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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is the man I am ''Exclusively dating' cheating and lying?! HELP

47 replies

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 11:04

I am exclusively dating a new man. Our dating life started 11 months ago. At the start, at the stage of 5 months of dating and sleeping together, I found out he was actively using dating apps.

I confronted him and he was very sorry and said that we did not talk about exclusivity at this point. I was naive and just presumed because we were having sex that we were exclusive. I deleted all my apps and just thought he did.

He said sorry, told me he deleted the apps. Fast forward, another 6 months, I have reason to BELIEVE he is exploring dating apps again.

A male work colleague, is single and uses dating apps. He always shows his new matches. We all share the same social media too.

I noticed the man I am dating, also RECENTLY has been following these same women. These are the same 2 women from the dating app.

I confronted him, and he said they are his friends. Please note, neither of these women were following him back. And i have never seen them before on his friends list.

Then the very next day he deleted the women from his social media.

Why would he delete these 2 'friends'?

Am i being paranoid or is he lying????

OP posts:

Waterandlemonjuice · 04/03/2020 11:05

He’s lying.

Ozziewozzie · 04/03/2020 11:08

Lying for sure. My ex was very like this. It became so regular he started making it my fault for snooping. To be honest I’d walk away. Personally I have now, but so wished I’d left at the first whiff of trouble. A good guy doesn’t behave like this. Save yourself a long time of heartache and self doubt. You are worth so much more.

Oblomov20 · 04/03/2020 11:10

Lying for sure. Please wake up op. He's not that into you.

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 11:12

I asked him, how he knew these women, as my work colleague is actively pursuing them via dating apps and he said they are friends.

Funnily enough, neither girl was following him back. And both have recently been added, in the last few months, the same time my work colleague met them.

Pooof, 24 hours later, the two women have been deleted from his social media.

OP posts:

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 11:14

I feel very let down. My stomach has a knot in it that wont go away since I found out.

OP posts:

ShesCurly · 04/03/2020 11:22

Can you really be arsed with all this OP? Think how much time you've spent giving this headspace... this doesn't sound like a relationship that is making you feel secure and confident. Anything less than that isn't worth it.

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 11:26

And what is ironic is that I wasn't even checking or snooping. My work colleague so happens to be using dating apps, and by ' sheer luck', I was able to connect all the pieces.

I think if the man I am dating, did not delete the women from his social media, I may have maintained the theory that they were friends, and I was being paranoid.

But the very fact that he has deleted them, is VERY FISHY!!!!!

He can go date who he likes, I feel so so disrespected. How can someone just lie through their teeth, get into your bed , and then go home and swipe right, like you are nothing.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2020 11:28

You got a dud OP.
Throw him back.
Thank your lucky starts you found out this early on.

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 11:33

No, I cannot deal with it now. It is bad for my mental health.

The first time this happened, was when we were five month into dating and we didn't have the exclusivity talk so I decided to give him the benefit of doubt.

But fast forward 11 months, almost a year and he is still exploring options. And he acts like he is so loyal and moral. And a person with strong dating ethics

This is why there are so many mental health issues because people are playing with your mind and emotions. It is horrible.

OP posts:

dwum · 04/03/2020 11:33

If there is no trust this early on, the relationship doesn't have much of a future, IMO

Princessfaffalot · 04/03/2020 11:35

Get rid! He’s a liar and a cheat, doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together you were exclusive and he’s a lying toe rag! You can do better, there are decent ones out there.

Idontkowmyname · 04/03/2020 11:36

Irrespective of whether or not he is cheating or is “trying to cheat” the trust has gone in your relationship so that’s probably the more pressing issue

Isadora2007 · 04/03/2020 11:37

Dump him- you are worth far more than this liar. Maybe look at some self help for your MH- or consider counselling.

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 11:41

Yes, with dating there comes a great deal of responsibility. You have to be careful and considerate of others well being.

And also sleeping together. You put your trust and vulnerability into the other person.

I do feel he was also “gaslighting” by saying these women were his friends, and from any dating apps then deleting them afterwards.

OP posts:

ShesCurly · 04/03/2020 11:48

The best thing you can do is just disengage. Tell him your relationship has run its course, it's over and all the best for the future. No need to get into a conversation about it. You'll be proud of yourself and can move on

billy1966 · 04/03/2020 12:02

Don't waste any more time with this looser.

The"i didn't know we were exclusive" was a big flag though.

You are worth more that this lying twat OP.

anotherdisaster · 04/03/2020 12:14

The only thing this man deserves is being deleted and blocked. Personally I wouldn't even end it. Just delete his number and block him.
He has been 'playing the field' the whole time. Even after 5 months there is no way you would assume its ok to see others - sorry but that is utter nonsense. I've been seeing someone for 4 months. We did mutually agree to delete the apps but even if we hadn't I would assume that was the case. He is a player. Get rid of him or your mental health WILL suffer.

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 12:36

Yes, in fact he seemed to get annoyed when I confronted him. He said, these women are my friends and not from any dating apps. Yet, he was quick enough to delete them from his social media.

He became upset because he felt that I did not trust him.

We just left it at that. I told him that I want space, and we have not spoken since. I will delete and block his number today

OP posts:

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 12:42

Can anyone please tell me of any red flags that I need to look out for, for future dating?

What should a man be doing whilst dating/courting me?

OP posts:

ShesCurly · 04/03/2020 12:42

He became upset because he felt that I did not trust him.

= "He became upset because his lies didn't wash with me and I called him out on it."

Good for you not taking his bullshit. Please don't have any more back and forth with this guy. Don't look back, you're well rid!

rebecca102 · 04/03/2020 12:49

LYING

Potatobug · 04/03/2020 12:54

Liar, player. Kick him out.

Onemansoapopera · 04/03/2020 12:56

He's lying but it also sounds like you were obsessively checking who he is following online, which allowed you to 'connect the dots'. It's not healthy and if any relationship makes you feel like checking up on someone, it's not right for you and you have a responsibility to yourself to extricate yourself from it.

HollowTalk · 04/03/2020 12:59

Unless you'd both agreed to a FWB situation or an open relationship, I would assume after five months it would be exclusive. If not then, when?

If I were dating online I wouldn't sleep with anyone unless exclusivity was agreed. I hate it that you could be seeing someone who's dating other people - I think that's cheating.

Honeybee85 · 04/03/2020 13:04

Op, kick him out of your life.
He’s lying. I would have stopped seeing him if I were you after you caught him using these apps after 5 months (!) of dating.

You really deserve so much better!!!

As my friend always says: you can choose the short term pain or the long term pain.
By that he meant suffer temporarily because of the break up or suffer long term because you stay with a loser who keeps hurting you over and over again. Do yourself a favor, be brave and choose short term

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