Is my BF still not over ex

[user1489023401134]

Hi,

So my BF and I have been together for 1.5 yrs (we're both in our 30s, no previous marriages or kids) - our relationship has been really good, lots of fun times together, weekends away, weeks abroad on holidays, spending time with each other's families etc and he's a really loving affectionate BF. We plan to move in together soon and I have high hopes that this relationship is for keeps.

Just one glitch, I found out from a friend of his just in passing that he had an affair with a married woman who he works with and he was really in love with her, said she was perfect for him etc. This was immediately before we got together. I've also met her at a work event that he invited me to.

I don't know what I'm asking really but should I be worried - I know they're still in touch through work obviously and I also saw that he was messaging one evening. Other than this, our relationship is perfect but I feel a bit crap knowing that the person before me he described as perfect for him (he just couldn't have her cos she was married) - AND he's still in contact with her. He's never mentioned this to me himself and I don't want to bring it up because I know he'll just tell me what I want to hear.

I'd bear in mind that if for some reason she becomes single, he'll probably be off like a shot.

I've nc to respond to this as I do wonder if I was the married woman in this scenario. It may help to give you an idea on how it all worked out so it may help your decision.
It's long and complicated but I think it will help.
I got too close to a male colleague. We became friendly. He kept asking for my number and sm adds.
He grew on me. We got closer. He began to message , it got more intense, we were eventually in contact outside work up to 100 messages a day and into the night. My ex husband was absent physically emotionally and mentally for the majority of our time together. He did not speak to me unless I initiated conversation. He was aggressive and short tempered. I was lonely bored and unloved.
My friend was funny, interesting, chatty
And he began to compliment me on my character and on my physical characteristics . I was flattered. He told me I was hot, his ideal
Woman, wrong person wrong time etc etc .
I began to feel fear and knew it was not right. I spoke to him and told him I needed to redefine boundaries as too many lines were being crossed and it wasn't fair on my husband and I felt awful. He said he was devastated and it took him some time to get over.
He began texting again. I was weak and continued but not to the same extent.
One night we kissed on the lips, just quick and I initiated it. I knew it was wrong. We spent the next day together having lunch, talking etc. He text me that night to say it was one of the most enjoyable days he ever had.
That night, I finally told him that as awful as my marriage was, the contact had to end there and then. I felt awful.
He met a lady very soon after, continued to text, compliment, ask me to various occasions etc for a year into the relationship. My husband and I split in the meantime- he had been having an affair.

That friend and Is nearly two years into his relationship. We still work together and are very close friends. He asks to do lots of things together on our own all the time . His relationship is serious now.
We still message most days. Probably more since I've split, with him initiating contact.
He doesn't fancy me anymore poster. He still loves me but as a sister type figure, I'm sure.He is planning a life with his girlfriend but wants to keep his friendship with me. He will often say lovely things such as compliments but they are not as blatant as they used to although he has called
Me hot etc in the past .We have lots planned together this summer.
Perhaps your boyfriend feels similar to my friend and has a wobble every now and again and gets nostalgic? I'm pretty sure though that my friend doesn't fancy me anymore though so don't get
Hung up on that side of things. I wish you well.

Thanks so much for your post. It really does help to hear it from another perspective. Just out of curiosity, did he ever make any comments or say or do (physically) things since he started his relationship that you would consider outside the boundaries of a close friendship? I can handle him paying a close friend compliments and a bit of nostalgia but there is a line and if things cross that line then I have to wonder how committed he is.

Also, how do you feel about the situation now? Do you feel any jealousy towards his gf?

End it OP.. he's pining for someone he cannot have... you are second best.. and you deserve way damn better 🌺

He did make suggestive comments for one year after he met his new lady friend. I spoke to him and suggested out of respect that he stop and he did. Our contact ceased after that for some months.
I feel fine now because I learned that the reason he had such an impact on my life is because of what I was missing in my marriage. I was never really attracted to him physically.
I have no jealousy feelings. I feel sorry for his lady friend as he is not a great boyfriend but he is a good friend. She has also had a difficult life and relationships in the past according to him.I feel that he is stringing her along at times.she seems lovely but is desperate to marry and have kids according to him.He isn't.He divulged too much personal information of hers to me which I didn't like and shut down.
We don't have any deep conversations anymore which is something that I stopped as it was draining and it felt horrible to hear how he was treating her, not being mean directly but being dismissive and disrespectful.she adores his bones and he has her wrapped around his finger.

He's messaging her saying she's hot?
How lovely.
Sounds like he wants to 're open the affair.

Ermm... Why does he need to constantly be in touch with someone he was involved with just before he got with you ? Nobody is saying he can't have female friends but this has never been a 'friend'. Calling her hot ? Massively disrespectful.
A guy texted me saying I was beautiful, I wasn't aware he had a girlfriend.
Don't settle for a situation where you aren't priority, you can do better.

Also, he was able to cheat with a married woman, he may well do the same again.

He's messaged her saying she's hot since you've been together? If she gave him the chance to he'd cheat on you or drop you with absolutely no qualms. I'm sorry.

Why would you continue to be with somebody who is messaging another woman to tell her that she’s hot? No no no!! That would be an immediate dump from me. It’s shitty, it’s disrespectful and it’s on it’s way to an affair. If she came into him, you can’t trust he’d say no. Get rid and want better for yourself

He hid this and has mentionitis. Plus he still messages her and said she is hot. Nope, his heart belongs to her.

I bet there's a lot more messages on his phone. I would not trust him op, sorry.

I think this is definitely a no smoke without fire situation.

I think he should have told you as finding out from a friend suggests he always planned to hide it and that is suspicious.

I think you need to stand back and think about his character. He may just be the type who will always flirt with other women or he could just always be attached to her.

You need to talk and monitor.. if he is not trustworthy once more then I think this is a big, big red flag.