Dh and I seem to go through this odd "cycle" when it comes to sex

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Been together since forever. Two dc under 10. Both working ft. For context.

I've always had a lower sex drive than he has - every two or three weeks for me, though every now and again it can be a couple of times a week. I'm very "in my own head" and find it difficult to switch off at the end of the day.

Dh has, in the past, said that he doesn't like to initiate as he feels like doesn't want the rejection. Therefore we have fallen into a trap, probably since dc2 came along, whereby I end up initiating things. He literally never does.

Recently we had a good talk about this - about how whilst I understand he doesn't want to start something for me to decline, him never initiating makes me feel unwanted. I want to feel attractive to him - I want to feel that he wants me. I never get that.

It's now at a point where I initiate, at least a week after I'm feeling like I want us to have sex, having got sick of waiting. We have sex. It's always great when it happens. That bit is faultless. Then zilch til we have, again, long past gone the point where I am ready to go again.

He says he is scared of the rejection but I cannot for the life of me remember the last time he even tried.

I go to bed earlier than I am ready to sleep - I read or play on my phone and when he comes to bed I put the things away and we might chat or whatever then he gets his phone out. So I then get mine back out.

I've said in the past that I am in bed hours before him and suggested he jpin me - he doesn't. He claims he comes to bed when he is tired. By that point I'm pretty much falling asleep. So then he does the "oh so you're tired now?" Thing.....

I'm so confused. I feel a spend an odd amount of time trying to unfog my head between what he is saying are the reasons he doesn't initiate (rejection, I'm tired) and then thinking....Is he fabricating or specifically acting in a way which means he can use these as excuses?

I'm in the opposite situation as well. I've given up tbh. We've had a couple of chats, said last time he misses it but nope nothing since.

You've been training him not to ask for years

This is what he has implied. Yet I genuinely cannot remember a time when he even tried, let alone a time when I then knocked him back. I'm looking back as far as I can remember. Pre kids.

Considering how many threads on here are about how many men are pests around sex maybe he’s just a sensitive overthinking type and don’t ever want you to be able to say he “pesters” you for sex. If he literally never turns you down when you initiate I don’t think there are any physical or other problems that people here are suggesting. Maybe you could collectively come up with a nonverbal signal that means you want him to ask later on.

This is what he has implied. Yet I genuinely cannot remember a time when he even tried, let alone a time when I then knocked him back.

It could be your rejection was so trivial to you you can't remember. Or he suggested vaguely he would like sex and you were barely aware he was initiating. But he needs to talk about it. Tell him you genuinely can't remember. If this is something that has been bothering him so much, he will remember.

If he still doesn't want to talk about it, then I'm not sure what you can do about these games he's playing. Just accept it maybe. Perhaps his libido has just dropped and he doesn't want to admit.

Assume you have been together for some years to be married and have 2 DCs, I assume oldest is close to 10. And for many years your husband was routinely rejected? I see why he asked you to initiate, no rejection for him and I assume he all-but-never turns you down?

Now you complain you don't feel wanted. So what exactly do you want and how would it work? He won't want to go back to the old days (for good reason) as he will then feel the unwanted one.

Have a frank discussion and figure a compromise. Perhaps you could have a subtle way (a codeword/phrase you can drop in everyday conversation "oh I'm desperate to give my legs a good stretch sometime this week", placing of an object somewhere) of letting him know when you're feeling that way and he knows that night he can pull out the stops to 'seduce' you once in a while? I think you should also initiate sometimes. Keep it fair.

My ex had a non existent sex drive. I discovered he was secretly watching porn when we broke up though.

I haven't routinely rejected him. Even from the start.

@Delbelleber

Not sure why you added this, unless you are saying she has been watching porn as she says she has a lower sex drive and if so shame on you!

Have to agree with others, you have been training him.
I assume he is correct in his assumption that you did turn him down when he used to initiate sex and as such rejected him and made him feel unattractive.
The result of this is that not only do you now initiate it, and as such he doesn't get turned down anymore, but also by the sounds of it he/you are having more sex.

I can totally understand why he doesnt want to change things.
Why dont you split the positions ( no pun intended), you continue to initiate sex, but he should initiate cuddling.

Yes I am suggesting that and I'm not ashamed

OMG - OP this isn’t difficult! I guessing the problem is you wait until you get to bed and then see if he ‘initiates’ - even though this is th point at which you have routinely rejected his hints and advances to the point that he’s stopped.
So - how about flirting in advance?, giving the ‘come on’? Or - radical suggestion...why not verbalise that you’re in the mood and then you’ll experience him starting something or you’ll know something is wrong.
Like others - I think you’ve trained him and now you want to confuse him some more!
But if you are genuine - then just try to remember how it was when you wanted to give a signal to someone that you were interested in having sex with them .... and just give them the signal!

