Dh and I seem to go through this odd "cycle" when it comes to sex

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Been together since forever. Two dc under 10. Both working ft. For context.

I've always had a lower sex drive than he has - every two or three weeks for me, though every now and again it can be a couple of times a week. I'm very "in my own head" and find it difficult to switch off at the end of the day.

Dh has, in the past, said that he doesn't like to initiate as he feels like doesn't want the rejection. Therefore we have fallen into a trap, probably since dc2 came along, whereby I end up initiating things. He literally never does.

Recently we had a good talk about this - about how whilst I understand he doesn't want to start something for me to decline, him never initiating makes me feel unwanted. I want to feel attractive to him - I want to feel that he wants me. I never get that.

It's now at a point where I initiate, at least a week after I'm feeling like I want us to have sex, having got sick of waiting. We have sex. It's always great when it happens. That bit is faultless. Then zilch til we have, again, long past gone the point where I am ready to go again.

He says he is scared of the rejection but I cannot for the life of me remember the last time he even tried.

I go to bed earlier than I am ready to sleep - I read or play on my phone and when he comes to bed I put the things away and we might chat or whatever then he gets his phone out. So I then get mine back out.

I've said in the past that I am in bed hours before him and suggested he jpin me - he doesn't. He claims he comes to bed when he is tired. By that point I'm pretty much falling asleep. So then he does the "oh so you're tired now?" Thing.....

I'm so confused. I feel a spend an odd amount of time trying to unfog my head between what he is saying are the reasons he doesn't initiate (rejection, I'm tired) and then thinking....Is he fabricating or specifically acting in a way which means he can use these as excuses?

Oh and last time we talked, he said that some mornings he will kiss and cuddle and sort of "check" in his head whether anything will happen that night - he thinks he is almost planting the seed with me for later. But then it's 14 hours later, works ran us both ragged the kids have been a bit much and then it doesn't happen and he thinks "well that was a waste hinting this morning" when I just don't work like that! It's a whole day earlier.

Try that on an evening instead!

Oh and I should add that we are very well balanced in terms of housework and childcare. This isn't a situation where if he took on more of the Wifework I'd feel more up for it.

he wants you to initiate, he wants you to. I think you both need to work on your communication. if him not initiating it with you makes you feel unwanted, surely you can see that he also feels unwanted. Both of you making sure to not actually let each other know you fancy it when you do.
Maybe you need a code word

I just wonder if you're overthinking it all a bit because you sound like normal working parents with young children to me!
Me and DH have a toddler who thinks the day should start at 4am onwards and another DC in primary. We both work long hours and we're exhausted by the end of the end. Once or twice a month is good going for us atm but it's always amazing when it does happen. We always joke "quality not quantity"

I think your DH is being a bit stubborn about never initiating things, he just needs to judge it a bit better, ie try when you're not shattered after work!

*end of the day, whoops!

surely you can see that he also feels unwanted

But I initiate. It's always me.

He has a higher sex drive than you and yet he never initiates? If you have been together for ever he should have worked out how to handle a no by now - it's obvious, either he waits until you are ready or has a wank. Most guys have worked that one out before they are out of their teens.

Sounds as though he has real hang ups and insecurities - avoiding going to bed with you when (you say) he has a higher sex drive is very odd behaviour to say the least. If he really had strong and unsatisfied urges he would be between the sheets before you could open your email.

In a new relationship you could put it down to nervousness and performance anxiety but in a LTR like yours this seems very unlikely. So we are forced back to the usual list of possibilities, depression stress, porn/masturbation, alcohol, drugs, problems elsewhere in your relationship (though you suggest that this is unlikely).

Sounds like you are drifting apart sexually and that is a red flag in any relationship - time to sit him down for a serious talk.

Sounds like you have the higher sex drive and he's gaslit you to believe it's the other way around.

time to sit him down for a serious talk

We spoke quote openly recently about how his lack of approaching me at a suitable time (ie not first thing in the morning when the dcs are barging around all the rooms!), makes me feel like he doesn't want me. He appreciated why that would make me feel that way. He was apologetic.

Fuck all and changed. It was all words.

I know if we take again he will say he doesn't want to get rejected. I cannot remember when he last actually tried.

