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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is the man I am ''Exclusively dating' cheating and lying?! HELP

47 replies

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 11:04

I am exclusively dating a new man. Our dating life started 11 months ago. At the start, at the stage of 5 months of dating and sleeping together, I found out he was actively using dating apps.

I confronted him and he was very sorry and said that we did not talk about exclusivity at this point. I was naive and just presumed because we were having sex that we were exclusive. I deleted all my apps and just thought he did.

He said sorry, told me he deleted the apps. Fast forward, another 6 months, I have reason to BELIEVE he is exploring dating apps again.

A male work colleague, is single and uses dating apps. He always shows his new matches. We all share the same social media too.

I noticed the man I am dating, also RECENTLY has been following these same women. These are the same 2 women from the dating app.

I confronted him, and he said they are his friends. Please note, neither of these women were following him back. And i have never seen them before on his friends list.

Then the very next day he deleted the women from his social media.

Why would he delete these 2 'friends'?

Am i being paranoid or is he lying????

OP posts:

CrazyToast · 04/03/2020 13:09

People tend to get angry very fast when they are caught out. They say 'omg you don't trust me how could you etc". When in reality if it was nothing, they would just calmly talk through it. I wouldnt continue with this person. He is making you more unhappy and threatening your mental health. What a nob.

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 13:16

Hmmmm, I had mixed feelings about the 5 months things when I found out. We were actively having sex and because of that, I deleted my online apps. Out of respect for him and myself.

But he said, we didn’t talk about being exclusive and we were in a grey area and that’s why he didn’t delete his apps.

Looking back in hindsight and after listening to this forum, I should have ran away at that point.

OP posts:

Honeybee85 · 04/03/2020 13:24

I never had the ‘are we exclusive’ talk with my exes. It was an unspoken agreement and there was never any doubt about it. And that included the exes I met trough dating apps such as tinder/ happn.

ShesCurly · 04/03/2020 13:52

But he said, we didn’t talk about being exclusive and we were in a grey area and that’s why he didn’t delete his apps.

That's his prerogative. But do you see that it shows your boundaries aren't aligned?

And if they aren't aligned naturally then forcing them isn't going to end up in a healthy relationship.

After five months I would assume exclusivity. If someone I was seeing didn't then I wouldn't necessarily thought they done something 'wrong' but I would think our boundaries and expectations weren't aligned and therefore I would end it.

If you presume a level of commitment after an amount of time then that's perfectly valid. If he doesn't then it should show you that you aren't in tune naturally and that won't work out well.

Agree with others that with people who I've been in long term relationships with, the exclusivity thing wasn't a big chat I had to instigate, it was either presumed and correct or was mentioned casually with an "obviously I feel that way too!" and no drama.

There are so many people in the world. It's just not worth flogging a dead horse like this.

nowayhose · 04/03/2020 14:20

When I was online dating I used to be easy going and assume that we were both seeing other people until we had the exclusivity talk.

However, once we had the exclusivity talk, I used to check up on my 'BF' by creating two new profiles who would 'nudge' or 'wink' or whatever my 'BF''s profile.

If they 'winked', 'nudged' or messaged the two fake profiles then they were dumped immediately.

I'd say probably 2/3 were immediately dumped by me. However I also dated good guys who just weren't right for me, and I also met my DH on a dating site too :)

I'm afraid your DB is one of the immediately dump ones !

Waste no more time on him, dump him now !

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 14:21

@ShesCurly it makes sense now. What you have said, has really hit home.

In my precious relationships, after sleeping together, we were naturally exclusive. We didn’t need to formally talk. We were aligned.

However, looking back, I think he was having his cake and eating it. He knew my morals and lifestyle and values.

But he still carried on with his ways. Until he got pulled up on it. And his actions were lazy.

I did waste nearly a year on somebody who thought it was okay to do all this. Not the actions of somebody with high morals.

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 04/03/2020 14:43

This is why there are so many mental health issues because people are playing with your mind and emotions.

Only because you let them!

You are giving this scoundrel - and probably others before him - far too much headspace. You are doing this because far too much of your self-worth is dependent on them, rather than being rooted in your own psyche.

You need to work on your self-esteem, boundaries and resilience. Only if you are happy on your own, without excessively relying on others, will you stop wasting your precious life on undeserving players like this man.

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 14:58

Yes, I need to work on my self esteem issues. I’m just feeling very disappointed by his behaviour.

OP posts:

Musicaltheatremum · 04/03/2020 15:35

My partner (18months) and I decided to keep seeing each other after a week. We both deleted our dating apps and there was never any suggestion of either of us seeing anyone else. At 11 months that's a pretty serious length of time to be casual.

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 16:00

@Musicaltheatremum yes, exclusively dating each other for nearly 1 year now.