I think I'd be telling him that for the next two months you won't initiate sex at all and it's completely down to him. If he feels you've rejected him (such as being sleepy) he needs to tell you very very clearly, that way you can't get to the end of the two months, you think he's never initiated it and he thinks he has and you've turned him down X number of times.

It's also up to him to come to bed at the same time as you if he wants to initiate it, it's all down to him and he needs to make the effort, and that's down to him, not you. At least you'll know what kind of sex drive he has.

You could also say that for the following two months you will initiate

My husband is a little like this, he has a higher sex drive than me. As he puts it- he turns that side of his brain off as he doesn’t want to get his hopes up of having sex just to be turned down. That way he doesn’t get disappointed or aroused if I say no. I’ve told him but there’s more chance of you having sex if you instigate it rather than waiting for me! I see his point but still think he’s cutting his nose off despite his face! I suspect your husband maybe doing the same?

I see his point but still think he’s cutting his nose off despite his face!

Being in the position of higher libido partner dealing with constant rejection is apparently unpleasant. I don't think can truly emphasize with him here.

you can truly emphasize I mean. This is a very thorny issue obviously. The higher libido partner doesn't want to deal with constant rejection. The lower libido partner wouldn't want to feel obligated. Having the lower libido partner doing the bulk of the initiating seems like the logical solution.

As a man who was once in the same position as the OPs DH, I can testify that once a frequency of rejection is reached, resentment and frustration creeps in.

If, despite talking and trying to compromise does not bring a mutually satisfactory outcome, a choice is generally made, often subconsciously - do I leave, or put up with status quo?

Where the second option is chosen, the next phase is to protect yourself from the frustration, resentment and rejection.

This can often result in withholding sex to gain control over the situation so you are no longer feeling imprisoned or a victim of it. Often when in this mode, if the woman then initiates, especially if it is out of the blue, the man will then deny sex almost out of spite as if to say "So you think you can just snap your fingers and I'll come running so you always get what you want on your terms....well have some of your own medicine".

I have a higher libido than my DW. But she rarely gives me a blank refusal, if she's not in the mood she will tell me to rub one out and she's fine for me to go ahead and do it in the bed next to her. So both of us are happy.

OP I feel like a lot of the replies you're getting are projecting a stereotypical situation of the woman rejecting the man repeatedly and the man finally giving up which you've said isn't the case for you, so the advice being given isn't necessarily helpful.

I've been here too albeit in a different way - my partner initiates sometimes at the weekends/on holiday but not at all during the week. I found it frustrating that most of the time I had to initiate, but then when he initiated it would be repeatedly in a short space of time, so then I'd be put in a position of rejecting him (because sometimes I don't feel like/can't have sex for a second or third time in one Saturday morning!)

The thing that I've found helped is that even though my partner doesn't initiate sex often, he is affectionate and consistently shows me that he's attracted to me with touch, verbal appreciation etc. Does your husband do this? What you're saying about you making the effort to communicate when he comes to bed and him picking up his phone indicates to me that maybe he doesn't?

If not, this could be something to work on together. You could pull back on initiating sex and instead initiate mutual affection - more kissing, cuddling, compliments that don't necessarily have to lead anywhere. Hopefully he'll reciprocate. If he doesn't, don't keep going endlessly, but if he really is feeling rejected he may take a bit of time to warm up.

That way he doesn’t get disappointed or aroused if I say no

Isn’t one of the problems that many people only initiate sex once they are aroused? That makes rejection all the more stinging since then you’re aroused and need to become not so.

Genuinely, sex therapy! If you're good in every other sense, it's a great option x

Honestly OP he sounds a bit of a pain and like he is playing mind games, and all the women pandering to their DP'S sex drive as though men can't deal with their own 'disappointment' about not getting a shag without some sort of pandering is bloody weird. Highly doubt the men care about any of that in reciprocation or they wouldn't be making a point of sulking.

If he was overcome by desire and had a high sex drive frankly I think he'd be coming on to you regularly regardless. Whether he had a high sex drive years ago is not relevant, it's been a long time. Not sure of your age OP but I'm fairly young (30's) and my sex drive is nowhere near what it was years ago.

You HAVE told him how you feel so he does know, you HAVE reiterated it and he has said it will change and hasn't taken the chance to adapt his behaviour but still ultimately blames you. I don't see how sex can be perfect if there is so much emotional baggage and pressure attached .

I would try and relax OP, take these thoughts and conversations off the table take sex off the table for a bit unless it happens organically and see what happens. Focus instead on being intimate generally and getting into the habit, hand holding, films in bed, kissing touching around the house etc.