Sounds like you have the higher sex drive and he's gaslit you to believe it's the other way around

I've suspected this myself over the last year or so.

I absoloutley stand by him having the higher sex drive early on in our relationship, and pre kids. Probably a bit post kids too.

It feels like it's come full circle.

I don't know where to go from here.

Do I initiate tomorrow night? We are away with the kids for the week coming so the time for a proper chat about this is at least a week off.

This sounds like hard work. And you're stuck on the idea on quantity not quality. You should each be doing the initiating when you're each in the mood. If he's any good at pleasuring you, he should be able to get you in the mood even if you don't initially feel like it. And vice versa. If not, then that's OK. masturbation is an option. Stop comparing yourself to what you think the ideal 'quantity' is.

I'm not holding any external figures in my head and comparing them.

I'm comparing my desire for sex against his. My coming on to him (100%) vs his coming on to me (0%).

I want to feel wanted by him. Even if that's just once a month or once every couple of months.

The quality is there. It's perfect. When it happens. But it's me that makes it happen and I'm sick of it.

Would it help if the 2 of you agreed that for the next few months you would have sex on an agreed schedule? Take the question of who initiates it out of it entirely and just say, look for the next 2 months we'll have sex every saturday night when we go to bed. If one of us really isn't up for it, we can just say so but in the absence of that, we just do it. Then it isn't on either of you to initiate.

It sounds more like your communication is gone wrong than your sex lives. I know it doesn't sound wildly exciting but I think you need to make sex just part of your routine -it is saturday morning, we'll probably do it kind of thing.

That's a good suggestion and absoloutley worth a shot.

Nothing at all sexy imo about unspontaneous sex urgh no! Maybe you should both initiate.... give him a wink and tell him to come up to bed, or that you'd like to shower/bathe with him... flirt OP - you know how to do that surely - go and sit next to him and give him a cuddle and a kiss and go from there - that way you're not really initiating sex, you're just being intimate and it either naturally flows into sex, or it stops and you go to bed.
Once you've got him realising that you both need to reciprocate these feelings as opposed to one doing all the flirting, then it should all start happening naturally again. Feeling rejected I can understand, but it depends on how often you were rejecting him OP - twice a month is not much really is it - not your fault, but surely he's thinking that because of that, it's best you let him know when you're in the mood.

I dated someone eons ago who would say when we were going to have sex - it was an absolute turn off!!! My god no, don't bloody diarise it ffs!

I think sex every 2/3 weeks is way too little - he probably has mentally given up. If I were you I’d get regular sex back on track - once a week minimum, and I think you perhaps need to take the initiative initially and sex things up - flirt, touch etc. It sounds like he has lost his confidence.

Can you have a subtle non-verbal system that lets him know you’re game just to get him back into the habit? Like wear a certain necklace when it’s a green light so he’s ‘guaranteed’ to get a yes?

I say ‘guaranteed’ with quotation marks because a promise of sex can always be revoked without question.

He's probably given up.

What will actually happen if he does ask you to bed and you're not into it?
Will you say no?
Will you say yes and then continue not to be into it, leading to a sex fail?
Will you say yes and get into it?

If it's not the latter he'll sigh and stop initiating again. You've been training him not to ask for years.

Have a good cuddle up downstairs, if you are affectionate he may want to take it further and even suggest going to bed at the same time.

Could you try setting a rule for the next little while where you agree that you take it in turns to initiate.

Tell him though that if he wants to catch you in the mood then not try in the morning but to do it in the evening after the kids are in bed but not really late at night as that way you will be much much more likely to be up for it. Obviously only if that is what will work for you timewise Iv guessed going by what you have wrote so far.

That way you feel wanted and he most likely won't feel rejected as he has a "lucky" window

Not just you I mean both of you set a rule!

Im in the opposite situation. Dp has a lower sex drive and the last few months we only have sex once every 3 weeks. I hate it but i dont initiate anymore because im sick of rejection and feeling unwanted. Maybe he feels the same. If youve been rejected multiple times it does dent your confidence.

It sounds to me, honestly, that he is not really interested in having sex with you at the moment and it's easier to blame "fear of rejection" than to actually tell you that.