And he is clearly exploring other options. Maybe if he did meet someone else, then he would have just dumped me.

So I have had a lucky escape.

And I do deserve better than being lied to. And he is certainly not welcome in my home anymore.

I’d rather be on my own and happy than constantly feeling second better to whoever he is swiping right for.

OP posts:

snowdaynoday · 04/03/2020 16:39

He's doing it because he can.
This is just a habit he has probably always had. And it will not stop as he doesn't actually believe he's doing anything wrong.

My ex said that he didn't consider it cheating , Hahahaha that changed when I did it though. Ex didn't like other men connecting with me, making me laugh or sending dick pictures.

But Ex went back to it again, like he did all his past relationships I later found out because it's his habit and he's been doing it for so long.

Block this fool and move on.

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 16:53

@snowdaynoday yes, I think he has a habit of doing this. And he overly acts about being a loyal great guy in all his relationships but he clearly enjoys exploring options.

Why men like this, don’t just stay single and casually date, I will never understand.

OP posts:

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 17:03

It was definitely a mutually exclusive dating situation. I emphasised no friends with benefits at the vert start and if it was what he wanted, then I was going to walk away from him. So he did know.

OP posts:

MagnoliaJustice · 04/03/2020 17:09

Move on from this fool, it's his loss and not yours. You don't want to be saddled with a cheat and a liar. Be kind to yourself. You weren't the one at fault.

Next time, be insistent on the exclusivity before you start sleeping together.

snowdaynoday · 04/03/2020 17:19

Op because they don't have too. They just keep doing what they do, women will forgive a few times maybe more and when it ends they move on. Or the mess with you for a test or two hoping your give them a shag here and there because you miss them.

It's a ego boast.

It's disgusting but it's what they do. My ex thought I would keep on taking it because we have a lo. But nope and his reaction to me leaving got him arrested.

So now he's living in hell because it's not so fun shagging or messaging strangers when no one cares lol 😂

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 17:25

@snowdaynoday yes, he is free to talk and see whoever he likes. And let’s see who will allow him to carry on like this.

I didn’t outright catch him out on a dating app, the second time. However, seeing the women from these dating apps on his social media and then him deleting them as soon as I confronted, is enough confirmation for me to know he was up to his old tricks.

I mean if they were genuinely his friends, why delete them?! Clearly covering his dirty tracks!

And it annoys me even more, because the night before I found out, I cooked him a 5 course fancy meal at my house and packed the leftovers for him to take home 😂😂😂

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 04/03/2020 17:43

I think they enjoy getting over on someone. dupers delight.

I don't like how people always say it's your self esteem and you let him. That's bs.

The problem isn't you. The problem is he is a liar and a cheat and so many many men out there are and how are you supposed to know? Nobody is a mind reader.

I would say never give a man the benefit of the doubt. Assume all men are lying until they prove otherwise.

Windmillwhirl · 04/03/2020 17:54

Yes, he's lying. I'm so sorry you are hurting but it's a blessing you found out now. He was clearly keeping his options open.

Don't believe his lies about knowing the women. It's all lies and deep down you know this.

Not all men are like this one. He didn't value enough therefore he is not the one for you.

ChristmasFluff · 04/03/2020 18:01

Now I'm all for not assuming you are exclusive. And I'm all for having the exclusivity chat before you sleep with someone if that kind of thing is important to you.

But feck's sake, at 5 months and sleeping together, you would naturally assume exclusivity, and the fact that he didn't? I'd bin the fecker for that alone.

Time to raise your bar, OP. You are with a man who will date people for 5 months without becoming exclusive - and there is no good reason for that. Why would you want to be with such a person?

Original poster

katiie3 · 04/03/2020 18:19

Yes, you are right. Alarm bells did ring in my head at 5 months when I found out he was swiping right on tinder but he basically told me that we were in a “grey” area and hadn’t had a chat.

But he fully well knew that I’m not the sort the girl to multiple date and I’m very conservative. He played me then and he played me again.

OP posts:

moonsnake · 04/03/2020 20:00

There are so many of these men about. I agree with pp you can't ever assume exclusivity unless discussed. I would go further and also say a man that is truly interested will be keen to instigate the exclusive chat themselves and fairly early on. It's never gone well for me when I've had to ask for clarity, I've found men will more or less say what they need to at this point to keep you around.

Lucky escape OP, don't waste another moment of your time.

Onemansoapopera · 05/03/2020 10:33

I agree with this ^ men who want to be exclusive will let you know early on so you don't sleep with anyone else. Dating on equal terms is absolutely fine.. But if a guy wants you to himself he'll let you know. If he doesn't, it means he doesn't consider himself in a relationship with you.

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