posts:

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